Should domestic violence ever be forgiven?

If you forgive, forgive silently. Never allow a manipulative abuser to use your forgiveness as a means to seize any control in your life. Forgive but never forget.

No form of mental, physical or other abuse of another should be condoned or tolerated.

The only thing you need to ask yourself is what would you want your child to do if she/he was in that situation. There is your answer. Put yourself first. You are that important!

I have been with someone like this and forgave and stayed until our son began exhibiting this behavior with little girls at school. They never change, the only situation you can change is your own. GET OUT!

Women that abuse their men mentally should be abused and just accept it because they're being abusive too.

If no abuse is to be forgiven, then what should we do with people like bush that abused a whole country? America has abused much of the world should people forgive us? Some women push their husbands buttons on purpose. Some men only understand violence. Some people change for the better some for the worse. Violence is taught to society through the actions of the leaders. The concept of might makes right transcends marriage or gender. Today in America society we are learning that if you disagree with someone it's OK to kill them. THe murders of the Somolian sailors trying to extract penalties from merchant ships polluting their waters is a prime example. Iraq is another. There is an increase in violence in America associated with the current wars.

We teach our kids not to hit on the play ground. Then we honor soldiers that are trained to kill. Which is it? Can I attack my enemies or not. When is violence OK? What is the difference between hitting a loved one or killing a stranger? How can you hold a person responsible for undeserved violence and not hold the government responsible for illegal wars? Can't a violent man claim he was preventing a future attack. He knew she was going to abuse him emotionally so he staged a preemptive strike.

I'm not for domestic violence. I'm for judging each case individually. I'm for holding officials accountable for their crimes. I feel there are many men in this country that are arrogant self righteous bully's that should be held accountable for their violence. bush being number one. Then we might see some trickle down justice in the world.

Women should be aware of the buttons they push because emotional abuse is actually worse in many cases than physical abuse; whether it comes from a women or a man. If a man is treating his wife like a second class citizen, she should get help and counseling before violence occurs.

You should have separated after the first time. What you are experiencing is typical of abusers. Protect your children and seek help and protection. If you stay you are just enabling him. I know you love him but it does no good if you or your children are killed.

My dad severely beat my mother when I was eight or nine. In his case, he did not cry and beg forgiveness. Apparently he just blamed everything on mom and left us behind by the time I turned 11 to marry another woman. I am now a 45 yr. old single mother of a 13 yr. old son. My own son's father left me when I was still pregnant. Not only did my father hate my mother, he also hated me because he abandoned us. Being left alone was a strange blessing during my pregnancy, I realized my son's father would do the same thing and I wasn't gonna give him the chance. I take excellent care of my son and he is the only family I have left. Let's all say a prayer for this woman and her children, she has a long road ahead.

No one can decide for someone else. I believe that a person may be able to learn from his--ONE--mistake. Men are strongly encouraged to be violent in this society. However, if a man is not completely horrified and shocked by what he did-- it should be a life-changing experience-- then he will do it again. Accusing a woman of 'pushing a man's buttons' is putting his action on her, the typical blame the victim. If he has a problem he needs to deal with it, not turn it into violence. Just as we didn't get excused for hitting someone in elementary school because they taunted us, so is it not ok to hit a woman because she fights verbally with you. And believe me, man, you are pushing her buttons too. Anyway it is up to the abused person to decide whether forgiving the first time makes sense, and not up to any of us to judge. As for when a woman stays with her abuser, anyone who has any questions or opinions about that needs to keep silent until s/he has read "It Could Happen To Anyone." I have been judged for a situation I stayed in and I say no one has that right to judge, to say "She should have left the first time." It's not that cut and dried. Thank you for reading.

i think after the first abuse,you should have reported the matter to the authorities and told your husband that you had .i think that would have served as a deterrent.you should forgive him,there are so many things that u have done that he has forgiven you for.as much as u want to think physical abuse is in a class of his own,emotional abuse i.e cutting your man down,humiliating him publicly and privately is also really painful.good luck

What this issue comes down to is the personal damage that was done. If an abusive offense was committed against your dignity and self respect, then you have been violated and damaged to a degree even you may not be aware of. Do not subject yourself to repeated abuse, although you may forgive the offender because of the fact that he or she may not be mentally and emotionally capable of maintaining a healthy relationship with anyone. Free yourself to find a healthy relationship and have the hope of living a happy life.

My former marriage was abusive. I agree with the "silently forgive" comment earlier - I will never give my ex any leverage over me voluntarily. However I voted for "Depends on the Circumstances". While I agree that hitting should be off limits, I know its possible for volatile people to flame over, without the situation being ongoing abuse. I think there is a truly distinct difference between the two. Those volatile people can learn to communicate better and avoid becoming physically confrontational. An abuser does not learn to behave differently, and is incapable of policing his or her behavior. I do not condone violence, but people who can learn should have the opportunity to learn alternate behaviors.

  Abuse can be forgiven from a distance but not tolerated.  I should talk tho'.   I have put up with a whole bunch of control freaks who are emotional abusers.  I have never been able to prove their abuse in court (you have to be able to prove abuse you know in a court of law).  I realized that the family on the whole was sick, and that I could not rely on any of them to speak up in my defense, nor in defense of my children. 

   I have had to stay in this sorry excuse of a marriage in order to protect my kids.   There have been years where I actually had to stay home from work in order to make sure my kids were not being outrageously abused by my husband or mother in law.   My mother in law finally passed away a few years ago, and we all are beginning to heal from her verbal and emotional abuse....I just hope the nasty old conniving goat didn't fake her death records and is still out there somewhere.   I did attend her funeral to make sure she was really gone.   She terrorized a lot of people, and after declaring for years how she would lie,steal and cheat for her only son, she disinherited him.  Get the picture ?  She controlled my husband the moment she walked in the door....and I would get to see a change in dynamic immediately...both mother and son turned into heckle and jeckle.   That horrible woman chased away my husband's two high school sweethearts, and wreaked havoc on both of his marriages and kids.  And he for his part has a underlying thug behavior that comes out from time to time....and its taken him way too long to get his own thinking straight.

   I cannot reveal anymore info than I have.  But I willl say I will not rail on any abused wife or husband after what I have been through the past 30 odd years.   Some of us abused have to stay in our abusive marriages because 1. our parents and siblings won't let us come home (and they seem to relish that us abused are being abused and humiliated). 2) We abused have been threatened with violence/mayhem if we leave. 3)  We abused, who can't prove the abuse in a court of law, cannot just walk away with or without our kids without being accused of kidnapping or abandonment.

    We abused refuse to leave our children in the hands of emotionally abusive people.  We abused will figure out the best way to adapt day by day, year by year if we cannot find a legal clean break.   And if you think this reasoning is stupid, what the hell do you know if you haven't lived it ?   So where our my high school friends...why haven't they sought me out demanding why I haven't been in touch all these years ?   It is not their fault that they don't know what has been going on all this time, but still I wonder why people don't ask, "what's up ?"   I always get concerned when people drop off the scope, or if something doesn't seem cricket.  I have been able to reconnect with some folks but the networking is all long distance, like now.

   I have been fortunate that my kids and I have been able to reveal the abuse to past counsellors and we have told them why we can't prove the abuse...and they have understood.  I put my kids in schools where morality and standards are important....and my kids are old enough now to tell people they are being abusive and that we are not putting up with it anymore.   There are family members who I really don't interact with anymore because they are verbally abusive and control freaks and by all appearances are incurable (as they won't get help, and are incapable of seeing ahead to consequences).  

  Can you imagine an abuser being so stupid as to not to realize that they are destroying their own families and happiness.   The abusers in my life really don't get to see their grandchildren or great grandchildren.....and it is pathetic and stupid that the abusers don't put family happiness and cohesion first.......nope, abusers are so self-centered and sick, that their only priorty in life is their abusiveness and control-freak behaviors.

  I even have family members get outraged with me because I have gone back to school.  Well if I find healing and liberty and a renewed zest for life attending school that's a good thing....and is nobody's blasted business.

My first Marriage was abusive. I went to counseling thinking it was all me and decided ending the marriage for the sake of my three sons was the best thing for them because I loved them more than I would ever love my husband. After the divorce, I met a man who thought was the world, eventually we were engaged and the abuse was worst than my first husband. Luckily for me I escaped him by going underground. Through my journey I realized that I was immature and a control freak. Once I could fix these behaviors I would be able to find a man that wasn't abusive and I did. I am currently married to a man I have been with for 9 yrs who has never raised a hand towards me or my children. He is a good father and a good husband, but if I hadn't seen my flaws and worked on them he probably too would have turned out to be abusive. A relationship is a partnership between two people and they each have to give a little for it to work. People need to learn how to communicate more effectively and know when it is the right time (never when you are upset!!!!) to communicate your feelings. It took me a broken back, a cracked sternum, two broken wrists, mutiple contusions on the head, a broken nose and a fractured skull to realize that everyone who blames the abuser as it being their fault entirely is wrong!!! and unless I was ready to make some life changes along with years of therapy, I would never get out of the abusive cycle. People who are in abusive relationships often continue the cycle because they have a deeper problem with in themselves that need to be healed before that person can actually choose a non-abuser for a partner. My advice for the woman is to leave for your children and get some therapy so you never make the same mistake again.

We may forgive never forget the abuser rarely Say's sorry, only blames the person they abuse. Mine has said over the years I force him to hate me to hurt me for he hates me, for I am lazy fat ugly I act's like a dyke his family encourages him by saying the same thing . for I used to speak my mind untilll the abuse physical and mental just became not worth it. My income is only 458, a month were can I live on that , He wont pay alimoney already took our home an dplaced it in brothers name years ago, no court paper will make him pay ! Look how many deadbeat parents are out there. I live in Hell or live in the street . some choice. most of the time the mental abuse is worse then physical, He only blames me, People believe him for he is a smooth talker. If you yourself met him you would swear I am nuts and he is the kindest man in the world. But when your back is turned he will laugh and tell me what an that person is and remind me That I have no one and no place to go for they adore him and think I am crazy. Maybe I am . Maybe one day He will set me free . Only those who live in this Hell know what I am talking about. Leaving is easier said then done. one cannot live in a shelter forever. Being disabled there is no hope for a job to better my income. I an stuck until God Finds Pity on me and takes me home.

What do you do when a husband who was not previously abusive ends up becoming abusive 17 18 years in to a marriage? I threatened to leave and he put me in a headlock and threw me in to a steel door, 4 bones were broken in my hand from putting them out in front of me to save my head... I had the perfect chance to speak up - tell the Dr tell my family but I didnt I lied to save face..Also because he alternately begged and threatened me not to ...At that point you have planned and saved for retirement, have your home halfway paid for and are looking your 40's in the eye and looking at the prospect of losing every material possession you have worked for all that time. Abuse happens on all economic levels. I can tell you that once it happens the marriage is never the same, you can never feel free again to speak your mind or argue your point or even disagree for fear of pushing him over the edge...plus you love the man and don't understand why he does not respect and treasure you the way he once did...I can tell you that once that happens he has found something that he values more.. probably a younger woman..strange that I worked my ass off our entire marriage and the new younger wife got the fruits of my labor and has never had to work a single day...I did the right thing and left - eventually...I should have right away or had him arrested immediately and stayed in the house somehow.. but I left only after giving it a chance to see if it could be fixed...I gave him everything as the price for my safety and the chance to start over... it was the best decision I ever made but it was not easy...Starting over middle aged is not something I could heartily recommend..I had 5 years of hard work depression and anxiety...but I am now happier than I have ever been in my life and have a husband who treasures me. The fear will always be there though, and the knowledge that I could spend another 20 years of my life and have the same thing happen.. god forbid..All I can say is don't make the same mistake do not lie to save face tell the DR right there and then and although it will break your heart have him arrested so he has to get counseling..do it.. it's the only chance you have and it will save you from everyone blaming YOU for leaving him later because you didn't tell the truth about the abuse when it was happening...

Abusers are like pedophiles...I don't believe they can be "cured." Mu husband went to counseling, anger management, etc., etc., etc., all to no avail. I am 53 and broke, but I finally have my dignity and my freedom from verbal and physical abuse. I would rather live in a cardboard hut that be denigrated every day like I was. I was not a good role model for my daughters. I say "Run for your life!"

Abusers are like pedophiles...I don't believe they can be "cured." Mu husband went to counseling, anger management, etc., etc., etc., all to no avail. I am 53 and broke, but I finally have my dignity and my freedom from verbal and physical abuse. I would rather live in a cardboard hut that be denigrated every day like I was. I was not a good role model for my daughters. I say "Run for your life!"

If an individual physically assaults a stranger, the police are called and charges filed. Yet, there is hesitation to contact the police when the assault is between family members...few of the posted comments mention filing a police report or seeking help through law enforcement. Help is out there...as hard as it is to call the police on someone you love, do it. In my state domestic violence charges are handled by law enforcement and the Courts with a strong hand, including "no contact" orders that are strictly enforced. This gives the victim a chance to safely make decisions about the relationship and their safety.

I saw the title of this article "Is it my fault my husband abuses me" and all I could think was HELL NO.  The only thing anyone controls is their reaction to other people's actions, never the other person.  Abuse is just a way of trying to change that and it happens to be impossible.  Run for your life.