Is the institution of marriage outdated?

People only cheat if they're obviously not committed body and soul to their mate. I have been married 27+ years and have NEVER even thought about cheating on my husband because I said my vows to him before God and I love HIM and only him! That's what's wrong with our country...where have our morals gone???

we're spoiled, we have everything we could possibly ever want, and have no reason to hold on to anything sacred

Wild idea: perhaps a little chastity before marriage might solve all these infidelity problems.  Combining the nagging stigma of cheating with the embarrassment of getting naked with a stranger - when you've only done it with one other person - can kill the "chance opportunity" that so many people say took them down that road. 

to sung park:

Wow...don't bother letting biology or human behavior be any guide. I'm sure being "chaste" before marriage will solve the problem.

Buy a clue...really.

@Maria

People are immoral because they don't hold the same values as you?

I don't believe anyone goes into a marriage with the intent of cheating. But, I'm not going to say that "it just happens"...people let it happen.

GTMac, No what she is saying is that we need to live by God's laws, not man's. Yes, it is immoral to have sex outside of marriage and adulterous to have sex with someone who is not your spouse when married. You all need to stop being selfish and self-centered and realize that anything worth having and doing takes work. I also have been married for 21+years and never once thought about cheating on my husband. I only pray that God will give us 20 more years together!

I agree that if you can't keep the commitment then what good is the marriage. Both people in the marriage have to be honest with each other. Trust is the one true bond that keeps a marriage together and if that is broken it is nearly impossible to get it back. You may forgive but we typicaly never forget.

Amen

God doesn't marry you; God gives you the opportunity to marry each other EACH DAY! It's not "I do" it's "I Will." I will wake each morning and choose to honor, and work for, our relationship. A critical mistake people make is that they sacrifice for each other when they should be sacrificing for the relationship--there's a difference. Our culture so prizes the individual that we are losing our collective ability to deny the self and build relationships that are greater than our selves. Hard? You bet it is! But is it worth creating and nurturing a love that has never before existed on this earth? Absolutely!! For our children, our communities, and for all those couples who want and need examples of healthy marriage.

That my friend is a cop-out and the reason why the culture of marriage has suffered, its because of thinking like that that hurts the sanctitiy of the God given right to share your life and love with another person, that being a woman to man.

Very well said, "I Will" Thanks for that!

Your point is a good one. "Why get married if there exsists no commitment to fidelity". I believe that is the reason so many marriages fail in our culture ( Norht America). For that matter why would/should two individuals even concider any kind of union contract, marriage or otherwise; without some expectations from one another. After all a marriage is a legal contract, that sets out the definition of the reationship. Of course it goes without saying that a marriage carries with it so many complex little nuances bared out by the fact that so many books and articles are written on the subject. We like to think of ourselves as enlightened and well able to make such life changing decsions with the help of sound counciling. Marriage is life changing. Just someone who is married.

like sung park said, if you are chaste until you are married marriage becomes an emotional and physical comfort.marriage becomes what it should be, a bond between two people who are connected in every way. if you sleep with tons of people before marriage and "live it up" then whats the use of marriage....you dont really need it anymore with those kind of morals.a true marriage is beautiful,its a new chapter in ones life and should never end.if you are livin it up you might as well continue i mean hey no real commitment and you get soo much more freedom too..

:)

Yeah GaLiberal. I agree with everything you so elloquently and accurately said. It's all about control and keeping order in society.

I want to be you when I grow up.

Finally a voice with reason. Thank you. I agree completely. Although I would like to have the validation I believe that another human being provides in a close relationship, I am not sure I have to be married in order to do that.

Some people still do understand the meaning of committment, it's just that they don't need a piece of paper to tell them what it is. People with strong religious convictions will always need marriage. As will those that find security in a legal document which they can wave in front of their spouse and say, "You are mine", and expect that person to somehow now be more trustworthy.

My feelings are that that damn piece of paper doesn't mean a thing. It won't stop a person from being unfaithful, only their own sense of honor will.

"back in the day" people did not live as long as today. My first marriage ( I was so blinded by love that he could have polkda dotted skin and I woud not have noticed). The next one, ah the 2nd marriage! I thought I was so much more careful, more guarded and definately chose someone that I and my young son could bond with! The first 8 years was "story-nook" a real life princess and prince fairy tale. Then came the ex (his) then came the booze, then came the drugs and the fists and another 2 years of broken bones. Then came the lawyers. I pretty much walked away with nothing. I had my disability checks ( but that was all ), my son and the family dog, a few pieces of furniture, and my not yet paid off car. I have remarried, but again to the wrong man. He doesn't hit, just likes to argure about EVERYTHING, and needs to be in complete control of everything. NOTHING is ever his fault or responsibility. It just can't be. I am making my plans a little at a time. I know it is coming. Have I failed? Hell no. I gave just about all of me to the last jerk. This one pretty much got what was left of me. I will get "me" back when I am once again alone and yes, happy. I use all my volunteering, and book clubs for a social outlet. I know that I am going to need these contacts when I go back out into the real world. I am 58 grandmother of 6. I see no reason to finish my life with unhappiness and turmoil. BTW this one is so controlling that he has decided he is going to bury me ( my wishes are for cremation ) and have me baptized (dedicated ) into his faith after I am dead and buried. Is it any wonder I have assigned an outside ( of the family ) person to be the exec of my will? I have alreday sent letters to the Mormon church and given my son instructions to sue the bloody hell out of that church if they try to "dedicate" me after my demise.

Nope this gal wants to have her way just this once, once and for all.

Frances, no offense meant but this has nothing to do with marriage, it has to do with you needing help to understand why you keep choosing to be with men who abuse you. You can break the cycle.

Really, this problem you created for yourself was that you were ga-ga in love with a total @!$%# but even the best advice of your parents, friends and associates who really knew him would not have changed your mind. I know for a fact there was a guy in your past that would have honored and cherished you, but you either thought he was a nerd or his teeth were crooked or his car had a spot on it so you decided to marry this barbarian who abused you - it's a sad tale told daily because young ladies are rarely educated on what to look for in a man. Marriage is still appropriate in our time, don't give up.

sherryj, I agree with what you said; and people also get married for the "stupidest" reasons, pressure from our society being one. I teach young women at our local university, and so many of them are planning their weddings, looking for Mr. Right, hoping to earn the degree but not work because they'll marry someone rich!? I'm shocked that young girls getting an education still feel that way. It's like they're ready for marriage and the American Dream, so they find a guy to plug into the equation and plan a huge wedding, which statistically is not likely to work out. It's a sad state of affairs, and I believe it's greatly due to American society making you feel like "less of a person" if you aren't married. There are many other ways to be fulfilled, and a man and woman can be in a loving COMMITTED relationship without being married. History has repeatedly shown that marriage certainly does not guarantee security or fidelity, and anyone who thinks it does (no matter what you're told when being courted!!) is deluding him/herself. Both adults must be mature, mentally healthly, and self-sufficient in order for any relationship to last. It has nothing to do with standing before God and making it legal. People's behavior in a relationship OVER TIME speaks volumes more than simply committing to marry!!! Those in long-term same sex relationships who stay together in spite of not being "allowed" to marry are proof of that.

no, that's not realistic at all....if a man and a woman are truly commited to each other than they can realistically spend the rest of their lives together....yes people grow and change but as long as wives are submissive to their husbands in matters of teaching the truth of their faith and husbands love their wives as Christ loves His Church (as indeed there is no greater love than that), then their hearts can always be found bonded to each other, even if they may not always see eye to eye

men and women who enter into that covenant of marriage should then aspire to have this union of husband and wife mirror that of the union Christ has with HIs Church, modeled after Mary, the Blessed Mother of all the eternally living

Many surveys have shown that the happiest adults are married men, the next happiest are single women, then married women, then single men. Clearly marriage is not giving women the same satisfaction as men, so why should they do it?

I also think it's hard to expect two people to stay together their whole lives when they are living until 90. If you get married at 25, that's 65 years of marriage, not 35 or 40 like it was when people didn't live as long. There are also more complicated life situations now, with women working and people having to move to follow jobs. I still think that people who plan to have kids should get married, but I kind of like the idea of time-limited contracts that could be renewed (or not) at the end of the period. It would make people feel less trapped in their relationship, so it might be easier to stay together. I've also found that serial monogamy seems more natural for me (although I would like to have someone to plan with and live into the future with....)

My gosh where to start??? Marriage is an unnatural place for anyone to be....sort of like being a priest.  Humans should not be expected to sacrifice their lives for another person....or Deity. It should never be mandatory.  If they do stay togehter fine, but not be forced to by vows and words.

I do not believe in keeping people as pets.You can train any creature to do tricks, and they will if they want to...if not...you will get hurt.  Being forced to be places, do things, spend time with the same person for life is terrible, limiting and  unfair.  However if it works it simply will, and it doesnt have to be on paper,and made into an official thing...unless it is subject to renewals and both agree it is good to continue..it should not be required ...or else!   It's the or elses of life that make marriage a bad situation. I have seen so many who should not renew....or even want to. 

Children may suffer if the parents are not together because they are told they will suffer. If it was optional they would even think of it.  Parents would not be hostile if it wasnt expected they would be either.  Marriage kills a good relationship.  We always love what we are not tied to the most and best....who loves a prison? A good affair is savored forever. Much longer than a marriage good or bad.

How sad for you! You can't even see how empty and selfish of a person you are, you just as well be one of the four charactors on Seinfeld as far as I'm concerned, your selfish, self absorbed and imature.

Sorry, Don, but I think you've got some serious blinkers on. Marriage is an immature way to make sure morality happens. Just as many religious people think that morality can't exist without their particular form of faith, pro-marriage people think that commitment and morality can't exist outside of marriage. And yet religious people kill in the name of their religion more than any other single cause, and marriage fails across nearly all spectrums in the majority of people--it fails in companionship, sex, love, security, I could go on. Like religion (and of course, the two are heavily tied together), I think marriage is a way for people who can't behave as pro-social, decent people on their own to create an artificial structure for themselves, to trick themselves into being good. In both cases, it doesn't work particularly well.

Just what world have you come from Allie?

wow. what society are we living in today...? people simply saying that if they live together some days and occasionally have a child is just the same as being married...is just crazy. People don't realize that marriage is a job that must be altered and worked on. instead people take the easy way out and say that marriage just makes it legal. I myself am not very religious but I am to be married in Febuary. Relion is not a factor in our vows and loyalty to one another, and it is close minded to think thats why anyone WANTS to get married, just to make your GOD happy. I personally think that if you want to get married then you can, or if you don't then fine. But don't think that society is pressuring anyone to get married, or looks down on those who don't. Everyone is different, and should be treated as such. Lumping people into categories claiming that if you get married, you are religious or just doing it for legal purposes is ludicrious.

"What kind of "baggage" other people carry around with them including what they think about marriage and commitment sometimes limit the choices and lives of other people they come into contact with."

If we keep going the way we are, the pool of people who have not been permantly tainted by a negative marriage experience (own or parents') will be so small, that lasting marriage will be a legend of the past

Hear Hear, Tx Mom--that's a great answer!

My thoughts are that if you don't believe in marriage, then don't do it, PERIOD. If you are like me (and Tx Mom) and see our spouse as someone we always want in our lives, then yeah, I think marriage is a good thing!

Sure, there are days when he's a total butthead but we COMMUNICATE, and work it out...Marriage is work, make no mistake about it, but anything worthwhile is, and I for one, love the stability that it offers, and I love having that person there for me. Plus, that "little piece of paper" may not mean much to some but it means COMMITMENT to me and it sure makes it a lot harder to walk out of a relationship than when it's not there. That piece of paper indicates a type of contract between two people, to always love and honor and respect the other and if that's a dying breed, yeah, I think that's a sad thing...

However, we're not going to change the minds of the ones who believe marriage is a worthless institution, just like they won't change our minds that marriage is a good thing, so there ya have it! ;)

Amen!

Praying that God blesses your commitment to your fiance and to Him.

Adam and Eve weren't real people, the story is bronze-age mythology. And it doesn't mention anything about them being married, or about their "marriage" falling apart. Recognizing where the Bible really came from doen't negate its value, but please understand, it's not a history textbook.

I kept waiting for the punch line. Oh well.

Why is it that the religious right always tosses the "God intended us to marry" crap in the mix? Marriage isn't God-created... Adam and Eve were together but nothing was ever mentioned about marriage. Too often our society raises young women to get caught up in the picking-out-a-china-pattern-and-a-dress-to-die-for ceremony that's ridiculously over the top without a thought to the long-term commitment and road of hurdles all married couples must go through. Divorce is so prevalent in this country because its too EASY, and often the preferable option over putting in a lot of work and effort to force something to work.

The religious right also encourages witch hunts for those who stray from their marriage (what's wrong with an open marriage, anyway, if its consensual between the two who are IN the marriage?), and yet want to deny same-sex couples the same option. It's just another way to put ourselves into pigeon holes - choose the path you want, don't worry about what society says is how its supposed to be, and make your own way. Love and dedication to someone can't be forged with a piece of paper - it requires the fortitude and maturity to understand what's important, and the willingness to work through the tough times together.

Stop pulling the religious crap in judging others - just because it works for you, doesn't mean we're all bound for hell if we don't feel the same.

Relentless wrote, "Stop pulling the religious crap in judging others - just because it works for you, doesn't mean we're all bound for hell if we don't feel the same." I don't think ANYONE on here who's mentioned your so-called "religious crap" (boy, are YOU rude and insulting!) has said that anyone who DOESN'T believe it is going to hell! They were merely expressing their opinions - something which ALL OF US are still allowed to do here in this country!.....People like you are part of what's wrong with this country. You spend your time spewing liberal "values" and railing against more conservative people because they are not "forward thinking" and are "close-minded" and what not, but what you - and people like you - end up doing is becoming exactly what you whine about in the first place! You're so hep on having yourself heard and cramming your own liberal rantings down everyone else's throats, that you, yourself, become close-minded and intolerant of those who don't think and feel as you do. It's called "reverse discrimination"..............

So... you're basically saying we should bring back handfasting, the legal binding "marriage" between two people for "a year and a day", invented for the purposes of allowing legitimate children between people when the local priest was off on his rounds between villages?

Not a bad thought...

Two things- first, how many of these women have "let themselves go" physically (and before you get your undies in a bunch shame on the men for the same thing). Blame society if you want, but having a good physique and being healthy is a must for physical satisfaction. I'm not saying both people have to be athletes, but looking like cabbage patch kids isn't a turn on for either party. Second, we've all heard that the largest sex-organ in the body is the brain. Having a spouse who sits in front of the TV all day or talks about nothing but what's happening in the National Enquirer kills a marriage faster than anything. Spend time outside the house with each other. Go have fun together. GET A BABYSITTER! Marriage is really, really easy, folks. Just don't let things get out of hand in the first place.

BTW- married fourteen years and wouldn't trade it for anything- but also don't take a single day for granted, and never will.

I totally agree, especially on the MSNBC statement. The liberal what about me world deteriorates everything including marriage. the same thinking has also deteriorated our economy. No honor or commitment to anything is a weakness, it's not an option.

I agree, just because someone has a platform she should not let her misery spill out on everyone else. Her bitterness dos not qualify her to judge other people's life decisions. The institution of marriage may have both religous and legal components but the real question is commitment, or love if you prefer. My wife and I have been married for almost 37 years and together for a couple of years before that. We were committed to each other before we were married and would be just as committed without the legal documents.

attitudes like yours are part of the problem. quit being part of the problem

So what you're saying then, is that you needn't make a public profession of fidelity to someone that can allow others to hold you to accountability so that if it "doesn't work" you have an easy exit. No "contract" means no dissolution of commitment. It means you "changed" and the relationship doesn't "fit" any more. Do I have that about right? Grow up and be responsible for your actions and make commitments. Moreso, keep the commitments you make.

Marriage needs to be entered without the option of divorce on the table. Save for the obvious reasons of infidelity on behalf of the partner or danger from abuse, there is no reason for it. No one gives a rats hindquarters if you're bored, or "fallen out of love" (that's my favorite cop out to hear, because it's the lamest). I remember getting married 27 years ago (and we're still together), and my father telling me: "Son, you're making a decision for the rest of your life. You're either going to be happy the rest of your life, or miserable for the rest of your life, but it's the rest of your life." Well, if it is, then you might as well roll up your sleeves and get to it. It isn't always fairy tale life. There are trials and troubles that will ruin you if you let them. Sometimes it isn't about your comfort, but your commitment to be there for the other person.

Marriage is, in a way, a death sentence. You die to yourself and live for the other person. Sometimes it can become a drudge, other times it is the best thing you can experience. But you don't get any of it without a commitment.

So, you don't have to be married to share your life with someone in a committed relationship. If you are going to share your life with someone and be committed, a lil' ol' piece of paper shouldn't hold ya back, sweetie! Of course, when you are done being COMMITTED to that person, and are ready to move on, it IS easier if you don't have to go through all the hassle of telling the world that you are no longer COMMITTED to the other person. Then you can just move on and be COMMITTED to the next person, and the next, and the next, and so on.

Look at the word, people. COMMITMENT. Setting aside all others. Taking time to nourish, grow, and make stronger.

I have two friends that are both Multi-Divorcees and niether one of the knuckleheads picked the right woman either time. I objected to all four weddings and was told that I was goofy. One guy married his first wife because she was his high school flame. She had no life outside of him, and that caught up with them. The second marriage formed because the two were working on a project together. The project ended, so did the marriage.

Know the person you are marrying. Know their family. Fall in love with all (or most) of them. Make sure they all trust you, and love you. The religious right will tell you that living together is a sin and sex before marriage is verbotten, but knowing a persons habits and seeing their bad side BEFORE jumping headlong into marriage is a MUST.

I don't need a piece of paper telling me that I have commited to my husband either but I did have the strength, conviction, and love for him to stand up in front of God and all our family and friends and pledge my love to him. I think the real reason that people are against marriage and believe that it is archaic is because they are afraid to commit because if they do and something better comes along they just can't up and leave as easily. Marriage takes work and if you, like the author, are afraid of the work and "don't have the time to work on one more thing" then don't get married, keep living your life of sin.

Our society has become one of "ME". What's in it for me? What do I get ? What about what I want? Sometimes in a marriage you have to think about what the other person wants and people don't want to worry about that.