Moms reveal why they gave up their children

My husband is a rare treasure. Knowing of his ex's drug use, he told her he would concede to the joint custody she wanted without an argument if she would take a drug test. Otherwise, he'd fight her until there wasn't an asset left between them. He told her she could have everything in the house, and he'd take both mortgages, leaving him with no equity in it. On top of that, she could keep her retirement fund. She finally agreed. She cleaned out the house, leaving him without a stick of furniture or a single dish. She even took every scrap of food. She has now admitted she is glad she let him keep them because it left her free to enjoy her youth while she still had it.

I could never wake a moment knowing I wasn't actively raising my own children, and her children are completely my children. They are the highlights of my day. But I totally understand my beliefs may not be contagious.

to all the high and mighty! so the woman made a mistake but the man can knock up a woman and not take his responsiblity.  He is just a sperm donor.  a man is a stud and a woman is a hoe.  u r right.  There r more mother who the man just walks out of the picture but a woman is condemed when she is a bad parents.  what the hell is wrong with society.  More woman who r still mothers have to work their butts to make sure they have food on the table, clothes on thier children's back.  Where the hell is the "man"? i am a married woman and and my husband works and we atill Struggle. Woman have always been put down.  without a woman children would not be around.The man is just as much or more to blame for not taking his responsibility.Many men and women make the same mistakes but yet they r judged differently. 

I agree. As a rule of thumb and in "normal" cases, courts should grant the same custody rights to both the mother and the father. Custody should be shared in equal parts between them. This is how is done in other places (for instance, Quebec, Canada). If the parents come up with another agreement that is satisfactory to both, then so be it. But, in principle, neither the mother nor the father should have different responsibilities towards their children. In this way, no one could be judgmental neither of the mother nor of the father. If one of the parents is better than the other, then the other will have to learn to become a better parent. In normal circumstances, there should be no way out of it for neither of them. I know the whole blah blah blah about fathers whose work just will not allow them to spend the time required with their children; well, then it is time to change work rules for fathers to accomodate their needs. If mothers can handle being both a parent and a productive individual, then so can fathers. It can be done; it has been done in other places. Keeping the status quo will just perpetuate a sexist division of chores, and manipulation patterns by both men and women (men use the money provider argument, women the sole and only good caregiver argument).

But ultimately, I do not believe we are in a position to judge anyone for the decision they take regarding the custody of their children, as long as they keep the part of the agreement they reached, so stop being so judgemental, and let these two ladies live the lifes they chose.

Both the father and mother should be responsible enough to take care of the children! It takes 2 to have them, and I am disgusted by the amount of parents that could care less and abandon their children, I must admit, more fathers, but some fathers are the saviour in that child's life. If you don't want children then there is birth control.

I don't think a woman (or a man) by virtue of their sex, is a "better" parent. In some cases, it is better for the mother to have primary or shared custody, in others the father is the better choice. I wish I could say that the courts cut through all the bull@!$%# and award custody in the best interests of the children but I know for a fact this is not done in many cases. All I can say is, give your children your unconditional love and don't worry about your spouse (unless there is harm to the children). Kids aren't stupid, they know when someone has their best interest at heart and they will remember this their whole lives.

I've known lots of fathers that are much better at raising children than the "mothers" are. Good heavens, look at Susan Smith or the whacko in Texas that drowned all of her children. My ex had a crack head for a "mother" of his child. He did MUCH better than she did. What does puzzle me though, are the ones that just abandon the family. They up and leave and never contact the children again.

I agree that father's can be just as good or better custodians but women need to be held to the same extremes men are.  One of my male friends had custody of his son but his wife, who admitted she didn't want him, refused to pay child support.  She actually said, "Women don't pay child support, men do!"  If the child got sick while she had him she would immediately bring him home.  She refused to care for the child at all when he had measles.  The courts let her get away with this for many years but a Man would have had his wages garnished or possibly even did jail time.  She has never paid any back child support either.  These are the women I wish would just leave the child and disappear.  No child should ever think they were simply a pawn for their mother to use.

Why does it matter who has primary custody and why does society and the courts so involved in family decisions? What is that called when you judge people by a group they belong to??? Are people judgmental or are the bigots? While this topic is emotional it is also illogical.

i agree with u. But if i am let me go a little further, men do take it for granted that it is the mother whole responsiblity to rea the chidlren. But lets not forget that it is the resp. of the father to teach the children how (by actions) on how to treat the wife. and He needs to show some type of family bonding with his children too. The mother in my case u r the doctor, nusre, cook(chef), we r with the chidlren 24-7. and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.But then we as wives give our husbands so much time of their own and before long they begin wondering off. And before long the meet up with a single woman and start an affair that should have never been. The mother is taken for granted. She gets no pay. she as a mother is expected to be the perfect mother and spouse. There is no room for mistakes. like u said it takes 2 to make the children it takes 2 to rear them. Yes we have seen it can be done by on or the other, but both parents need to take their responsiblities. But i have seen with with my husband , he says that is is the woman who has more patience. and i tell him that he is better than me bringing in the money.In stead of knocking each other down , i belive more marriages would stay together is we were to uplift each other, more often

Uncommon Sensibility,

I'm sure you never made any mistakes right? Perhaps the right thing for your "treasure of a husband" to have done is get his wife the help she needed instead of having an affair or whatever and marrying another woman and taking his wifes kids from her. I'm sure she took everything out of the house out of anger because she was angry that instead of standing by his vows, and getting her help, he chose to run from his responsibility as a husband. Sure hope it was worth it for him. By the way....you might want to watch your back because your susceptible to that same treatment by him if he deems his marriage to you to be too much work to put into anymore. Now I agree children need to be safe and I have sole custody of my kids who had a say in who they wanted to be with but I would never leave my husband when the going got tuff. Keep in mind "THE TRUE MEASURE OF A MAN IS NOT IN HIS WORDS BUT IN HIS ACTIONS". He should be ashamed of himself and you should be ashamed for taking the credit in raising them. I'd be interested in knowing just how long you've been married to this peon of a person because he doesn't sound like a gem to me. He sounds like an opportunist.

deciding to bring a child into this world requires one to accept the reality that their persuit of selfish desires has to be secondary to caring and rearing said child.the sad truth is that too many people-men and women-refuse to take responsibility for their choices.

the notion that a child is detrimental to one's living a fulfilling life is indicative of a self-centered immature individual lacking the necessary skillset to be given respect or understanding for that matter.these individuals who clamor for understanding and respect refuse to acknowledge their selfish choices have caused damage to the children they left in their wake.

lack of ethical and moral behavior is evident in their decision to abandon their children in order to fulfill their selfish desires.the moment you became a parent that child should be your primary focus in life-no exceptions!!!

Glenda,

Be careful in judging AND assuming.

Drug abuse is solved by the abuser WANTING help, not having it forced on them. It will not work any other way. Then you make the ASSumption that he didn't even try to help her. How do you know? And for you to even make the assumption that he cheated on his ex-wife with the current one is simply ignorant.

So lets talk about you......

You say you wouldn't "leave your husband when the going got tuff", but you go on to imply you are divorced by saying you have "sole custody" of your children. I'm sorry but I'm a little confused. Why are you not still married then?

Those children are lucky to have Uncommon for a mother, since theirs cared more for drugs than them. And she can be proud to have raised them.

Shame on you.

remember something -- everyone -- everyone on earth -- does exactly what they want to do. i stay with my kids because i want to and am blessed to be able to. that just happens to be what i want -- that is what makes ME feel good and feel happy and useful

others want different.

we are ALL selfish.

We do not exactly make sense as a society. We value the father and the mother until the father has custody then we hate the mother. We conveniently forget they are both the parents and the kids will go to one of them. We tell women considering abortion to have their child and give it to a loving, settled home and then we hate the mother. We have many ways to hate the mom and moms are caught between "What kind of mother would leave her kids?” and "Do the right thing." "What kind of father would leave his kids" is never said when a mother has custody.

You see, we have set it up so that women can't win for losing.

I married young and had the gift of wonderful children before my ex husband walked out. He was the one that was work focused whereas I was a stay at home Mom. I did have to become a working Mom when I was divorced and maintained that balance. My ex husband was happy with just the standard visitation and sometimes less than that if it interfered with his job. So in my situation, it was best for our kids to have custody in the "stereotypical" way.

I did remarry an incredible man who was divorced with children from his previous marriage. In his situation, he creates the most stability for his children but would have to fight his "career-driven" ex wife in court to gain even equal custodial rights. He is a great Father not only to his own children but to mine as well. His life's priorities are family and the children, while his ex spouse's are money and self. Each situation is so very different.

I would love to see the court system at least establish a standard of shared physical custody for THAT to be the norm and if it is in the best of the child(ren) for one parent to be the primary, then evaluate it as a special scenario.

I can't speak for all divorced parents with children involved, but I highly doubt that we had these children and marriages with the expectations or plan that it would end in divorce and these decisions would have to be made.

As long as the child is happy, healthy, safe and loved its no one s business what the parents decision is regarding the upbringing. The child is the number one priority- whatever it takes.

Michelle,

You don't have to tell me a thing about drug abuse. Both my parents were drug abusers. Perhaps it is you who assume too much. Your right that nothing was said that indicated the husband helped his ex, and I'm sure everything the new wife said was accurate. hardy har. I'm happy to talk about me. I have no problem doing so. I was married 23 yrs to a man who admitted (after 23 yrs) to affairs. I gave him three beautiful grown children whom "I" cared for and sacrifieced for (because I wanted to) while he spent all of the money on other women and their children. I worked two full time jobs (Thats 16hrs a day five days a week MIchelle, just in case you can't count) I forgave him. Suggested we go to counseling (which he refused because he didn't want to involve any third parties), so convenient. His excuse for not working it out was because in his own words "You and the kids will never be able to look at me the same way and I couldn't handle that". WOW. So profound. woudln't ya say. By the way....just so you don't go assuming either...I have never done drugs, nor do I drink alcohol and I was a very good wife and mother. I never left my husband (so whose the ass now.) Be careful Michelle not to assume. My husband left me after 23yrs of my doing his laundry, cooking his meals, paying all of our bills and taking care of his children. Our children chose to stay with me and are now estranged from him as a result of his behavior. Our children are 23 yrs old, 21 yrs old and 18 all college students. Ones studying Music performance, another Math education and my youngest is in Medical school to be a doctor. What else Michelle would you like to know. I believe the shame is on you. I stand by my statement that the husband should have tried to help his first wife and until proven otherwise I'd still stand by the statement that he instead went' outside of the marriage with this other women whom he is now married to, probably even did some lying to her about his ex in the process. Sometimes helping drug abusers must include forcing it on them, once they get clean and sober they realize but you can't realize what you truly want when you are on drugs Michelle and that something people such as yourself would know nothing about. True love doesn't leave. It stays, It prays, It helps the other when they are down, it doesn't use their weakness to take the kids.

I also need to add Michelle that in our childrens younger years I was a stay at home mom. I did in home day care for other moms so I could do so. It wasn't until my youngest was in JR high that I went back to school to become a nurse. After graduating I was then working 16hr days 5 days a week so I could afford to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. Our children saw the sacrifices I had to make because of their fathers foolishness.

I haven't made any assumptions about you, Glenda.

But there you go again, asserting the same assumptions about Uncommon and her ex, and also making them about me. You just can't help it, can you?

And I really didn't need a compilation on your whole life story. Thanks, though.

Why do all of these controversial articles appear on TV shows with a panel only of women? What are witnessing here are feminist ideologists writing shows for female audiences. Just as the women's self-help industry catered to women's gripes about marriage and dating, they are catering to women that feel overwhelmed by the reponsibilities of raising children.

Michelle,

If you didn't want to know my marital situation then don't ask. You said "lets talk about you". I have nothing to hide. What about you? Its easy to pretend to be a wonderful parent or have a great job that pays well when on line. You can be anything you want on line can't you Michelle? But that doesn't negate the truth. It just keeps others from knowing it.

I said let's TALK about you in the context of what you wrote.....not what's your freakin' life story. You could have simply said my husband left ME....... geeeez.

And yes, you can be anybody you want to online. So are you now adding "complete liar" to your assumptions of Uncommon? Wouldn't suprise me. However, be aware the same could be said of you......

I'm done now. This is really going nowhere and you obviously just don't get the message.

You haven't lived her life. How can you be so hard.

A mother of 3 boys at 23 and I totally agree! I had my babies and i will make the sacrafice to raise them! They come first. I will work on a career when they are school age... but until then my life will have to wait.

Then there are the mothers like we are reading about right now, that has decapitated her infant after chewing off his toes, sick, sick and more sick, the mother is not always the best choice, and sometimes no one knows that she is not the best until it is too late!!!

Amazing example of backwards thinking that leaves women at the bottom of the income bracket every time...

I agree the mother isn't always the better choice just because she is a woman but I will never understand a woman who gives up custody solely for a career that is over in a matter of years.  I have to believe it is just ego driven because you don't get accolades and the notice of others for being a good mom.  Let's be honest dirty diapers just aren't exciting but I love being with my children.

So the man can have sex without a second thought but a woman better keep her "legs closed" unless she wants a kid? I am sorry, but this is a double standard and just plain WRONG!

You are degrading men as well as women by saying men don't have what it takes to be caregivers.

Well, Hot in Miami (????), you may just be superwoman but you are awfully crude. I'm glad to hear that you did everything perfectly in your life (oops, I guess not, you did get divorced) but to say a woman shouldn't "spread her legs" if she wants a career is not just crass but extremely stupid...don't put off getting that PhD, you need the education NOW. If you can remember, a woman doesn't get pregnant alone and to say that a woman should be the 100% parent and that a father shouldn't take equal (and sometimes more) responsibility is assinine, at best. These women aren't taking off to live the single life again! They are persuing careers and experience that will only help their children later on. And I'm sure a lot of Fathers Groups out there will dispute your only valid reasons for a mother not to have custody of their child...many fathers WANT to step up and be a large influence in their child's life, it's just narrow minded, backward people like you and the outdated court system that stands in their way. Oh yeah, by the way, I am married and have a 16 year old. I was lucky to have a partner in my husband who took the responsiblity of fatherhood very seriously. Maybe you should have thought of that before you ripped your marriage apart and your children away from their father.

My whole point is that the woman is not always the better choice because she has given birth to that child.

Me personally, I could not even fathom the thought of leaving my children for a minute, my husband either for that matter, yes, I have a problem with a perfectly cabable woman giving up her children to 'have a career' or 'have a social life',but I would rather not judge that woman for doing it, because we don't know what types of parents they would make knowing how selfish they are and would they take it out on that child that they 'missed some life' that they wanted, who knows.

Yeah donna!!!

I have to admit I was one of those people that couldn't understand why ANY mother would give up custody of their child, but after reading the article, I have a new understanding and am a little more sympathetic. I suppose I cannot get on any mom's case for doing such a thing when dads do it all the time willingly.

I love my kids dearly and have done everything for their sake. I put my career on hold until they were old enough to be able to take care of themselves during the times I was at school (they were 9, 9, and 16 and the 16 y/o helped out) I CAN understand relinquishing th custody of a boy to his dad and the women did say they were involved in their kids lives anyway. It's not like they walked away for good and they didn't uproot the children from what was familiar to them. I give them kudos for that as I know what it's like to have to uproot your kids every few years because your husband is in the service. It is hard and if you can keep them in one familiar place, they are much better children because of it.

Not everyone is prepared for what comes after childbirth and not everyone is bad for letting the other parent do the raising. The BEST INTEREST of the child should ALWAYS be first and foremost no matter who gets custody!!

HotinMiami, Your bias is very bothersome. True, mother's are typically considered the best parent in a divorce since they are more nurturing. But fathers are great parents too. If you look at the stats, the largest group of people in poverty are single moms. And this is not just because of out-of-wedlock births. There is a good financial reason why some mothers may give up primary care is because they would end up in poverty. Letting good fathers be the primary caregiver who are usually more finacially able to raise kids than the mothers makes a lot of sense. Our country would be better off if folks would quit making rash judgements about others and be more supportive and empathetic. If the father is a good father and more stable financially and emotionally, then the kids should be raised by the father as the primary care giver. As a non-primary care giver, does not mean the mother is not part of the child's life. We are human and make decisions that result in pregnancies, but we are human and not perfect. How one gets pregnant is not the issue, but how children are raised in healthy enviroments is the purpose of good discussions. I admire those women who protect motherhood fiercely, but motherhood also means more than protecting and naturing one's children, but being able to provide all that the child needs. It also means making the best decisions for the children and not for defending just motherhood. If a mother cannot do that, then she is a better mother by letting the father be the primary caregiver. Until you have walked in the shoes of a woman who has made this decision, then you should not be so judgemental and lack an openess of mind and heart.

I completely agree with you. How selfish to put your career before your child. Did Ms. Spicuglia really think that moving to the other side of the country was in the best interest of her son or was it in her best interest? I'm sure he would prefer spending more time with her over the more expensive toys. That is what I cherish most about my mother....the time I spent with her, not the things she bought me. When her son is older he will understand that her career was always more important to her than him. How sad....

Hot in Miami,

While I agree I could never ever leave my kids I can't find myself agreeing with your comments. I believe that women should not stay if they know their children would not be safe with them. I believe that the welfare of the kids is whats most important. It takes a hell of a lot of love for any mother to admit, their kids would be safer with the other parent. Yes, its very selfish to leave a child so you can get an education but the child is better off because this woman only cared about herself and if she hadn't done what she wanted she would have eventually taken it out on the kid. As far as the woman whose child died. I feel for her. perhaps you've never lost anyone that close to you before so you can't relate but when you lose a child a person no longer wants to enjoy life, sometimes to the point of not even wanting to see the joy in their other children. She also may have left because she had feared losing the other children the same way and didn't want to be there if that were to happen. Simply put, if you detach from what you love you can't hurt if you lose them.

CaroJ hit the nail on the head 100%

Ya, it is your duty but If you are depressed, unhappy, not teaching you child how to be a responsable person or just simply can't handel the pressure you have to make a good choice to let the other parent be the parent.

Way to go HOT In MIAMI! I totally agree! And those of you who are bashing her need to read again what she wrote!! She said if the mom is incapable of being a good mom in reguards to abuse, emotional issues etc.. then custody should be taken away. Some mom who bites the toes off her child is I would say... has emotional issues!!!

She didn't say that a man could not be a good parent! My husband is a wonderful parent!

And I agree with her totally about not having sex! Or use protection! You must take responsibility of your own self reguardless what other people are doing...men too! Sure it takes two to make a baby, but there would not be a baby if just ONE person said NO! As for marriage, take responsiblity and take care of your child! I agree that men or women who are emotionally unstable, abusers, drunks etc. should not have custody...but to leave because you want a career IS totally selfish! There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a career, just do it around, after, before kids!! We live in a very selfish society! I am not only pointing one finger at everyone, I have 4 pointing back at me! We all can be selfish. Lets put others first for a change!

I wonder how children feel when their mom chooses a career over them? Women were created to have children....we ARE different from men...not better...just different!

And who ever said Men cannot be good caregivers?? Like I said before you need to reread her statement! My husband is a great caregiver...I would not leave him but if anything ever happened to me I know my kids will be in good hands.

By the way, Hot in Miami,

You only have your child/ren a fraction of the time. Really the day care takes care of them a good majority of the time. You have them just in time for dinner and bed. You can't even come close to knowing "real" parenting. Your a lightweight. I was an in home mom a good portion of my kids younger years until my youngest was in Jr. High. I wouldn't criticize these other women until you've done some real parenting which will never happen. My kids are grown and in college as I'm sure these other womens kids will be. Where will yours be?

dabrownwoman06 and others like her are right. The article says: "But she wanted to build a career and travel." Then it notes she was "racked by guilt" but then over time "came to see it as the best way to ensure Oscar’s well-being."

A common thread in life, we think of ourselves first, our conscience (perhaps a gift from a Higher Power) warns us that we should reconsider, we persist in fighting our conscience long enough until we are past feeling/hearing it, and can finally "see" that we actually did make the right choice. Sounds kind of fishy to me.

Many of the arguments in support of this action, and in favor of divorce even in general, are from extremes. Cases of abuse, drug abuse, mental issues, etc. Those certainly exist and are very real, but that's not what the article is talking about. She "wanted to build a career and travel" - not evil in and of itself - and so put that priority in front of her family. Could she have waited 15-20 years to start bulding a career and traveling? Yep. Choice/freeagency is the key principle.

The challenge is that we keep fighting our consciences, suppressing them, and then boldy asserting that we have done a noble thing. Every choice has a consequence. In spite of our greatest desires otherwise, we will never be able to truly choose a consequence that does not naturally follow from a choice.

hot in miami what stick is up your butt -- are you resentful you raised your kids? you made your choice no need to be bitter over it and NO right to judge other

custody BTW is not necessarily abandonment, abuse or neglect

I am blessed to have my 3 kids -- very lucky and grateful -- if i were not a lawyer could i afford to have them? i can barely afford it now -- their dad could do better financially but they will not live with him so I gratetfully get to keep them which is my blessing

my dad -- in my case dad in my secretary's case it was the mother -- first abused then abandoned us 6 kids and never looked back -- he went on to have 2 more and abused them too -- when he left, he left us 6 kids to an abusive mother then an abusive mother and stepfather and a 7th kid and NO money, I mean not enough money for food or clothes and worrying daily about losing the house (the man never paid child support for his 6 kids -- both my parents were very abusive alcoholics)

it wasn't about me -- their problems and actions were theirs and had nothing to do with my value -- it took me a long long long time to internalize that truth and i do not speak to either of my parents -- i am actually closer to my ex husband's mom than my own! and i'm so blessed to have 6 wonderful siblings that mean everything to me. and i have my 3 kids and God. i have it all.

did my parents' actions and my dad's total abandonment harm me and my siblings? of course. at some point everyone has to look at their baggage and deal with it and everyone has issues and burdens.

To those harboring either resentments, judgments or those who were left by moms or dads and still have the feelings of the hurt and abandoned child that was -- that child is in the past, you are an adult now -- i say this with respect and love -- get over it -- do the work you have to do to fully (or close to fully) heal -- you must, in order to find safety, balance, love, freedom and joy on this earth in thls life --

what we do not resolve in this life we carry into the next believe it

peace

yes ralph and your self righteous congratulatory tone makes me wonder

-- are you married in a terrible marriage but doing the 'noble' thing -- or are you a dad with custody or the noncustodial parent

are you judging these women? judge not ralph -- who the hell are you

staying in a bad marriage is as bad for kids as a divorce BTW Ralph

i personally would not give up my kids - i want them and keep them because that is what i want

we ALL do exactly what we want -- it does not make us noble or not noble

it makes us all the same

ralph and hot in miami you have too many rules for other people to live by -- i suspect both of you need to worry more about the logs in your own eyes -- that is usually the way it is with self righteous types and i say that with all due respect do not be so superior

sarah you have it backwards -- raising children is over in a matter of years and they move on to their own lives, which hopefully involve a career. your career and education is YOUR life and you never know when you will need them.

my nieces are all chasing rich men for husbands -- my daughter says she will make her own money which is how i raised her -- not to be dependent on men

sarah if your husband dies or leaves (God forbid) your luxury life of staying home with your kids will be over -- maybe then you will wish you had a career and maybe then you will not be so quick to judge others'

i have both -- kids and an education and a career. no husband right now. not easy but we're happy and i do not need to be judgmental of others to be happy. peace

I believe that there are fathers out there that are the better parent,however believe that the long term affect it has on all the children should be the determine wher or who raises tje child.... My daughter has a 3 year old daughter and a two year old son, however intially she had a six month old daughter, and not pregnant with her son. Then she met a man over the Internet, began a relationship withhim. They talked over the phone for a couple of years she dated other people then she got pregnant with her son... She broke up with her Son's father, purseud her relationship over the phone.... She and her phone lover met in person, they began dating... Russell is Taylor's (my grandson) dad.... My granddaughter's father (Kelly), came around now and then however any time he spent with his daughter, her mother wanted to tag along.... Well a few months go by Taylor is born, my dadaughter didn't want him at the hospital for a couple day after he was born but that changed and he came by with his new girlfriend and Russell is a good dad and very active in Taylor's Life as is his girlfriend... Well My dadaughter decided she was moving a hundred miles away with her three year old and her son.... She wasn't even going to tell him, so as his father I thought he had a right to know so I told him. He said she can move up there, but she isnt taking my son! She decded to leave him with his father, who lives with his mother, grandmother, he and his girlfriend and my grandson and their newest baby sleep in one room. Oh yeah then there's Mercedes the pit-bull. Which isn't bad in itself except last time I dropped Taylor off I took him in the house hey sat down by Mercedes, who was chewing on her new soup bone. Taylor was playing with this little piano, couple people said, uh you might want to move him while she has that bone. I thought why? ha she snapped at Taylor before... Well Destiny, Taylor's sister was moved up with his mother and he stayed here with his dad.... She moved to be with the man she and been speaking to over the phone.... Not only was Taylor not Taken but everything he was use to just stopped No more sister, no more grandma, no more aunt Terri etc. I would pick Taylor up for a few days but because it was so traumatic on him when I took him back to his dad's, I've backed off on having him.... When I took him home he wouldn't let go of me and would hysterically cry, for a good 30 minutes. His dad said he only does that with you .... He acts like this and for the next couple days he would not go near Russell, he wanted nothing to do with him. Trish said she would drive down every other weekend to see Taylor, I said what are you going to do when your car breaks down (part of the big picture) she said it won't break down.... 30 days later her newest boyfriend was driving it back and fourth to work and it broke down....So she didn't come to see Taylor for over 4 months, she'd talk to him over the phone..... I would go and pick Destiny up and bring her down here for a week or so.... She'd see her brother when she was here because I'd have Taylor stay a couple of nights when she was here. Being 2 and 3 living in a one bedroom apartment it gets a little overwhelming some times.... It was Traumatic when Taylor would leave his dad would have him down stairs on the side walk getting him into he car and Destiny would yell by Taylor. Taylor would turn around look up and start crying and reaching for Destiny, the next time Destiny was here Taylor's dad brought him over and when he left Destiny would crying and yelling to Taylor and his dad I want want Taylor, then he'd reach for her and cry.... Destiny has been gone for 7 months now.... She and her mom rode the greyhound bus down for Taylors Birthday. When it was time for them to go back I took them to the bus stop. When they were in line to get on the bus, Destiny said grandma are you going with us, I said no I need to take care of my dog, and she said I want you to come with us. When she realized I really wasn't going she began crying hysterically at the bus station and clinging to my neck.... I said toTrisha don't you see what your doing to your kids ? She called me calm as could be said yhea Destiny cried all the way to the 1st stop which was 40 miles from here..... I as a mother, it is so inconceivable as to how little emotion she expressed.... Hell it broke my heart. two times I have taken her home, she has said I don't want to back to Donald's (mom's Boyfriend) house.... For the 90 minute drive home she'd say Grandma let's just turn around and go to your apartment....I said Destiny tell me why you don't want to go home she said she was scared. I asked her what are you scared of? she said Donald, I said why are you affraid of Donald? he say's because he hit's me.... When I got back to her mom's I told trisha to get into the car, I didn't want Donald overhearing the conversation, I said tell your mom what you just told me, she's like no, so I said she scared of Donald, and Trish says she's not affraid of Donald, He takes her outside to play and buy's her chocolate once a week.... I said your daughter said she is scared , and now your telling her she isn't scared. She said he doesn't hit her he spanks her and his friends have been telling him that he needs to find a different way of discipline rather than spanking her like a timeout.... She went to take Destiny out of the car and Destiny would not let go and she was yelling and cring hysterically, don't you see what is going on here Trisha....She finally pulled her out of my arms and took her inside to see the pretty littl bed Donald had made up for her..... I was shaking so much I had to pull the car over because I felt like what was heppening wasn't OK so I call the police they tell me to call child protective services.... I call them and tell them what's been going on and what my concerns are, and they say well as long as the mom is living in the home and Donald is in the role of a parent, there's no law that you can't spank your child.... I said just how hard do you advocate for parents to spank their 3 year old child? She say's well we don't encourage anyone to spank their child I'm just saying it's not illegal for a parent to spank (hit) their child..... If the mother wants to call us then we can go from there..... So the last time Destiny we are out driving some where and she said Donald hit me again and mommy told me not to tell you, and when I said well I'm going to have to talk to her about her telling you not to tell me, she's no, no don't she said not to tell you... So in the long run what is best for the children is what should be done.... With all the knowledge and experience I have with high risk adoloescent's I'm almost positive that Taylor may very well be autistic, he has been diagnosed as being developmentally deyayed. He's only 2 but his obbssesion with, footalls, basketballs, baseballs and soccer balls corraltes with his lack of verbal skills but he is learning some hand gestures as well.... His mom and dad are hestitant to believe it, but I'm pretty sure in the next couple years he'll be diagnosed with Autism.....

Dang, woman. You're why they invented the word segue! "But I digress ..."

Ask Destiny WHERE Donald hits her, WHEN Donald hits her, WHY Donald hits her, then LOOK at the spot. If there is evidence, haul her sore hinder into Family Services. If there is nothing, you might be the interfering Mother-in-law witnessing a simple matter of a swat on the behind. Get over it!

Your daughter acts like you could have used a little bottom end persuasion in her life. That's not just HER failure, but YOURS, as well.

Hot in Miami , you disgust me! Some women are not meant to be mothers. Giving birth does not change that! IF the father is present and can give their child a stable life, why not? Because you think you spewed forth some children, every other woman has that bond? Every other woman needs to work full time, get her degree full time, and be Ms. Perfect? IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! So many women's dreams go down the toilet because of this mentality, this pigeon holing of "You gave birth to this baby, screw the father, even though he can give a much more stable household, it is YOUR responsibility!" What a crock! And the fact that you are raising children, with such a closed minded way of thinking truly disgust me! You should have been sterilized! You have some nerve critizing bad mothers, lady! With you raising your children to believe what you are saying here, you should look in the mirror before saying ANYTHING about bad mothers!

Do you have sons? If so, how would you feel if they found out 20 or so years from now, your son gets a divorce. Say your son already has his college degree, and is working, has a nice place, lives by all of the family, and his ex wife was going to school full time, not just full time, but she has the opportunity to go ahead and go to a fantastic school, but far away. Your telling me, that your son isn't good enough to raise his kid? Your telling me his ex doesn't have the right to a good education, if your son is willing to take his own kid? How will you feel about that, grandma?

So you would have rather she stayed, became resentful of her son and started abusing him? That soundS like a good plan. Neither of these women abandonded their kids. They got divorced and instead of the father getting them on school holidays and weekends the mother did. Whats the problem?

While I applaud your strength and conviction, the other side of the coin is the mother keeps the children and just drags them through all their stupid choices, drug abuse, etc... The children then pay the price. Yes the women should keep their legs closed or use simple birth control, but unfortunately most people have children because of emotional problems to begin with. It takes guts for a selfish or looser mom to admit her children would be safer and happier with someone else, but I still think she would be a better woman for admitting that, then putting her children through her selfish choices by keeping custody. I have witnessed both scenarios, my husbands ex gave us custody of their daughter. I watched his ex struggle with the decision, but the life she was experiencing was not safe for our daughter anymore. She does have visitation. Our daughter was angry and hurt for a time, but I have always supported her mother and told our daughter that her Bio mother’s decision was made from how much she loves her. I see that decision on her part as the most selfless act she could ever make for her child. My sister on the other hand has three children from three different fathers. She did have an opportunity to give custody of two of her children (the third was not born yet) to our other sister, who could have provide a safe and stable home for the girls, but my sister didn’t want people to think she was a bad mother. So she kept the kids and lived in cars, drug abusive boyfriends, poverty, welfare, food stamps, etc. Now she is blessed with two grandchildren out of wedlock and both of her daughters and grandchildren on state assistance. Of course my sister is back on state assistance as well because she is still raising her third child. There is no perfect answer here, it is just sad. Our court systems do not make good judgments when it comes to custody or support of our children either. There is nowhere for children to turn for a voice. They are treated so many times as property, leverage, or just to have around for someone to abuse. Birth control is freely available and the use of condoms can help you stay alive let alone keep you from getting pregnant and yet unwanted pregnancies just keep growing.

and while I was pregnant, I got 2 college degrees

What kind of degrees do you have that obtained both in less than 9 months?

Why should a woman "sublimate" a good part of her life just because she chose to have a child? She didn't go into it alone, there was a father invovled too and I don't hear anyone asking him to sublimate his life! It should be an equal partnership, with give and take; sometimes a father needs to take more but sometimes a mother needs to, too! To say a woman is a bad mother because she needs to have someone else step up and take care of a child is 1950's thinking! I'm glad these women are in a situation where the father was able to step up and I think those kids will be just fine. Who are any of us to judge?

donna~"Single mothers by choice" HAVE no choice. Those who have partners, sometimes do, depending on what choice the mother made in the biological father. It's all of a piece. Why marry a guy whom you wouldn't allow to raise your child alone? 1950's thinking is what raised the majority of us. After watching "modern" thinking raising the kids coming up behind our generation, I'm not convinced that I'm wrong here. It's simple: Want 'em? Want 'em bad enough to sacrifice for them? No? Then use birth control. That's why it was invented.

I'm not judging, I'm just saying. My opinion, that's what this forum is. If a mother is unfit, then whatever benefits the children most is what should happen.

GlendaSkinner, please be careful with your comments about "real parenting". While I agree that HotinMiami is a bit harsh and I understand that sometimes it is best to let the father have primary custody (though I would NEVER give up mine), simply because her kids are in day care does not mean she doesn't parent. I have been on both sides; when my sons were small, I was a stay at home mom. Frankly, I hated it because I'm just not the type, though I did enjoy the bond I developed with my boys. When I got divorced (my husband was a violent drunk that was teaching his sons that women were beneath them, that has since been rectified). I now work full time and I can tell you that my actual parenting is not much different then when I was at home. They are in school full time and spend a couple of hours in extended day, during which time they're usually doing HW (which I make them show me after we get home). When I pick them up, we spend all evening together. Frankly, they like those extra couple of hours as they get to play with friends; it's good for them. How much more time would I have with them anyway if I was, in your words, "a real parent"? I take them to school and then go to work. Fortunately, I have a couple of degrees and work in a profession that's well paid and relatively low stress, it's a bit of a niche field. I can assure you my kids will be in college when that time comes, and hers may well be too. Having said all that, kudos to you for raising successful kids!

I still stand by my comments Liz. HotinMiami judges these women when she herself has a day care doing the majority of the raising. I'm not judging her for putting her child/ren in day care. Its the responsible thing to do if you must work however; I'm simply saying its easier to deal with the stress that may come with having children when you've been say "working in a "low stress" job all day" coming home feeding them say fast food and putting them to bed. Raising children 24/7 can be extremely stressfull. there are many facets to raising children some good some bad but just because these women chose to give what they thought was a better life for their children by allowing the father to be the sole provider and caregiver doesn't make them bad. It makes them loving parents (selfish too) but would you rather they be forced to raise the child against their will and chance them becoming abusive as a result? I was simply making the point that these women put the care into the fathers hands Miami puts the care in the day care center. Either way the child is being cared for the majority of the time by someone other than the mother. Perhaps I should have re-worded it to state that putting them in the day care center where someone else is raising them the good majority of their lives is no different than giving sole custody of them to a good father and visiting them on a regular basis. There really isn't a difference in my eyes.

You are absolutely right!

And far more psychological issues of children and grown ups who have relationship problems because they grew up in a home devoid of love and, in the worse cases, ridden with violence. I do not advocate for divorce as a first solution, I think couples should work really hard before throwing the towel in, but there are definitively some cases where divorce is probably the best solution for all.

your are right but if you are unhappy and making things bad at home what are you teaching your kids.

You are absolutely right. The arguments for divorce assume that people can't change. That love just happens. The longer we live, hopefully the more we understand that love, as Dr. Stephen Covey puts it, is a verb. We love those we serve. If you don't believe it try it.

There are times when divorce is the best option, but again, this in the extreme case - the abusive, drug-infested, etc. relationship. Too often we just give up on marriage without setting aside our pride, and perhaps some of our personal priorities (and BOTH partners in the marriage need to do this), and serve each other. And, of course, I can only change me, but as I do so the other person has to change in response. It may not be a good change, but things have to change.

Best wishes to any who are struggling to keep a marriage together. The kids deserve to have you two together, and you two deserve to be together in love and happiness. If you will let it, marriage can be a great source of joy. I often wonder how dramatically the divorce rate would fall if we started having dinner together as a family every night, if we sought for the good in each other every day (and maybe talked about that at dinner), and if we stopped spending so much time at home engaged with technology rather than with each other.

In particular, if you are married and spend time every day playing World of Warcraft or are on Facebook every day or even respond to these articles every day, consider taking every other day off and spending time with your spouse and/or kids who need you more than your "friends" (have you ever met them?) online need you.

That is precisely my point. An unhappy mother (for whatever the reason) will make unhappy children. To be more inclusive, an unhappy household will make unhappy children. So the key is, as someone already pointed out, for the couples to find a way for all to be happy, even in cases where the mom wants to work and travel. If that is not possible, I cannot see other solution but separation. The deal of who takes care of the kids is to be worked out between the parents but, in principle (and in my ideal world), custody should be shared equally, and not automatically given to one or the other.

tji i know SO MANY people who stay in bad marriages b/c of that reasoning and teach their kids very very unhealthy relationship patterns NOT GOOD

My parents HATED each other but stayed in it "for the kids". Our house was miserable and my sisters and I would have all been much better off if they had split. My husband was a drunk that felt women were beneath him and and treated me accordingly. My boys behave much better now that they no longer have that as a model and in my view are much better off. It would have been better if their father and I could have worked things out but he really felt he WAS doing the right thing by teaching them that women weren't worth much; he really believed that GOD dictated that men were superior. That's hard to work with so everyone needs to reserve their divorce judgement a little, there are some circumstances in which it is the best option.

In some cases the kids are better off if the parents get a divorce.

My parents should NEVER have been married to each other. From the time I was a very young child I knew something was not "right" about their marriage.

I was 14 when their divorce was finalized.

Words can't express how thrilled I was that my mother finally went through with it.

When I was 16, I left my father's house to live with my mother.

I NEVER looked back.

My mother's only regret was that she didn't divorce my father sooner. The reason she stayed was for "the kids". Worst reason ever to stay married. Kids know.

Consider that you wouldn't exist without the marriage of your parents. When mother's say for "the kids", they usually mean for the sake of the income provided by the father.

Being duped into a situation is not what these women in the article has been through, if this indeed happened to you, my heart goes out to you, this is absolutely terrible, and I am sorry.

Some children when they get old enough to decide only remember that being with the non custodial parent was all fun and games, so of course some of them say that they would like to live with the other.

The point is it was not planned, that does not give them the right to do what they want. I will bet people such as them were not raised to be responsible, simple as that.

Mistakes happen...people make decisions they think are for the best and end up much more tragically than this. If the child is healthy and happy with his father is that a BAD thing simply because he isn't the mother?? Ridiculous.

And sorry to tell you this but they can do whatever they want until you are able to pass some law banning pregnancy unless the parents meet to your approval. It is up to the PARENTS, not you, to decide what is best for their children.

I will just give you this my sis likes to say it. Screwed up people raising screwed up kids, it is a never ending cycle.

There is a reason 60% of marriages fail, it's called I do not give a crap I will do what I want, which results in screwed up kids.

I look at it this way and teach this to our children, have the courage and moral compass to do what is right even when everyone is doing it wrong.

bu9mar &, time will tell, what is riduclous is that IT WAS NOT PLANNED OK!! Breeding should come with a degree. Birth control is FREE and so what if they are married, birth control is still free. It is a great thing when the child grows up well-rounded, but that is like 1 percent. The other 99 are in trouble. You don't have to like these women or their decisions and furthermore bu9mar, I did not say it was up to me so I am not sad to say re-read my comment slowly or get your kid to read it to you.

So your saying if it was not planned then the rules change in raising a child? The rules stay the same planned or unplanned

The problem busymomof2girls is she has no moral conscience in my book. To give up a child to better your life is insane. There is nothing that could stop you from doing it as a family, unreal.

In short she was a stupid teenager who got pregnant and did not want to take responsibility for it.

As you probably know being a parent can be a thankless job sometimes, but that does not give us the right to quit.

Ladies....men do it all the time and the kids turn out fine. We complain about sexism and yet here we are, telling the whole world a woman who wants to be a better provider is WRONG (oh...but it's okay for men) for letting the more stable parent take care of their child. A parent who loves and cares for their child is a good parent no matter if they are male or female. She loved her child enough to see he needed stability (what would the difference be if the tables were turned??) This is the reason women consistenly make less than men...shame on the both of you for continuing a destructive female stereotype.

So women do not have the "right to quit"; only men do. No wonder things are the way they are...

But it's okay for a husband/father to come home and say; "Honey, I just got a transfer,we leave in a week, I just quit my job, I'm going back to school........" I think we've all got to realize that this is 2009, not 1959, where the little woman was tied to the home by her apron strings. If a woman is in a position to better her life, and, by extension, her child's life, she should have the same opportunity as a man to do so!

I watched as my brother and sister in law ripped their kids apart for years. Then we put a stop to it. We filed for custody and won. Sometimes neither parent is the right parent. We have two children of our own and all these kids will be at college next year. Thing is I got my degree in business, when my kids came along my husband and I both decided I would stay home to raise them. (A true luxury I am well aware of). When they were all old enough I went back to work part time then to full time. The give and take and the truly hard work it takes to raise children who know the meaning of yes sir, no sir, yes ma-am and no ma-am is astounding and at times can be overwhelming. That's when you tell the kids you are going on a date with daddy. If you need us (emphasize us) come down the hall and get us. Not that you would be doing anything bad, your just having one on one time with your top supporter. Adults must connect with other adults as well as kids need to connect with other kids and adults. Who is the better parent, neither if they are using the child as the sword to slay the other. Lest ye be like one of these you shall not enter my father's kingdom. Hmmm makes you wander. I love my life, and I am sorry for those who need to stablize themselves and start over. Thing is I started my entire career over again at entry level once I thought it was safe, I was 42. I guess my point is that I will not judge them for doing what they thought was best for their kids. My brother's kids visit their parents regularly and love them and respect them for what they allowed us to do. I hold no ill will for them coming to their senses and realizing that neither were mentally or emotionally capable of raising their kids. Maybe that's where everyone has to look. Anyway there is a time for all things and if you are able to raise your kids congratulations, if not then let it go. These women chose a path as we all did and what is best for one, isn't always best for another. Be blessed and peace be with you.

busy mom of 2 girls i used to be self righteous and judgmental like you until i took a much closer look at myself and realized that i do some things much much better than other people and some things much much less well

i am a great great mom

i am bad with money

am i a bad person

we all have gifts and we all have shortcomings give your halo a rest i am disgusted by all the ANGRY self righteousness on this site

angry resentful self-righteousness is just a seemingly socially acceptable way of saying "I had to do it -- SO DO YOU"

guess what people -- you do not have to live by my rules and no one has to live by yours

it is like the fundamentalists -- in fact most of you self congratulatory types probably are fundamentalists -- everyone is supposed to live by your rules

of what i do better than someone else

What about the Ms Spicuglia's ex? He didn't want to move so she could further her education. Marriage is give and take. I didn't get the impression that the ex was willing to give anything.

If the situation was reversed and it was the husband who wanted to move and the wife refusing, people on here would be castigating the wife for holding her husband back from improving their situation.

Hypocrisy.

Are you a parent???? MOM OR DAD?? I don't necessarily agree with her reasons but I also don't agree with her husband not wanting to support her either. His reasons for not moving for her to advance her education were not any better than her decision to enrich her life. But you didn't same one thing about his lack of comprise in the marriage it was all about her decision. Does the man not have any responsibilites in this decision, why was she expected to give up everything and he was not expected to compromise at all.

THANK YOU VICKI!! That is EXACTLY my point!

I am a parent, DAD, I have moved for my wife and my wife has moved for me, the bottom line being what is best for us as a family. I am responding to her statment of wanting to build a career and travel. What is not known is did they discuss it in a manner of what is best as a family.

My understanding of what it came down to is the best decision was for the child to stay with the extended family.

The mother on the other hand did not want to be part of it because she wanted her own life. I assume you are a parent and I am sure you know that you find a way to make things work when you have to sacrifice, she did not.

There is a reason why so many marriages fail and in my book it has to do with sacrifice.

I do not buy the excuse that it is in the best interest of a child to leave and build a career and travel that is the best interest of the parent not the child.

We have friends who are divorced with children, and their decision was to stay here even though the fathers career ended by staying here, that is sacrifice for his children.

Getting divorced does not relive you of your responsibilites to your children

@ Time will Tell - I agree!

What is best for a child is to have 2 parents that love them and each other, in my opinion, if the two can split up over this then they had more problems than career.

Why is everyone so quick to judge this woman for wanting to pursue her education and career?

Lets for a moment consider the alternative. Lets consider if She had kept custody of her child and gave up going to college. An 18 year old with no higher education would most likely only be able to work low paying unstable jobs in order to make ends meet and provide for her child. She would most likely have to work many hours. Unless she had help in terms of a family support system her child would have to be in day care during that time. The article, however, said that her ex husband was surrounded by extended family where he lived, it's possible that he had more support and help from others.

I understand that many single mothers are able to sacrifice and make difficult situations like this work, however, that may not always be the best solution in every situation.

If the child's father was more stable, and able to provide It may be the best arrangement for the child. Sometimes doing the right thing for a child is knowing when to let go. Every situation is unique and we should not be making broad assumptions about others when it comes to their families.

Aaggh! Well YOU did the right thing by your kids, under the circumstances. But what gave your husband the right to "meet someone else" while he's got a wife of 17 years, two kids, one of which is an infant! So he breaks up your home and uproots his kids to follow his selfish wishes? It's a shame you couldn't have gotten alimony and child support so you could have kept your children. I think usually alimony and child support are misused in this day and age and most people nowadays seem to look down on a woman who makes a claim for spousal and child support. But in your case, I see it would have been as was originally intended, to protect a family and keep it intact as possible when the primary breadwinner (traditionally a man) decided to go off and do his own thing.

You are a far better person than I am, that's for sure. I don't think I would have handled it nearly as gracefully and maturely as you seem to have done.

sorry - correction

There are many situations of moms who are not UNFIT, but do minimal parenting, and fathers who are very fit and very willing.

You are a good mother - and very strong. Much love to you and your family!

p sims, you did the right thing! I wish you we're my ex. When my son wanted to move to U.S. I said yes, I was excited, his bedroom was ready, plans for his school all made and my wife was all supportive. Then my ex started crying and my son felt sorry for her. My son decided to stay with her although they can only share a bed in one bedroom, no running hot or cold water, a third world country where opportunities is so limited. Devastated, I can only hope that she would let him go instead of teaching my son to hate me. It's over two years now without communication and it is hard to explain that time is gold, once it is gone cannot be recovered.

You didn't just walk away... the decision was based on a childs wants.

But look at why they are making these decisions. Themselves! Selfishness! Why did you move 300 miles away in the first place? Probably to better yourself, not your kids! I'm sure that was not easy on the kids. Did you care then?

Hmmm.....sounds like you actually made that decision for your son by moving 300 miles away. What choice did he have? Kudo's to you! :)

"The best parent should raise the children period."

I completely disagree. Children should be raised by both parents whenever possible. If one of them is not a good parent, he or she needs to LEARN to become a parent. This is such an easy and outrageous excuse for many fathers, and a wonderful manipulation argument for women: "The children will be better of with her because I do not even know how to cook" or "He cannot raise the children, he doesn't even know how to change a diaper"... So go ahead and learn how to be a parent, and do not shove your responsibility on someone else's shoulders.

Why stop with those questions, BAT? I don't think there was enough information in Vicki's story for you to make such large sweeping assumptions. If one has to work to survive, sometimes one has to move. You know, her ex could have moved to her location as well if it was a hardship on him and his children. It is called life! As you can see there was love and compassion in this family and all worked together for the well-being of the family as best they could, even in the best circumstances there is pain and hard choices.

Get off your high horse - you'll get a nose bleed.

Feb

I also see this story young mothers, which is being over looked. Most of them were children when they had their first child, both the father and mother were irresponsible in getting pregnant.

The issue to me is this, the majority of young parents do not want to sacrifice themselves truly for their children. They ask themselves as the mothers in this article did, what will make me happy which will be better for my child, not what will make my child happy even thou I may not. As I said before when it comes to a child you have to sacrifice yourself even thou it is not in your best interest.

Men and women who make the choice as self interst and say it is in the best interst of the child is what this article speaks to me.

To say it is a growing trend does not make it right.

I agree with you, Time will tell. Unfortunately what younger parents generally lack is perspective. We older parents who had delayed starting our families need to maybe take some time out and let younger parents know that if they throw themselves wholeheartedly into parenting their kids now, they STILL will have plenty of time and energy to build a career later in life. Careers and higher education are actually the things that CAN wait. Biology is NOT kind and the biological clock does NOT run in favor of parenting later in life.

I had my child at age 38. If I could have started sooner, I could have had more than one. I'm still fertile, that's not the problem. But there's just no way I could endure another pregnancy at 40 and above. You start incurring higher risks to yourself and the fetus. In my case, diabetes, even though I was fit and trim. That didn't matter. My age at conception was a factor.

Even now, in my mid 40's with my child still small, I can STILL look forward to furthering my education and starting down a new career path when my child is finished with her schooling.

There are PLENTY of examples of people starting lucrative careers in their 60s and over. But not so many examples of people, well not women anyway, starting their families that late in life! LOL!

Thanks February Star. I did move because of work. I had long talks with my ex, my children and my family. That doesn't make it any easier, everyone understood but it still did not allow him the same opportunity to be in his childrens lives which is sad but sometime unavoidable. My dream was to be married forever, but being in a bad marriage is not good for your children either. I was married for 17 years so we did try everything, we were married young and but moved in different directions in our lives, this does happen and it is no one's fault. I had an opportunity to OWN a business instead of work for "the man". This opportunity provided me the opportunity to be able to spend the money necessary to get my kids back and forth to see their dad at every possibilty. I gave up many holidays to allow them time with their dad because it was the right thing to do and I was not always able to go "home" with them. But in the end we were still a family, my ex and I get along great and have always worked together. It was still a hard decision when I left and when I let my baby go live with dad but all done for the right reason.

As for BAT, glad you were the perfect parent and never made a mistake, there isn't a book, we all do our best and to make nasty comments about people you don't know is a great thing to teach your kids. My whole point was just because mom's make decision to allow their children to be with their dad is not always a wrong decision. As for THE BEST PARENT comment, there is not book and some people NEVER learn to be a good parent, again we all just do our best, or at least we try!

I agree with you. There is nothing more important than the life of a child. To me my children are my life. Without them I have no life.

your son doesn't "belong" to anybody

I also think this article is misleading, they are still involved in the children's lives. What I do not agree with is giving up the child to "further your career and travel" just wrong, there is no reason you cannot do that with the child. There are many companies who have the mind set of family comes first.

It comes down to the best interest of the child, if the father or mother has issues mentally, etc that would endanger the child then yes I can see one or the other taking custody, however if the father or mother does not want custody because they want a better career or life, that is just plain wrong. That is what people are upset about in this article, they gave them up because the parent thought their life would not be better if they had custody, it tells me there child was an obstacle to them.

My mother LOVED her children but there was always regret in her heart for things she was never able to do with her life because she was raised to believe female and mother were the same thing.

I don't care who the woman is. If she wants to improve her chances of being a better provider vs. another poverty statistic, if she wants to accomplish things in her life and the father is a-okay with taking full custody I say "GO FOR IT!"

It's their child, it's their decision on how to best raise it...like it or not.

Here's why: Because no matter how far women have advanced in our society (and let's be honest, we have advanced), we are still held to different standards than men on certain issues.

Bu9mar wrote "I'm all for good parenting...but why does it always have to be mother=daily sacrifice, fatherhood=every-other weekend????? "
Yes, it should be mother=pays child support checks (allimony in disguise) for visitation on weekends and father=full custody and daycare. We're not fooled by all of the working mothers that enroll their youngsters in daycare, followed by school.
Don't forget that women choose men on the basis of their income, specifically, that men make more. Not just more per hour. Men earn more over their lifetime by starting their careers earlier, earning more per year and working more years while living shorter lives than women. That is the male contribution to the mating game.

As a fellow stepmom, I totally sympathize with you Stepmom iN SC. I hope your step kids realize how fortunate they have you in their lives. Sometimes, no matter how awful the "real" mom is, kids still think she's the best and resent the "other" mom. My kids' "real" mom only paid the $200 a month for about a year. She only saw them every other weekend, despite being about 8 blocks away. She never attended a teacher's conference, and I can count on one hand how many basketball games, baseball games, school concerts, soccer games, back to school nights she appeared at. Yet, now she has no problem borrowing money from them and getting them to ride her around in the car that we've given them. Incredible.

Times are changing, Dad. You're living proof that men don't need women as much. Is your ex-wife sending you child support checks? If not, is she in jail for being a dead-beat mom?

Mainemom,

Get back to us in say about 10 yrs. I'd be interested in knowing what kind of kid your child turns out to be. Its easy to be "self righteous" when your kid isn't quite grown up. You will find out just how well you parented him when he gets in his teens and sometimes even later. I've got friends who boasted bout how great they were as moms and their kids are cussing them in public, they are in and out of jail, alcoholics, and just plain not able to fuction in society. Why because nowadays parenting includes extended hours of gaming on computers and tvs instead of good family conversation, parenting nowadays includes watching cable all day on the weekends instead of going to the zoo, or to an art museum. How much conversation do you have with your child a day. Real honest conversation. What did you do today and how was your day kind of conversation. Get back to us in 10 yrs, or not.

Yes, men have been idiots for many, many, years. Self-centered asses who don't care about their children and yes, I hold women to a higher standard than that. I believe there is no reason why parents can't share in child rearing, living arrangements, etc., except that they are too busy using their children as pawns to get even with the other parent. Parents need to do what's best for the child. Unfortunately that is usually not to have any but it's too late for that. Children take a lot of time and money and if you're not willing to invest in that than do us all a favor and invest in birth control.

you have a real issue with men simply walking away from their children? But not women?

you are liberal......liberals believe in everything is fine and self comes first......big reason we have so many problems.......if we pushed morals and responsibililty like the left pushes anything but, we would have a stronger country, wealthier country and allot less suffering by the hands of selfish people protected and encouraged by the elite left.......except for mental problems there is no excuse for not giving your child 110% of yourself.

I guess the more dis-function.......the more business for liberals and government and along so the power you feed off.

sl29 you are obviously one of those who equate "education" with elitism

the real reaons america is falling apart are not moms giving custody to good dads but the problem is americans who think education = elitism and fundamentalism = good instead of evil

get off it sl29 your rant is removed from reality -- with all due respect

peace

yes sl29 you should be running the world or at least the country

s129....I agree with you 100 percent and more. Rebekah Spicuglia....wanted an education and a better life for herself. However, the best thing for her son "Oscar" was not having this selfish woman 24/7. Her son is eleven....why didn't she decide to use birth control......and not put herself in the situation to have to choose herself over the child she gave life to.

I so agree with you! Let's hope there are more women like us out there who will raise our daughters to be happy and proud of being a Mom someday and not burdened by it.

OH and let's live in a world where pigs fly and magic rainbows cure all illness and suffering. Wait, that doesn't exist?! Holy crap!

Thank you JP - it's sad when parents (both mothers and fathers) are so selfish that they give up custodial rights so they can better their careers or their social lives. When children are in the equation, they should come first... by both parents.

The word "selfish" is flying around an awful lot...since when is it selfish to do what is in the best interest of a child?? It seems many of the posters are either bitter mothers who wished they could make such a bold decision OR parents who believe the only thing that qualifies as good parenting is to give up any chance of making a better life for parent and child...

A E I O U, and sometimes Y: The real foundation of marriage!