— Jeff Foxworthy’s Jerky
You might be a redneck (or just not very picky when it comes to dried meat) if you can’t wait to tear into a pack of Jeff Foxworthy’s jerky. According to a press release, Foxworthy jumped on the jerky bandwagon in response to the glut of niche snacks now available. Seems those “energy bars made special for women” caused him concern. “What would happen if I ate one of these female energy bars anyway?” he pondered. “Am I going to get all emotional, start crying, or constantly have a craving to watch the Lifetime Network?” (Yes, because that pretty much sums up the female experience, jerk-y.) Foxworthy’s quest for a filling snack that was “even a little bit manly” ended when he slapped his name on these dehydrated strips.
Jessica Simpson’s Hairdo
If Jessica Simpson brand shoes, sunglasses, handbags, fragrance and clothing weren’t bad enough (heads up: they are), she even shills hair extensions designed to cap off that patented Simpson look. The pop star-turned-country flop teamed up with stylist and BFF Kevin Paves for Hairdo, a line of clip-in hanks which include the “14 inch Layered Flip,” the “Human Hair Fringe,” and oh-so-many more. For those wishing to avoid anything close to a natural look, Simpson’s Hairdo offers loads of styles made from “Kanekalon Vibralite® modacrylic fiber,” better known to most of us as the synthetic locks responsible for that never-stylish, super shiny “Barbie mane.”
Dwight Yoakam’s Macaroni Mouth Poppers
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Singer-songwriter and adequate actor Dwight Yoakam, once best known for bringing roots-country back to the Billboard charts, is now the face of, or more accurately, the imposing silhouette tacked on a line of microwavable meals. The unfortunate offerings include Dwight Yoakam’s Bakersfield Biscuits brand Chicken Licken’s Pizza Fries, Lanky Links and, dragging the late great Johnny Cash down with him, Yoakam’s Chicken Rings of Fire. But if fans of the “Guitars, Cadillacs” creator are hankerin’ for something low on flavor and even lower on texture, the mushy mounds of breaded mac and cheese known as “Macaroni Mouth Poppers” are “available in the frozen section of fine grocers nationwide” i.e. Walgreen’s and Sam’s Club.
Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt
Need an energy boost? Well, despite the fact that Steven Seagal isn’t exactly synonymous with good taste, the B-list martial arts star sells an energy drink “as unique as the man who created it” to quench the logy masses. The “no sugar added” (though chockful of sugar-cane juice concentrate) herbal brew comes in two flavors: Cherry Charge and Asian Experience. Lest fans fear this drink is just another one of those in-name-only celebrity endorsements, the Lightning Bolt Web site boasts, “Each component was carefully chosen by Steven Seagal to incorporate the greatest treasures of Asian medicine.” Can’t you just see him ruminating over endless glass jars of ginseng root and Tibetan goji berries to ensure consumers get the full Segal-approved energy experience?
Lindsay Lohan’s Sevin Nyne
Sure, Lindsay Lohan’s perma-orange glow gives fake bakes a bad name, but that hasn’t stopped her from releasing her very own tan-in-a-can, Sevin Nyne. The spray-on bronzer named after Lohan’s favorite numbers hits stores April 15. While it may seem premature to pre-pan the product, it does come with questionable credentials — namely the fact that, as reported by New York Magazine, Lohan co-created Sevin Nyne with “Lorit Simon, a ‘tanning expert’ who has bronzed the starlet over the years for events and fashion spreads.” Given the Oompa Loompa look LiLo’s been known to sport, that’s not a selling point.