— Tiger Woods has run out of rehab centers. He went through the sex addiction clinic in Mississippi and now he’s gotten out of a family counseling clinic in Arizona.
I’m sure I speak for all sports fans when I say we’re just happy as clams for him, and if there’s anything happier than a clam, well, we’re that, too. But this whole rehabilitation process has gone on long enough. It’s time to get back on the golf course.
What scares me is that we don’t know if Tiger has gotten back together with his aggrieved wife, Elin. He has said he left the game to heal the wounds he inflicted on his family. And that’s not happened.
Now, back when all the dirt started to fly, we all went on record as believing that a marriage is more important than a golf tournament. And we sort of meant it. At least we thought we did.
But that was three months ago, and our belief that marriage is more important than golf has been stretched to the limit. Actually, it’s beyond the limit, especially since we only said that to start with because our wifes were listening.
I mean, there’s a limit on this stuff. We’ll all miss a round of golf for something important in our family, but not every week. So, if Tiger can’t repair his marriage in three months and who knows how many thousands of dollars in therapy bills, he can’t expect us to keep caring.
Let’s be honest about this. Tiger doesn’t give a flying foot wedge about the state of our marriages and relationships. And the longer this goes, the more we realize we don’t really care about his.
Oh, we’re more than willing to pay lip service to our desire that he and Mrs. Tiger and their cubbies will be perfectly happy forever and a shining beacon of monogamous bliss, but not if it’s going to be a major inconvenience, not if it’s going to continue to cut into his golf.
If it comes down to a choice of the health of his marriage and seeing him play the Masters, most of us are going with the golf tournament. It’s more entertaining. Plus, we can watch it live instead of waiting for the National Enquirer to catch wind of a rumor and pass it on to us.
I’d apologize for being so crass, but I wouldn’t mean it. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder why I was ever worried about his marriage to begin with.
It’s the same with his much-lamented endorsements, which are a lot like marriages, except to corporations instead of people. As soon as the titillating news broke that Tiger was having affairs, analysts started speculating about how it would affect his endorsements. This was considered to be important, and it’s been major news every time a sponsor has dumped him.
I have no idea why. Whether he shills for a company will not in any way influence whether I buy a product. How much money he makes in endorsements does not affect my life, and if it affects yours, you need to get a new hobby.
The only thing that affects my life is whether he plays golf. When he plays, watching golf is more enjoyable and I’m a happier person. I’m also more likely to play golf and go to the driving range and buy new equipment.
It’s that way with the country as a whole. When he plays and does well, more people watch and more kids want to play. To do that, they have to buy equipment and ugly pants and pay for time at driving ranges and golf courses and buy beers and burgers at the 19th hole.
This is exactly what the economy needs — people spending money they don’t need to be spending on things they don’t need to own. Get enough people doing that and companies will have to hire workers to meet the new demand. That will bring more tax dollars into drained public coffers and create even more jobs.
So it’s not just selfish sports fans who need Tiger to come back to the PGA Tour now and not in another three or four months. His country also needs him to come back. To stay on the sidelines and obsess about that marriage becomes unpatriotic.
So get your butt back on the course, Tiger. But don’t do it for me. Do it for America.