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How disappointing that we are arguing this point - one is not better than the other. The issue is how much you give to your children, whether you meet their needs, whether you give them the time and attention to ensure that they grow up happy, well-adjusted and secure. I've seen stay at home moms that don't do that, working moms who do, and vice versa. It makes no difference whatsoever. If you are truly committed to your children, bottom line, they will thrive.
#21 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 9:49 AM EDTI would have liked to hear more about Dr. Laura's book. Meredith did a poor job on this interview. If people need to make an informed decision, then they need to know the facts. It is true that people can live off of one income, and women need to know the facts. Fact is that you save on many aspects that you pay for just to work... like childcare, lunch and dinner if you are to tired to cook after work.This is not a debate for women who can't stay at home. We know many can't.
#22 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 10:02 AM EDTI am ITA that Meredith did a very poor job in the interview - she interjected way too much personal emotion into it, cutting off the message Dr. Laura was actually sharing.
A woman (mother) should make the decision to stay home, or now, based on her gut/heart - not her head.
And choosing to being such is not being a slave to a husband. I believe that is a feminist movement mindset - not the truth of it. From my perspective, a stay-at-home-mother has her resources in place (or should) should anything happen to her husband - either having an at home based business, or connections through family and friends. Also (from my perspective), the husband (to better equip the mother/wife in case something should happen to him) should take the responsiblity within his means to ensure his wife and child(ren) are taken care of in case of an emergency (life insurance, family assistance, etc). Just personal views being shared.
#23 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 10:22 AM EDTI actually think my husband is less in charge of our household than I am. I pay the bills and manage our money. The fact that it is "his" paycheck that is deposited in our bank account really never comes into play. We have equal amounts of "discretionary" money to spend, and I make sure we save and spend wisely as part of my "job" as CHO (chief household officer). My husband is the one who asks me if he "can" buy something.
Also, because of where we live and the difference in how we'd handle a tragedy, we actually need MORE life insurance on me than on my husband, even though I don't earn an income at present. If the worst happened to my husband, I would move to be near family in an area with a much lower cost of living and live very comfortably. If something happened to me, my husband would want to stay where we are for his career, and would have to employ at least two nannies as well as a housekeeper because of his work obligations.
I do agree that women should "have a plan." I think everyone should have a plan, whether they stay at home or not. A job is no guarantee of future income.
What about dads that stay at home? Why are we always forgotten?
#24 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 10:32 AM EDTThat's what my man and I decided on; I make more money, and have a better career, so he's teaching our daughter and cleaning the home and so forth. He's doing an excellent job.
Well you're lucky, and the exception. Most men will take offense to being put to clean and some may even find it offensive to be the stay at home parent, and having to admit to people their wife makes more. A huge amount of people are living below the poverty level because neither partner makes enough, even if the incomes are combined. You're lucky to have a partner, but a lot of people are single parents and cannot afford this luxury unless they want to become Nadya Suleman.
I know this is an unpopular sentiment, and I know that things happen (my father died when I was six, so I KNOW), but I never understood why someone would CHOOSE to have children if at least one parent was unable to stay at home for at least a few years. I honestly think that with careful planning, most couples could manage a year or two on one income, but it would require planning and sacrifice. The real truth is that most people do not do the work required to have a parent stay at home, even for the first few years. That work, by the way, includes getting an education so that you can earn more money when you are working--and college is not the only way to go. There are plenty of skilled tradesmen in the world (mechanics, plumbers, electricians) who make far more than I could ever make, even with an advanced degree.
Women need to learn to take control of their own lives. If you want to stay at home with your future children, either set yourself up financially to be able to do that or find a partner who is willing to work hard to make that happen. If you earn a high income and would like your future spouse to stay at home with your children, don't marry a man so insecure that he can't handle the concept of staying at home with his kids. In order to be able to do planning, make sure you don't get pregnant before you are ready to have a child. Birth control is very inexpensive (or free) in most states, even without insurance, and if you are even a little bit resourceful you can prevent unwanted pregnancy, even if you are having sex.
I am not "lucky." I planned, and I work hard, and so does my husband. We laid the foundation for me to stay at home before we were even married. I am not saying you (Miami) don't work hard--I'm betting you work REALLY hard. What I am saying is that the planning and hard work to be able to stay at home has to happen well before a pregnancy, and that people who find themselves dealing with an unplanned pregnancy probably didn't do that type of planning or work.
It just annoys me when people say it's "luck." It's not luck! I didn't win the lottery! Before we had children we got rid of all debt and saved money. My husband and I both drive older cars and have no car payments. I have a pre-paid cell phone I barely use. I spend time every week planning our menu around what is on sale, and I resell what my children outgrow and use that money to buy their new clothing. If we can do it (and in a really expensive area), then anyone could do it as long as they planned.
I quit my job as an RN to stay at home with my children. Even though we gave up 60% of our income it has been the best decision I have ever made in my life!
#25 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 10:46 AM EDTI don't know what kind of men women are marrying but any loving husband and father would want there children to have a mom at home to love and take of them.
Anyone can live off of one income but it is a sacrifice to do so. You CANNOT have it all! I stay at home with my three kids and we still have nice things. You have to decide what is more important to you, having "things" or giving your children their mother.
Your kids are only kids for a very short time. Before you know it they are off on their own & you can either be left with fond memories of the time you spent together or memories of their drawings from daycare.
#26 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 11:39 AM EDTAmen! I am so tired of being told I'm "lucky." Don't try to make me feel guilty just because you didn't want to make the same sacrifices or do the same planning that I have done! If women want to go back to work, that is an individual decision, but I'm tired of women who act as though they envy me when, if that were actually true, they'd cut down on the lattes and manicures and stay at home, too. If you're at home, embrace it. If you're at work, embrace it. Have the courage to do what you want to do.
Yes, one is better than the other!! Staying at home with your children is the best gift that you can give your children. All of you working mothers justify, justify, justify your decision. Just face up to the facts... you CHOOSE to NOT be at home with your little ones.
The truth is that being a stay at home mom is harder than any other job out there. Anyone who thinks that stay at homes moms have it easy are sadly mistaken.
The working moms need to stop feeling so guilty about what they are doing and leave the stay at home moms alone.
Stop picking on us for doing what you feel so guilty about NOT doing!!!
#27 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 11:44 AM EDTYou sound pathetically defensive and talk about justify, justify, justify....how about nobody needs to feel guilty, how about one is not better than the other and how about every woman has choices in every situation when it comes to raising their kids. You make allot of assumptions (ie: what ANY husband would want, you CANNOT have it all, staying at home is harder than ANY other job...?) Stop it. If your feeling picked on you should look in the mirror and have a discussion with the bully that's giving you a hard time. BTW, kids are a little older, husband keels over, and you haven't had a job for ten years.....hhhhmmmm, I'm thinking that "things", like food and clothing, don't seem so bad - your kids would probably agree.
Will your kids make you feel guilty as they cry when you leave home to work every day?
Mine sure did.
So what is a single mom supposed to do? Oh, that's right, she is a "bad" mom already for not being with her child's father in the first place! Maybe she should stay home to make things "right" and live off the government, so your taxes can go up even more. You're living in a perfect world, but in reality, 50% or more of all marriages end in divorce, so what is the woman supposed to do? Beg her husband for child support and hit him up for alimony (assuming he even has a decent job)? Turn into a gold-digger? A prostitute?
Single moms do what they have to do, just like the rest of us. Sometimes things don't go as planned. However, I think the larger problem is that for many people, there was never a plan to begin with.
I think she's soooo outdated in today's world. She old and not in touch with what's going on and trying to get attention. RETIRE and please do us all a favor!
#28 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 11:50 AM EDTPrior to marriage and children I taught middle-school science for a number of years. Each year I noticed those children with a SAHM usually were more secure, higher achievers and made better choices when the tough questions (character issues and/or smoking, drugs, sex) came. We SAHM may not see the results right away, but those seeds of what we invest in our children do take root.
Yes, I still use my college degree in a meaningful way and don't regret this SAHM choice at all.
#29 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 11:59 AM EDTAs a former teacher, I agree with you, and it was a large factor in my decision to stay at home. My husband and I have already agreed that, even when I return to work, we will continue to live off of his salary so that, if needed, I can stop working and step in with our children. So many parents think that they can back off after elementary school, but in reality, often jr. high and high school is when they really need you more than ever.
What staying at home does for that parent is give them the TIME, energy, and patience to really plant those seeds. I don't know how parents who work outside the home have energy left to really parent their kids after working all day.
I am a working mother, and my son is an outstanding achiever! He has had straight A's since 1st grade. He is now in 6th grade. Last year he received the Presidential Award, and the Principal Award. This year he received the Honor Society Award. He has been nominated by several teachers for academic achievement programs, and is in the Gifted and Talented program. The key to being a successful working parent is to mother, not smother! Let them learn their mistakes when they are young. You don't have to be at home while they are at school. How are you missing time with them then. Are you going to go to school with them as well? I'm home an hour after my son gets out of school. He usually wants to vegetate anyway. And when I get home, he's ready to share his day with me. They need a little independence as well as guidance. And what are you going to do with yourself when they are out of the house? Go back to work after 20 years. You might have to if your husband leaves you for his secretary! And then how will your "planning" have worked for you then?
This is such a personal decision. No one's business other than those involved. To each his own, whatever works, makes one happy, and fulfills the needs of them and those around them.
#30 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 1:05 PM EDTI work full-time and use a home daycare. My daughter loves going, and is as close as a cousin to my daycare workers family (I use the term "daycare worker", but we are actually close friends!). It was (is!) important for me to build a little network of family/friends for support/comfort outside of my husband and myself, as both sets of grandparents live quite a distance away so are only seen maybe 1-2 times per year; and we don't see her cousins much either.
I read the letter to Dr. Laura about the mom who lost her 22 year old, and used that as validation for having been a stay-at-home mom. But what if the situation had been that the child lost his mom at a young age? Would he not benefit from having at least a couple of other strong adult role models that he had a strong bonds with? Of course no one can replace the loss of a parent - but surely the pain is eased the better the external support system that is in place. Was that not one of major benefits for Christopher Reeve's child, that when he tragically lost first his father than his mother - at least they knew they had a strong alternate family for him? I would hate to think that by having my daughter only used to ever being with her father and myself, that if anything should happen to one (or both) of us, I had essentially left her orphaned in spirit as well as reality!
Also - my daughter was a gift and a miracle. I do love all the little things that make her so precious - but I also enjoy that she can share those with the world. If anything would happen to her, I know that not only would she be sorely missed by so many people other than myself, but also they would have all these wonderful memories of her that would help her live on in spirit so much longer, than if I had hogged all those moments only for myself. Is that not the point of gifts - that they are for sharing? So no, I don't mind sharing her with others!
The other point I have (about my own choice) is that while some moms stay at home, they also do so by taking in other children for care (so less one-on-one time with thier own child) or have family members that can babysit as needed for weekend (or week long) breaks. As I stated - we have no family around. From the minute she was born, my husband or I have been with her every morning when she wakes, every afternoon we are done work (and I work 8:30-4:30 with only 15 min commute!), every evening to put her to sleep, and every night all through the night - including every weekend, statutory holiday, vacation days, you name it. In fact - the 40 hours I am at work are the ONLY 40 hours I have been away from my child since her birth.
So no - I am not in the least worried about "lack of time" or "lack of bonding" or anything of the sort! I rest easy in knowing I made the right decision - for my daughter, my family, myself. Though I would not be so presumptuous as to think my choices were the right choices for everyone - I think rather than feeling huge desire to defend our choices, we need to stop criticizing each other, and realize it's OK to be different and that in the end, if choices are made from love, then really - there is no wrong choice.
#31 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 1:16 PM EDTGood for you. It seems like both Dr. Laura and whoever wrote the "back to work" article used fear as their main motivating force. "Stay at home in case your kid dies." vs. "Stay at home in case your husband leaves you." I prefer to make my decisions based on facts, with careful planning and contingency plans, thanks. Decisions made from a place of fear are rarely good ones.
I hold a BS degree in Child Development. I chose that major b/c I knew I wanted to stay home whenever we had a family so it would benefit me both in and out of the home. When I first got married, fresh out of school, I worked in daycare as the head teacher for 12-24 month old children. I normally don't get too much into debates, but I will say that if your child is in full time day care, his/her teachers are the ones raising them. We knew more about their daily activities and habits and were often times the ones to witness those big milestones (first words, steps, foods, etc). We were also the ones to do the majority of the teaching, pottty training, etc. We had a handful of kids who would cry to stay with us rather than go with their parents which broke my heart. There is no way that children can spend 10 hrs with caregivers and maybe 2 hrs with their parents and have it be an equal share in child rearing. It's also confusing for the child b/c there will always be two sets of rules and they are torn by who to listen to. After my brief experience in the classroom I vowed that no matter what I would be at home barring no financial emergencies (mainly if something were to happen with my husband). We have made a lot of financial sacrifices, many that our families do not understand (mainly mine), but it's what works for us.
Your children are only young once. You get one shot and one shot only. When you are on your death bed looking back are you going to wish you spent more time at work or with your children? It is such a short time in your life, why let someone else experience it for you?
#32 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 2:07 PM EDTI stayed home for 5 years and it was so wonderful. I miss it so much. I had so much time to get everything done. Now I still have that job PLUS another full time job. I am so greatful for those years. I had time to be a mom and so many moms are doing EVERYTHING plus working. We don't always have enough left to give when we get home. I would encourage any mom who can afford it to please stay home even if only for a few years. It is rewarding even though sometimes monotonous, it is your most important job.
#33 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 2:14 PM EDTI recently chose (jointly with my husband) to not go back to work after the birth of my second child in December and I don't regret one moment. I had a great paying yet highly stressful job in management at one of the main telecom companies in the world and after my son was born, I knew I wanted to spend more time with him and my daughter. My job offered me much success over my 13 year career but I was willing and, fortunately able, to give up my job for the sake of my family. I do know how fortunate I am (we are) to be able to do this, especially in these economic times but know that is the right thing for me to do for myself and my family.
#34 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 2:43 PM EDTI think it is unwise to have absolutes in life, after all it can change on a dime. I can't say whether it is right to stay at home or right to work in regards to someone elses life. Until I have walked a mile in somones elses shoes my mouth is shut. As women we should be one anothers greatest supporters, don't we have enough to do already without adding this debate to our list. Do whatever you gotta do, just do it with gusto and don't apologize for it!
#35 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 3:16 PM EDTI work f/t out of the home. I am a very well-paid professional in my field. My husband works 3 days a week and is home with our 2 young children 4 days a week, otherwise they are in daycare/school. I love my career, my kids, and my husband and am grateful that he is home so much with the kids. Its important to us that our family is balanced and our children learn that you can be yourself and be part of a family. My kids LOVE their daycare and school and all the learning, fun, and activities they do there that being home everyday can not parallel. I am sad that this arguement keeps resurfacing. In today's economic climate families are struggling to get by...why on Earth are we laying guilt on parents?? Families should do what they can afford, and what feels right to them and their values....its hard enough to raise children and keep a marriage healthy...living up to other people's standards makes it even harder. I just hope that a parent who decides to stay home also considers their goals for when their children enter school, or are older......re-entering the workforce can be a challenge...consider everyone's needs from the beginning and plan ahead!
#36 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 3:44 PM EDTAgreed.
Positives and negative examples abound on both sides - why oh why are we still debating this issue? Do men debate SAH Dads - NEVER. Do what works for you and your famiy - just do it well - raise children with a sense of personal responsiblity and manners and you have done your job.
#37 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 4:57 PM EDTI have seen good and bad examples on both sides of this issue. Why oh why are we still debating this - do men ever debate being SAH Dad's - I don't think so. Do what works for you and your family and do it well. Whichever way you go, make sure your children have a sense of personal responsibility and manners, and you have done your job.
#38 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 5:01 PM EDTI don't understand the argument of women being doomed because of financial dependance and they will be in trouble years down the road when their husband leave them. I know plenty of working women that when they are laid off at age 50+ they cannot find another job, even though they have been working their whole life. And, women who have been working all their life get divorced, they too still struggle financially. SAHM will not be in any more financial trouble then working women. From what I've seen people always adjust their living according to what they make. Make less, spend less. Make more, spend more. Being a SAHM is the best sacrifice anyone could make & well worth it. Yes, you have to be smart & prepare for the future. I quit work when I had my children to stay home with them for 5 years. When they started school, I went to school to get into the medical field because they offer more flexible hours. I now have a part-time job working only on Mon. & Tue. and get paid great. I can earn money & still be a room mom, team mom, do chores while they are in school so I can devote time with them when they're home, and I'm the one who picks them up from school, helps them with their homework, etc... Let me ask you this - If you were to die tomorrow, would your job suffer long without you? How long will your children suffer without you? I choose to devote my time where it counts.
#39 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 5:13 PM EDTHaving the financial freedom to stay home with children when the other spouse works full-time outside the home is key. This is not an option for most families. However, as is painfully obvious now, many families brought in two incomes and still didn't make wise choices about being financially responsible. Most of us, as I learned several times over, can live responsibly and comfortably with far less income than we think.
By the way, I do think that the term Domestic Engineer is hyperbole. Without belittling the reality that the parent who stays home with small children is a hero, the job itself in no way requires higher education or specialized skills that few others can master.
#40 - Tue Apr 7, 2009 8:29 PM EDTWhile that is technically true, I find I use my degree in education with my children every day, and I use the skills I learned as a student (ie, the ability to research and find information) even more. I don't consider myself a hero, really, but I do run a household, and I think my education makes me better equipped to do so. It also makes me better able to earn an income if, in the future, I need to do so.
Maybe I'm not an "engineer" (I prefer to call myself the Chief Household Officer, which more accurately describes what I do), but I do think mothers are better mothers if they have education, whether it comes from a classroom or from their own research/reading.
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Never give up you are! Or one day when the kids are gone you will look at yourself and say what happened and look at hubby and say who's he