Are American couples too quick to seek divorce?

I do think that there are too many people who divorce without giving their all in making it work. My wife and I are friends but have been separated for 5 Years. She recently ended a relationship and decided she doesn't want to date anyone for a while. I've dated a couple of women during this time without success. My wife has brought her drinking problem, which contributed in some way to 90 %+ of our problems, under control and now I find myself with renewed hope that we may reconcile in the future. I do still love her and will be there to lend moral support for her if she needs it. She says she doesn't want to give me false hope but she isn't sure if she can love me as she once did. I'll give her the time to decide since I take those wedding vows so seriously.

It isn't that black and white. It is true that American couples divorce at a high rate, especially if they married very young and/or are poor. The divorce stats change quite a bit when you consider couples who married later and don't have a great deal of financial stress. That said, in another generation and in most parts of the world, divorce simply doesn't happen, but adultery by the husband is a given and accepted. It is just what men do, according to my grandmother. I know recent immigrants whose husbands routinely step out on them and they ignore it because, that is what you do. You stay married. Yet, if these women had an affair, all hell would break loose. Sexism is alive and well in most parts of the world. I see the higher divorce rate as a testament to some gained women's rights and expectations in a relationship. That said, many divorce too quickly and for unacceptable reasons. I was always told that divorce is only permitted in cases of adultery, addiction, and abuse. The 3 A's.

Rachel

I agree with you Melissa. children are the most affected on this matter. Pity them.

I agree that people seem to "give up" way to soon, or perhaps they step into marriage thinking, "If this doesn't work, I can always get out." In my personal opinion, marriage should be set for a lifetime and one should take the vows, knowing that. After all, the vows state: for richer or poorer, sickness and health, better or worse...every "problem" and "joy" in marriage pretty much falls under those three categories.

People are to quick to get married! Than the suckers pay $30,000 to $50,000 to a lawyer to get divorced. People don't realise marriage is a legal / fiscal contract that has nothing to do with love, romance or any of that.

Being one of those who has contributed to the divorce rate, I say yes we are too quick to look to divorce as the "magic answer."

I am from a family where marriage was "until us do part" but my parents were combative and angry as long as I can remember. Talk about a quandry - I was in a horrible marriage marred by abuse and addiction (his) but so wanted my son to grow up with his biological parents in the loving household I never had . . . .plus my parents stuck it out - why couldn't I?

I think we need to better educate our children on positive communication, how to treat each other with dignity and respect and how to resolve conflicts effectively. Add some education on self-esteem, to have expectations on how they should be treated and to not settle would also go a long way.

I am please to say that my son is an adult with his own AWESOME family and most importantly he and his amazing wife and a solid relationship. (They've had tough times, but worked it out.)

I think people do look to divorce way too quickly without looking at and/or attempting all the options (counselling, communication, etc.) carefully. I, personally, believe this all has to do with the push for "do what's best for you" and the self-gratifying society we live in. While I do believe we need to take care of our own needs, we also need to think if we can find compromise where our needs can be met as well as our partner's. Isn't that one of the basis' of a successful marriage, afterall? My feeling is that marriage should be based on communication, commitment, compromise among many other facets of the relationship.

It seems many look for the easy and quick way to deal with problems..........if there isn't an fast and effortless fix, get rid of the problem and run away.

I wholeheartedly agree that in cases of abuse and addictions, there isn't usually a good solution to the problems, but even in some cases of adultry, problems can be worked through with a solid effort from both partners. Marriage should be brought back to the virtue of "for better or for worse". It seems many bail on the marriage at the very point that the other partner needs them the most.

Yes, people turn to divorce too quickly. Marriage is a covenant, not a contract, and I think people would think longer about picking their spouse, if they knew they would be with them for the rest of their lives. No matter what.

Everytime I felt like walking out over stupid stuff I remembered my grandmother who was married until she passed at 86 years old.  She often told us that two people occupying the same space is going to cause irritation but to throw all your financial and emotional security away because of a little irritation is just plain stupid.  Aside from that she always talked about the hills and valleys of married life and two people can make it through anything as long as there is a commitment to try.  Just to be clear all the women in our family did have one caveat-if a partner becomes abusive then "Get out".  The hope is that guys and gals like that are weeded out before the marriage.

I have only been married for 2 years, but two things my mother told me about my parents' marriage are very helpful, I think. The first one was that early in their marriage, she thought about leaving my father because although my dad was always loving, helpful, kind, and a great father, he wasn't very romantic with her. She went to counselling, and the psychologist recommended that every time my dad did something nice for her or the family that she should stop for a minute and realize that it was his way of saying "I love you" to her. So if he mowed the lawn without her having to ask, or when he'd get up and go to work at 6am every day and come home exhausted at 6pm every night (he's a farmer), or if he'd do the dishes after dinner without being asked, that was an "I love you". My mom realized that in that way, my dad was constantly showing how much he loved her. So she stayed with him.

The second thing was just a few years ago. My parents are older now, empty nesters, and my mom's parents both died in the same year. About a year after their deaths, my mom said to me, "Your father and I have never been so in love as we are now." After her parents deaths, Dad really listened and talked with my mom about it, as much as she needed. After 35 or so years of marriage, still being tender and kind to each other lit the spark all over again, and communication helped too. She thought back to those first 10 years of their marriage, when she almost left, and all she could think was, "Thank God I didn't leave this man!"

I think about these two instances every time my husband and I have a fight now. It really helps me, and I hope it helps some of you.

Yes! This boils down to one thing. Selfishness! Thinking about yourself only. God, did not give us an excuse for divorce. Neither did Jesus. If you would read your bible, Jesus tells you Moses, came up with the certificate of divorce. This makes it mans law. Not Gods. That's why you are married by a minister, pastor, priest, etc. and you go to the justice of the peace for a divorce. God and Jesus wants nothing to do with it. They have already given you commandments to keep you from doing this. Some say that the only reason for divorce is adultry. U.S. Americans may have a problem with commitment. Traditional wedding vows are "till death do you part" or "for long as you both shall live". If you get a divorce, that means you lied on your wedding day. If you have children, you are bound for life anyway. Jesus did say, If you separate or divorce, you are to remain unmarried unless you reconcile (get back with your spouse). For God and Jesus you are married for life and if you marry someone else you are committing adultry and living in sin. Now, if your spouse has died then you are ok to marry again. Please, don't go killing your spouses to remarry this is another sin and you will be behind bars for a very long time. And don't marry someone who is divorced already, what if the spouse wants to reconcile like Jesus said? That would be messed up!Your can read up on divorce in your local Bible. Please read; I Corinthians 7:11, Luke 16:18, Mark 10:2, Matthew 5:31, and Matthew 19:3. As always, when reading the Bible, read the whole chapter! (THE WHOLE THING) Not just a verse and try to make sense of it. The Bible doesn't work this way. Ask your minister, pastor, or priest why they never preach on this subject? If they did, there might be a lot less divorces out there! Then again, there might be a lot less people in the pews, because they don't like what they hear. Tough love! The truth often hurts. I don't know about you, but I'm about pleasing GOD, not about pleasing man. GOD has given us an instruction manual (The Bible), let's use it!

If you are married to someone you don't love two things will happen. He will never find someone who loves him and you will never find anyone who loves you. You might become compatable at one point but you will go through an entire life time without being loved. Being in love and being loved is truly priceless. I would rather be very happily single than live with a man I don't love. You want to live with someone you feel affectionate towards...get a puppy.

Also, to Concerned Citizen thanks for telling me you are not allowed to kill your spouse so you can marry gain. Who would have thought???

I think it is more a case of being to quick to marry.

But once you do get married and promise someone for ever, you should keep your promise. Ppl say for better or worst, i don't know who came up with that cuz, who wud wanna get married for worst. It much better to say through thick and thin.

It seems like every body has a first husband or wife, can't we learn from other ppl mistakes. Getting married before 30 clearly seems to be a bad idea, so y are ppl consistently falling into the trap. You can't choose a life partner when you are not even sure about yourself.

I think divorce should never be an option. I was watching the clip about love with KLG and Hoda when they were talking with the guy that travel the world and wrote the book about love. It gave me new prespective, with the case of the arrange marriages. You have to work to make it work.

Marriage should be between two ppl that are bestfriends. It should be not just someone you love, but also like. That can stand the test of time.

I agree with you Kayla - I think the choice to marry or not comes from so many different aspects of life, you need a strong role model/parent to look up to. But mostly people are too quick to marry. My parents have been married 35 years and I was married 14 months when I was divorced. They are great role models, but society as a whole has a pretty good grasp on young people.

By no means will I blame it totally on society, but it is really easy to get wrapped up in the whole graduate from college, date someone, well whats next? buy a house, start a family, have your 2.5 kids and a dog..the "American Dream" I know by all means I rushed into marriage in the first place, and once graduation hit, and real life started, my ex decided he was going to be just like his father, who died from being an alcoholic and having a addiction to pain meds. I too, always said I would never divorce, thats only a cheap way out. I never EVER assumed abuse would ever be part of a relationship.

I hope people that do get divorced do the right thing about it though, take a step back, realize who they are and what they want and most importantly what they deserve in life. To this day I wouldn't change a thing about being divorced because it was such a huge life lesson for me.

I have been married and I have been divorced. I am very happy now, not married and in love, living with my best friend. I think marriage is highly overrated, children are often begat without a thought, and divorce is a poor bandage for a broken heart. None of them work well. People have to be GROWN for any big decision and most people think they are grown about 10 years before they really are. Decisions should not be made in heat.

This way, I have my name, my finances, my history, my kids and he has his. We are together because we both work at the relationship and don't let anything else get in the way.

I won't ever marrry this wonderful man. I love him too much to chance it.

With the role models that Americans have (politicians, celebrities) is it any wonder our divorce rates are so high? Till death do us part doesn't seem to be taken very seriously anymore. It's more like until the infatuation is over.

Americans definetely do give up on marriage way too soon. It's like, as soon things start getting really tough, people bail. There's only so much work that people will put into a marriage, and depending on values, etc, some people find it easier to end it and move on. The idea of working on a marriage seems too be too hard and too long of a road, and many don't have the patience, even if problems are not of adultery, or abuse, etc. (those issues are a little different). Many couples say they've fallen out of love, and really it's about not wanting to deal with the constant squabbling.

Of course, I am young and have only been married to my husband for three years, after dating for five years, so perhaps I'm just an optimist :-). We've also had our own trials, multiple deployments to Iraq, long distance, and now living as broke and I mean BROKE graduate students, our ups and downs. Had we had different attitudes about our relationship, we could easily not be together, staying together throughout all the times apart was a tougher road than just throwing our hands up and deciding not to worry about it anymore.

Divorce should be a last result, and usually it's not, and of course it does happen. I believe if it does, you should go down fighting for the marriage. Then at least you can walk away knowing you did everything you could, and I know many who are divorced (the marine corps divorce rate is over 70%) who don't feel this way. The problem is that at that moment in their lives, they don't want to fight for the marriage, and later on hindsight is 20/20 and there are so many regrets.

Save marriage!

Also, I think that if you have such a great relationship, marriage is not going to ruin it. If you think that, then there is another personal issue boiling under the surface. but hey, whatever floats your boat

My ex-wife divorced me after a 20 year marriage and two children...we went to two or three brief one hour sessions with a "counselor"...who didn't seem to care if we worked it out or not!!! Then the real horror show began..my children were 10 & 12 at the time..my ten year old daughter wanted to stay with Mommy..but did not know (neither did I) that her mother was already dating and secretly remarried SIX weeks after the divorce. They would send my daughter to her room when Mr. Wonderful came over for a "date". My son who was 12 chose to live with me...but seven months after the divorce my ex took me back to court and they handed my son over to her!! This despite the fact that my daughter was missing lots of school and was often locked out of the house!!! Well fast forward from then 2003/2004 to now...my daughter has anorexia and nearly starved herself to death..5'3" weighting 87.5 lbs!! and Mr. Wonderful insisted that my daughter didn't need medical attention!!! I was forced to call DCF to save her life!!!My son was forced to drop out of the prep school I had enrolled him in when I had custody and to which his mother promised the judge he could continue to attend after she won custody. That promise lasted three weeks!!

When people have children together they should make every effort to work out their problems as a couple. The children are always the ones who pay the highest price!! I remember going to the mandatory "parenting" classes before the divorce. The person giving the lecture said that children ALWAYS hope that their parent will reconcile but that this was not realistic!! I couldn't disagree more...the children are correct..its the adults who are CHILDISH!!!

ARE YOU SERIOUS???? To me this is common knowledge. People have had it so easy in the last few generations they don't know anything but the easy way out. Divorce is just that. We just have not been teaching children to respect others and their surroundings along with a total lack of what it means to make a commitment. It's not just marriage it's everything. Official contracts signed and sealed have become a joke. They don't mean anything anymore. I'm as guilty as anyone for spoiling my child but I try to teach him respect and make him come good on his commitments. (Although it's hard when his mother is among the aforementioned)

This is what it's really about. It's not about marriage. IT'S ABOUT PARENTING!!

I have repeated ths line to my son whenever he has disrespected anyone. (Before you do something to someone else, think how you would feel if they did it to you.) Although I admit I am very lucky to have such a well behaved child, I'm sure at least a little of that is on me.