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I think it's great for women to have financial freedom and independence. What if your husband decides to no longer give you money for groceries and other expenses, or if he becomes abusive or finds himself another lover and leaves you dry with all the expenses for you to shoulder all alone? It's important that women be prepared for such an occurrence. Whether the woman works part-time or works from home, it will prevent her from being a slave to her husband, who could become abusive and domineering in the future. This is especially true if the woman has no friends or relatives to turn to in case something happens.
#1 - Mon Apr 6, 2009 7:23 PM EDTEvery woman should know the signs of abuse. A marriage is a companionate partnership, not a domination. You should never be entirely dependent on your husband - you should remain marketable in case an emergency requires you return to the job force whether temporarily or permanently. This enables you to care for yourself if need be.
If your husband controls all the money without letting you make decisions (as finances ARE part of the household task), is dominating, is controlling, restricts your friendships, restricts the things he "allows" you to do, restricts contact with the outside world, or provides you with an "allowance" that was not agreed upon by both of you as a solid financial set-up, and especially if he refuses to allow you to better yourself to be a marketable career woman if necessary, or abuses you emotionally, verbally, or physically then you need to rethink the marriage.
I've been in abusive relationships, I know how hard it is to leave, but becoming a housewife or stay-at-home-mom does not encourage that behavior.
The concept of taking care of the family has been lost during these discussions. Family means communication between a husband and a wife. As a society that is just non-existent. I worked for 12 years, have been in the military for 17 years, and attend a University pursuing my bachelor's degree and have a 6 month old daughter. As a mother, one would do anything for their child, regardless of the situation. If there is love, communication and understanding, a woman will not confront challenges such as a husband leaving, abuse, etc. If that occurs, move on! Staying at home does not mean a slave to your husband or your child, it means you are taking care of family, something that the United States has lost for the past years because we want to worry about "ME" and "MY DEGREE," "MY SUCCESS," etc. I have been a stay at home mother for the past 9 months and I love it. The fire is still burning between my husband and I, we spend time together as a family, we go out on dates, active in our church and manage to go out on our own with friends. It's all about setting priorities and know that family comes first.
I think it's very sad to think that some one you picked and married would one day become abusive or up and leave for a younger/better looking woman. Does it happen? Sure, it does. But to constantly think about "what if......." is useless. Preparing for the future is one thing, but worrying needlessly about all the possibilities that the future could hold would drive a person crazy. What would you say to your child after they figure out that you could afford to stay home with them, but chose to go to work instead and leave them in a stranger's care? "Sorry sweetie, but I had to work in case your father decided to leave me for a younger woman/decide to become a drug addict/ started to become abusive"?
One would think that after a certain age, and certainly after having children, that a woman would be smart enough to pick a great guy. Why would you marry someone that you thought would eventually leave you(shallow), or become abusive(nobody becomes abusive out of nowhere, there are ALWAYS signs in the begining), or become a drug addict(again, another behavior that ALWAYS has some back story/signs that this person could relapse)?? Shallow, somewhat abusive, and has a history of drug/alcohol abuse doesn't make a good husband, so why would someone marry a guy like that. Then again, a guy who isn't shallow, has never used drugs or abused alcohol, and isn't abusive isn't very likely to pick up those behaviors out of nowhere.
It's always good to have seperate interests outside of being a homemaker/mother, but when you have children, you are supposed to dedicate your life to them, not just your insecurities. If you were an infant, would you choose to be raised in daycare because of your mother's paranoia? I certainly would not. No matter how good a daycare center/nanny, there is absolutely nothing that can replace the tender, loving, personal care that someone's real mother can provide to a baby or a toddler. You can't buy the moments you get to share with your child when they are young. And viewing them through photos or dvds from your daycare center isn't an adaquate replacement, because you're children won't have those precious memories with you. Those memories will be shared with their nanny. And I really do not think that your child will ever grow up and say to you "Gee, mom, thanks for putting me in daycare so I could have all those fun times with that lady who isn't in our family."?
Bottom line is: Do not have children if you're not intent on raising them.
You must not be married or have children, because you don't know anything! First of all, you're supposed to pick the right guy before having children, not after! And after a certain age is when you already have children! You don't ever plan on them leaving you or abusing you! You marry someone that you love (love is blind), only to be confronted with the illusion after marriage and children. Not all men who are controlling are physically abusive. My husband was a charming liar and cheater and emotional abuser. They come in all different packages! My husband was intelligent and had a good career, so I decided to stay home with our son. But as soon as I gave up my independence, he started treating me disrespectfully and left me for another woman. I had no money, no job, and no education. I found a job that paid well enough to live on, but I hated it! So I put myself through college at the same time. Things are better now, but I struggled for a long time. I loved the time that I spent with my son when I was home, but I had to go back to work when he started school. I had no choice. I am very happy for those of you who have wonderful husbands and get to stay home. But don't judge the rest of us. By the way, my son is wonderful. He gets straight A's and all kinds of awards, is a soccer pro and plans on going to MIT, and loves his mommy very much. He tells people that his mom is awesome because she works and goes to school and still has time to spend with him! SO THERE!
Wow, that is pretty negative thinking. Not that there aren't cases like you are talking about, but most people know if there are problems before they marry and may choose to marry anyway, walking straight into a bad scenario. In these cases, it is sad because it is not just the married couple that suffers, but the irresponsibility of the parents to put their kids in a not so healthy situation from the get go. Women and me really need to marry and have kids for the right reasons and there are right reasons. Also, marriage is just plain tough at times and I would hope that a person would want a strong, healthy partner that they know pretty much from the getgo is in it for the long haul! I love being home and left a good career to raise my 3 kids. My husband supports me and I take care of him! We don't always agree, but we promised each other before we married that whatever our differences, we were going to stick it out, 26 years later we have!
I don't know about men who "become domineering and abusive" as they get older, but obviously a woman needs to watch that he doesn't control all the money....ever.
#2 - Mon Apr 6, 2009 7:37 PM EDTIs their a benefit for a woman to SAH?
Women who decide to SAH benefit mostly when the husband gives freedom of space to choose what is to be done and trust to spend to maintain a homefront with out laying any guilt trips or asking why they didn't do this or why the house is still sloppy. Albeit, as a SAH mom to four under 11 with one with special needs, an inside hunting dog and one loving rescue cat - to keep the house in emmaculate condition is a far fetch. Many days are spent making household phone calls to keep an organized and maintained home; and calls to maintain a healthy family, in addition to being an inhouse computer technician to keep "office equipment" running for days when my husband is working at home, preparing meals while kids are in school and such so that when kids are home I can visit/bond with them and be with them in present time just like Mr. Rogers was on television to his young audience.
A SAH mom planning to potentially work outside of the home shall keep up her skills whether their volunteer work or taking enrichments classes. SAH moms need to remain marketable if they choose to find a fulfilling job in the future outside of the home.
In the end everyone can benefit if the cards are played right and most importantly if both partners work together and truly love each other enough to make it work so that both parties are satisfied in the home and in their social life.
Personally, when some ones tells me they pay for one bill and the other spouse pays for television/cable or another utility - I don't see unity. When we married I cried at our vows when my husbands personal vow said how what is his now becomes ours. We do have many differences we need to continually work on. The bottom line comes to down to healthy communcation between the married couple.
#3 - Mon Apr 6, 2009 8:51 PM EDTFor years my husband and I put our money together and paid the bills. One checking account. I now have an account for me and one for us. He had a drug problem several years before we married. He went back to that when the stress of life became too much and we almost lost everything. I believe if you can trust each other, have the same account. If one has lost that trust you have protect the security of your home for your children and yourself. To be able to support yourself and your kids sometimes means you have to take full control. So separate accounts works better than divorce...
Good point. Many different sides like anything else.
I think it is up to the woman to chose ultimately. Or conversely the Dad to decide. Stay at home Moms and Dads contribute as much as a working parent and if they can afford to do so then great. I for one preferred staying at home and working part-time for awhile then I found that I was more suited to being at work as it was my choice. In my opionion we do what we need to do for our families and our own mental health.
#4 - Mon Apr 6, 2009 9:20 PM EDTI can say as a stay at home dad of 10 years with 4 kids 10 and under that for us the decision was easy. My wife had a career and we took a look at the cost of daycare vs our combined pay. Total nobrainer once we saw that my entire check would go to the daycare. The decision was the right one for us because we wanted to make sure at least one of us was at home with the kids at all times and we felt it was best for the kids to be raised by a parent rather than a daycare. Did we have to sacrifice things? oh yeah and we'd love to have extra money as well but for us it is well worth it.
After 20 years of adult life, all of them working while attending school or working to pay off school, I finally accomplished all of my goals except for three: attain my bachelor's degree, get married, make a family. However, in order to raise our child with an intact self-esteem, we decided I would become the SAHP. We will afford it. In five years, I will return to the paid workforce because, then, we won't afford it, anymore. I am glad to be out of the paid workforce. My path led me to many haters, and, I am weary of working with people that hate their jobs. Now, I am with a little person who enjoys everything, and, I get to be with her along the way.
#5 - Mon Apr 6, 2009 9:55 PM EDTI have been a Domestic Engineer for 28 years and is very blessed and would not change a thing.
#6 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 12:20 AM EDTI think if a woman can afford to stay home and this is a path she chooses, then more power to her. The decision to stay home and raise your child or children first hand is a CHOICE. Every woman, or parent for that matter, can decide what's best for that child. I have stayed home with my child and recently started working part-time. While my job allows me to still be at home with my child, I find what is most important is the quality of interaction between parent and child. I think it's unfortunate that there is such a divide between "stay-at-home moms" and "career moms". We are all mothers who care for our children. We should all be able to support one another without having to defend our decisions on how we raise our children. The best method is the method that works best for you!
#7 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 12:38 AM EDTThe benefits are simply too great not to. Of course any smart woman knows to be prepared - go to school at least part-time and earn a degree in case something happens (he loses his job, he dies, you divorce) so you have something to fall back on.
Research has shown that marriages are stronger, both people in the couple are happier, and children are better behaved and do better in school (especially boys) when the mother stays home. With more women staying home it also opens up jobs in the market for single women and for men.
Of course, it is still the woman's choice, but there are SO many ways to make it possible that any woman who wants to should. My personal stance is that married women should not work. I am working my way through three degrees - certification in Chemical Dependency Counseling and a masters in both Family Science and Library Science. I think the best use of them will be taking care of my future husband and volunteering.
#8 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 4:07 AM EDTAbsolutely, without a doubt. I believe it is best for the children and for the family. I did it and the twelve years I spent at home with my three children were the best years of my life. It was a choice my husband and I made together. He had to work extra hours to make it possible, but it definitely was worth it. I was fortunate to have a network of other SAH moms who were my friends, and I did volunteer work at my church that eventually led to a career when the children were older. I had attained a bachelor's degree and a master's degree before having our children. I do believe it is important for women to become educated and be prepared to enter the work force if need be. But the best job I ever had was being a SAH mom. My children would agree, and my married daughter is presently a SAH mom with four children. There were a lot of material sacrifices we had to make during those years, but nothing that we couldn't live without. You would be surprised when you look at what you spend on necessities and wants or could-do-withouts.
#9 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 5:39 AM EDTDr. Laura makes the world go backwards once again. A woman should do what makes her happy. A happy Mother equals a happy family. Women have worked years for their degrees and careers, just because they are the one that becomes pregnat is no reason to give up their dreams ad potential for sucess.
#10 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 8:26 AM EDTThank you I couldn't agree more...her views are so outdated!
Happy children are part of a happy family.
Why can a person only be considered successful if she has a job outside the home? I have been home to care for my family for 18 years now and have achieved quite a few things that I am very proud of. It gets so old hearing that one can only be a successful and contributing adult if she is making money. The contributions a stay at home mother can make in so many lives (not just her children's) can be innumerable. If one wants to work outside the home, that is her choice. If one wants to stay at home, that is also her choice. Neither should be told they are doing the wrong thing or made to feel they are wasting their lives. Society needs to acknowledge that being a stay at home mom is a profession like any other highly respected profession.
Thanks, Vanessa! My mother was a helpless victim when she married my father under false pretenses. He never disclosed to her that he had been laid off from work that same day (she was paying for the lavish wedding, why tell her?), that he had other children from a previous marriage who would need child support, that he was jealous and she would have to quit her job to satisfy his jealous rages, leave her family behind, leave her country to be with him and become a housewife and SAHM even though she was well-educated. He said she'd be able to work and he'd pay for a maid and nanny. He instead transplanted her to a foreign country where she could not speak the language (which was obviously to his advantage) and after she had promised to help her mother who was dying of cancer, he turned around and said "charity starts at home" and made her quit working, in fears that she'd find a better looking man, and would not allow her to send money to her dying mother. He never let her leave the house (she had no car nor driver's license), nor could she ever speak to her family again. If the meals weren't on the table when he got back from work, he'd yell at her, slam doors, and curse at her. She cried for many years and always instilled a sense of independence in me as a child, to never depend on a man like she did, go to college and get a degree, because I could end up in a similar situation. He cheated on her too, by the way. Yes, they could afford for her to stay at home and still live pretty well-off, but this isn't the point. Why didn't she leave? She had no money, did not speak the language, had no support system, nothing. To all those people who say all women should stay at home if they truly love their kids, think twice. I wish my mom had worked some so we would have been able to live on our own rather than witness the stress and sadness in her eyes. I had a bad experience with the man I married too, by the way. I am now a single mom who supports herself and her daughter, with no help from her father who is a deadbeat, so I am glad I listened to my mom and witnessed everything that happened first-hand. Maybe if someone was just telling me this without me witnessing it, I would have been skeptical. I don't feel I am selfish as some people like Dr. Laura would like to say, I am responsible, and yes, I could have been a stay at home mom, but then I would have had to live off the government a-la-Nadya-Suleman, and I think I should be responsible for my own actions, as should people like Nadya. Dr. Laura must have lived in a bubble and in a perfect world, but not every marriage or relationship works out, and both partners ought to be prepared to handle themselves in case of a separation or divorce, or the mom could end up living off the government and not able to support herself and kids with such a meager amount of money as the government hands out, all because of no work experience or having been out of the workforce for too long. Better safe than sorry, ladies.
Why are we still debating this matter? There are positives on both sides! Women who can and want to stay at home with the children should do so with no criticism. Conversely, women who want to pursue a career outside the home should do so without any criticism. Both work and both can produce healthy and successful children as adults, if the parents are committed!
#11 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 8:37 AM EDTWell said!!!!
I was a career woman for 16 years and gave up a very good position to stay at home with my infant son. I wouldn't trade this for anything as I was tired of the rat race (was single until I was 36 and had my baby close to 38) -I give women a lot of credit who do work outside of the home as I have no idea how they juggle everything. Keep in mind though that being a SAHM is a full time 24x7 job -we don't get lunch breaks and are the ones that are up all night long when need be. The endless chores keep us occupied all day too -there are no bon bons in sight these days.
I think staying at home is a lovely thing if you can afford it. However, I don't think everyone can afford it. I would love to be able to stay home with my daughter, but it's simply not feasible. And yes, I have reviewed finances & gone over every possible way to cut things in order for me to stay home. I'm happy to report, that even though I work 5 days a week we have a very intelligent, well-adjusted, and well behaved 5 years old. Working moms or stay at home moms should NEVER have to justify their choice. One is not better or worse than the other.
#12 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 8:47 AM EDTI remember as a child desperately wanting my mother to stay home and do all the things I missed out on, so I am now a stay-at-home mother for my children. I think it's a priceless gift we can give our children.
#13 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 8:51 AM EDTI tried working but it is impossible to give 100% at work and at home. At the end of the day, my family suffered. I respect working mothers and feel for those who have no choice, but for those that do have a choice it's unrealistic to say you can do both without one suffering. I know this will piss some people off but it's true. There is no such thing as SuperMom and there are only so many hours in a day. We can't make miracles happen.
#14 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 8:59 AM EDTI am blessed that my husband's income affords me the choice to stay at home with our daughter. Even though money was not an issue I struggled (and continue to struggle at times) with my choice to quit work. I walked away from a big career and a big paycheck. In exchange I gained precious time...fleeting time...with my child. No paycheck could give me that kind of reward. Are there days when I want to pull my hair out? You bet. Are there days when I miss climbing the corporate ladder? Sure. But in the end I know this was the right choice for my family and I am eternally grateful that I have choices.
#15 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 9:11 AM EDTWill it never end: working moms vs. SAH moms. It is a personal choice and no one should have to defend their decision, moms and dads alike. I am a SAHM and that is what works for me. People have asked both my husband and myself how we are able to live on one income. We answer them with one word: Sacrifice. We don't have a new house in a new subdivision, we drive older cars, we don't take big, expensive vacations every year, we don't wear name brand clothes. For us, it was more important for me to be at home. But I am in no way confined to my house. Now that both kids are in school I do volunteer work and finally am able to take time for myself.
I was sorry to see Meredith Viera turn the interview with Dr. Laura into another debate on working vs sah moms. I was hoping to hear more about the book.
#16 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 9:27 AM EDTI can't believe the segment that was just show! The Today Show has made it perfectly clear about their stance on At Home Moms, from Meridith's eye roll at the end of the segment, to the very dated picture of a mother and baby on the home page! I have three kids, and am at home, and in the 14 years of this I have learned that the women who still fight about this are not comfortable with their choice. The women who have to work for financial viability are very easy to get along with and respect my choice, the women who work from choice, are quite derisive of my lifestyle.
It is my choice to stay home, and yes, I make costumes for the school play, and cook for bake sales, help little ones plant seeds for Mother's Day, and spend time with struggling readers, I pick up sick kids, and bring them home when their mom has an "important" meeting. I drive on field trips, deliver for Meals on Wheels, pick up roadside trash, read to kids at the library, and my house is a mess and I wear dated clothes, I can't find a pair of tights that don't have cotton balls stuck to them, but good grief I hope that when my daughters are grown they don't feel that they have to make someone else "wrong" in order to validate what is "right" for them.
#17 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 9:27 AM EDTI was a stay at home mom for 20 years, raised my own food, made my own baby food and loved every minute of it. After twenty years my husband left, still had two children at home, no income. Time to find a job, injured on the job after 6 years and was on disability. Today I am 64 and because my work history was short I only have $600 a month to live on. Ladies, your children are better off is you stay at home but you will pay for it when you age if your circumstances go wrong.
#18 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 9:29 AM EDTMy husband and I don't have any children yet. I can understand how bitterly the the loss of a marriage can sting as a spouse seperates two lives that had become joined and how that can taint the well laid plans that were supposed to be your future. But I also believe in marriage and that you can trust your spouse and God to take care of you. I do believe that I am a smart, well rounded individual who is capable of hard work and independence; yet I also believe that part of the reason I turned out that way is because my Mother made the choice after earning her masters degree and working professionally for years to be a stay at home mother. My parents made the decision to homeschool us when they couldn't afford a more expensive private schooling option and felt that the public schools in our area were inadequate. BOTH of my parents sacrificed so much to make my silblings and I into people that cared about our relationship with God, family and each other. We did not have a lot of money growing up... in fact we didn't have much at all. But my memories of my childhood are filled with laughter and family dinners, science experiments and picnics. Our home was a place where our imaginations were encouraged and television discouraged. Most of my friends never experienced half of what our parents poured into our lives by sacrificing my mother's income so that instead of investing in a larger home or a new care, we became their chief investment. All of my friends growing up loved coming to our house. For many of them it became a surrogate family, many times because their parent's were too busy "earning a good home" for them. It didn't seem to matter to my friends that they had a pool at their house and we didn't. They had the newest game system and we didn't. We had a loving home with an environment that their parent's couldn't buy. If a family truly cannot afford to not have the mother working that's one thing, but to say that my mother is any less than the smart, put together, well adjusted, and yes, independent woman that she is is an insult to her and to many other women like her. I hope that my children can have the same opportunities and love that I saw from my parents on a daily basis.
#19 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 9:30 AM EDTI was a stay at home mom for 20 years, raised my own food, made my own baby food and loved every minute of it. After twenty years my husband left, still had two children at home, no income. Time to find a job, injured on the job only worked 6 years and was on disability. Today I am 64 and because my work history was short I only have $600 a month to live on. Ladies, your children are better off is you stay at home but you will pay for it when you age if your circumstances go wrong.
#20 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 9:30 AM EDTBingo, it's best to work even if it's part-time or from home, than to end up in this situation. I am sorry for what happened to you, and sorry you can barely live with such a small amount of money. I hope people take heed when they read this.
I think and hope that young women these days know that they need to get the education and work experience to be able to take care of themselves and their children. I was married to a doctor for 21 years, stayed at home with the kids, and even though I had a master's degree (without thesis, so don't have the actual piece of paper), when he left me, I couldn't just step into a good paying job because I didn't have enough "work experience". Divorce after a long time doesn't mean that the man has to keep you in the life style to which you were accustomed, so I get by on what I make. Thank goodness I'm not disabled, so I'll get more retirement than you, ReBecca, but women who choose to stay home with their kids will definitely pay for it later if their husbands leave them.
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Never give up you are! Or one day when the kids are gone you will look at yourself and say what happened and look at hubby and say who's he