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I've been in an "email friendship" with a man for almost 3 months.
We met via a Social/Business Networking site online. We chat almost every night and we know that the stuff we have shared almost always crosses into romantic dialogue and we both have admitted that it is now more than just friendship. But, nothing sexual has been discussed...yet.
We live a good distance away from each other (an hour's flight away) and have never met & don't really plan to... so we feel that we are on safe ground. We are both married with children (he, for 14 years & me, for 9 years).
Are we cheating on our spouses? "Help!"
#1 - Mon Jun 29, 2009 9:48 PM EDTYeah, emotionally cheating. Do you talk with your husband every night like you talk with this guy. Does your husband know that you talk with this guy. If your answer is no then you have a huge problem and should STOP right now. I have been married for 5 years and have two kids. I know it is not easy sometimes, but this is how it starts. My husband was talking with an ex on FB and I had to confront him regarding it. When he includes me about people from his past and shows me their families, no problem. Soon as he didn't with one ex, we had a problem. remember that your family comes first.
Grace, I have to chat on this one simply because I have experienced it from the other side. My wife used to do business with a banker for her company. It started out as just a business relationship, but started to turn emotional. He started with silly posts and e-mails that I considered dumb and non-threatening. As time went on it started to develop into a serious problem. He started to send romantic e-mails asking her opinion using his wife as an example. Pretty soon the opinions were directed straight at her. In the end my wife had a year long emotional affair with this person. She lived with me, but flirted, talked, and desired more from this person. They never met in person, but I still consider this cheating. Cheating is not just physical. It is emotional as well. The fact that you do not see a problem with this type of communication concerns me. I guarantee he has not told his wife about you, so what are you hoping for? This will progress into something physical if you continue. Just remember ladies out there, it is easy to be someone else on-line. People can make comments, flirt, or side with you just to get a certain response, but their motives are not good. If he is cheating with you on-line he will cheat on you later in the relationship. For all you know he has many different relationships going on at the same time. I could go on and on, but the bottom line is this. If you are dealing with someone for motives other than just working or socializing you are CHEATING!!!!!! Just put yourselves in the other person's place and ask yourself,"would I be upset if this was being done to me"?
I believe that anything that is kept from your spouse is wrong, and can only lead to harm the one you love and can be the beggining of something more than just what you are doing now. I never thought I would ask anyone for there number then it happens then I never thought I would actually call then I did then I never thought I would meet them anywhere just for a coffee and then it's another meeting and another then they occupy your thought and mind and steal your heart and before you know it you kiss then meet again to confirm the sexual urges you've built then you've crossed the line that you cant take back? When the newness and passion are gone you are back to the same stage you where in with your true loved one and wished you had spent that energy on making your relationship stronger and more unconditional. It hurts your spouse or loved one and ruins families and it brings shame to your charactor? The grass is never greener on the other side long enough to be glad it's yours it will turn as yellow as yours and then it's too late, if your lucky your loved one may forgive you but the worst part is that they will never forget and this will stay with you forever!
I hope this helps at least one person to avoid the pain that I have been through!
Thank you K, P & J for your thoughtful comments. And thank you for not judging me.
Only god will judge you but I would not be doing my job as a christian if I didnt share with you that what has happened is wrong and that only god can redeem you of your sin. No one is perfect, but you can be perfect in gods eyes if you ask him to forgive you and ask him to be your example for how to live your life! Read the bible it's truelly a life map try the NIV version its simple english version. Very helpful I will keep you in my prayers! God bless
U r heading in that direction - this is how it begins - it will end once u hook-up because of the distance. Do u know what he looks like? This is a very high risk for your marriage...
#2 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 7:35 AM EDTI'm not sure that we will ever meet...that's what's so "amazing" about our chats...we haven't dwelt on the obvious...you know... about when, where and how we will meet, since it's not that important to us. Yes, I know what he looks like as his business website is a public one and shows his photo...he is genuine, since he wouldn't put his business reputation at risk if he wasn't. And no, he is not a Brad Pitt lookalike, so "good" looks are not the attraction for me.
Agree, it is somewhat risky for my marriage.
Thank you for your concern...I do appreciate it.
My husband plays on a game site often. He was chatting with people on there...no problem on my side there. But one night I was using his phone to go online for something and found he created a second email account I didn't know about and one of his "friends" had sent pics of herself and one of them was a shot of her chest. Ummmm no.
I would have been fine with chatting while playing, but the line was totally crossed by sneaking a secondary email account and those pictures. He swears up and down he never asked for those pics, but I don't know if I buy it.
The secondary email account has been shut down and now I have to wonder and worry while trying to move past it all.
#3 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:20 AM EDTJust so you know you're not alone, my husband has done something similar. He used to see videos on YouTube and then email the individuals asking for more revealing (i.e., pornographic) videos or pictures and they'd send stuff back. It really hurt me b/c he was asking other people for things I'd offered to do/give to him myself. The reason I was able to get over it is because it was not an emotional thing. He never talked with the individuals it was just a means to get free porn. He did end up apologizing and never did it again but I understand your concern.
alright so im bored at work reading this so i decided to ask a question. i had a girlfriend for about a year and this started getting rough with her family and work so she asked if we could go on a break i said sure no problem without knowing that her ex happened to be coming in that weekend i didnt say anything when one of my friends told me just shrugged it off as a coincidence...then that next monday were talking and she tells me they hung out while he was back i ask if anything happened and she said they made out...but in her mind it wasnt cheating because we were on a "break" and not really together i need some input on this ever since it happened i cant get over why she would think thats ok...
#4 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 4:53 PM EDTShe knew he was coming to town, wanted to hook up with him, and by being on a "break" justified it in her mind. She'd cheat on you in a SECOND. Run. Far & fast. Away. From. Her.
She must have watched Friends. What a lame excuse!!!
haha yeah kinda hard to get away when you work for her father so she knows where you are 8 hours a day 5 days a week but is ok come september ill be in basic and not have to see her again...and she actually got angry at me for bein mad about it.
The getting mad is a sure sign of a cheater. If she can't see how that would hurt you, that's a problem. Because if she was truly innocent and hurt you by accident, she would be more concerned about accidentally hurting you than protesting her innocence. At best, she's screwed up and doesn't know what she wants (is she still carrying a torch for this ex? seems like it) and you should leave her so she can figure that out and not hurt you in the process. At worst, she's an incredibly selfish, manipulative person who does not care about you and never will.
I have been in a relationship for over 2 years. I found out last fall that he was seeing other women - all the while telling me he loved me and wants to marry me. He doesn't believe it was cheating; however, he dated more than a few women for more than a few months. I don't understand that logic. He still keeps in touch via phone, texting and emailing with some of them. He doesn't think this is cheating. He receives half naked pictures as well as sext messages and still doesn't think this is cheating because it was "love". What do you guys think?
#5 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:03 PM EDTI say run, run fast and run far. If he still thinks that he needs those other women then he reallt isn't that into you. He is one of those men that need more attention and can not be satisified with one. There are plenty of men out there and one that will treat you right, YOU deserve it.
He's CHEATING! No if ands or buts about it. Like darkcrystal said, run fast and run far. You deserve better.
Run while you can. I have been married for 12 years and while we were dating I found letters from another girl he told me it was nothing and I took him back...after 12 years I come and find out that he has other kids from different girls and that he has cheated on me throughout our marriage. RUN....IT IS NEVER GOOD
Everyone here seems to be stuck on "technicalities." The basic problem I see with this issue is that VERY often one person in it wants the relationship to be exclusive and the other doesn't. I guess I'm an anomaly. If I want to be in a committed relationship, I am. If I don't want to be, I stay single. Of course, being that honest carries with it the chance that the object of your desire might have the opposite desire than you do. Newsflash: Don't waste your time with someone who wants a different kind of relationship than you do. It's not brain surgery, and you can tell pretty quickly what each of you wants. Stop overthinking it and get on with it already.
#6 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:04 PM EDTI think a lot of it stems with an over all moral decline in our society. People don't respect the boundaries of marriage or "exclusive" relationships. Neither men nor women think anything is wrong with pursuing someone they have a physical attraction to - whether either are married or not...this is very sad...
#7 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:08 PM EDTEverybody here knows what's wrong and what isn't. If it feels risky, it's not a good idea. If you can't tell your significant other about your secrets, it's a bad idea. Also, stop using alcohol as an excuse for your mistakes. The simple solution to that is to not drink. Intoxicating yourself and blaming the intoxication for your mistakes is one of the stupidest concepts I've ever heard of. If there's a risk of doing something stupid when you drink, DON'T DRINK!
If I ever found out that my fiancee made out with someone else and blamed her actions on alcohol, she'd be gone in a second. People need to act like adults and take responsibility for their actions. If you're one of those who is being untrthful to your spouse, you clearly have a problem with your relationship. Talk to your spouse about it instead of going behind their backs and flirting or doing worse with others. You're supposed to cherish your lover, not try to see how much you can get away with when they're not looking.
If you're in a relationship with someone who is messing around with you, get out. If they don't have enough decency to show you the respect you deserve as their spouse, there is no reason for you to stick around. They'll continue to abuse your weakness and exploit you for their own happiness and greed.
It's not brain surgery, people. Act like frickin' adults who own some responsibility in your lives.
#8 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:16 PM EDTI text with an ex-lover - my hubby knows I am friends with him, but doesn't know about the lover part.
the text messages are flirty, fun and flattering. He still hints at some of the things we used to do - and hints that someday we could do things again. The whole thing turns me on. I have not cheated on my husband.....
#9 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:17 PM EDTYeah, keep telling yourself that. Cheating isn't only physical, you're emotionally cheating on your husband. How about you tell your husband what you just admitted on here? I bet that wouldn't go over very well.
You won't say a thing to him, though, because you know what you're doing is wrong. Coward.
I feel like I am in the same boat... My husband knows that I chat & text with my ex but when he came to town last month I met with him but went out of my way to lie to my husband about where I was on two different days. Since we've started communicating again my relationship with my husband has actually improved! I still feel guilty though.....
I agree with The Ma-791571. I've been on the other end of a texting relationship and it's not fun to be lied to in that regard. It IS emotional cheating! If you really care about your husband you need to stop texting your ex-lover or end the marriage. That's not fair to your husband.
I always wonder in all of these situations, How would I feel if my husband were doing the same thing that I was? Would I consider that cheating? Would I be upset? If the answer is yes then don't do it!
The part that kills me is that my husband has done this and it nearly killed our marriage but I still got sucked into it!
Classic situation of "would you do it if your husband/boyfriend was right there and new every single detail?" If the answer is no, you're cheating. If the answer is yes, you're either not cheating or your relationship is over.
Honey I am in your exact same position and understand how you're feeling. I've been happier since texting my ex love. I honestly was thinking of leaving my hubby to be with this other man but I love him too much.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 years. We've had our problems but now have a great relationship but there is one issue I can't completely get over. A couple years ago he became pretty good friends with a gal he worked with. They pretty much worked side by side and at first I didn't mind but then I found out they had been texting and talking on the phone when I wasn't around. I told him I didn't approve of it because I didn't know her. I asked him if I could meet her and get to know her and then I probably woulnd't mind but that was a no go. He did not want that happening at all. So I was suspecious of their relationship. I let it go for a while but it seemed to hurt our relationship because it bothered me so much. My boyfriend worked nights at the time and was late coming home one morning. I tried calling him several times and even tried him at work. When I couldn't get ahold of him I got worried and suspecious. I decided I was going to go a look for him. Well I happened to stumble across them on gravel road and thought I saw them kissing. I was pretty mad so my boyfriend told his "friend" that she better leave. He denied that he kissed her and said that she tried to but he pushed her away. I told him it was either her or me and I wasn't waiting long for an answer. He did talk to her a couple more short phone calls and a couple more texts but they haven't talked in almost 2 1/2 years. I think I'm over it but then it still bothers me on certain days. I don't know if I can marry him and let this issue go... I need opinions on whether anyone has been in this type of situation and ever worked through it...
#10 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:21 PM EDTI'm a 54 yr old woman who has been pursued by a 38 yr old man. I'm married he isn't. My husband has taken me for granted for years and the temptation is there because my husband thinks all woman over 45 are not attractive to other men. I've shared kisses and hugs good bye with this other man but nothing more and I don't feel it's cheating. We are friends and we talk and really share things together. Sometimes you just need that. I've been faithful for over 35 years and I don't feel bad about this because my husband is totally aware of the fact that he treats me wrong, his whole family has been telling him for years.
#11 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:23 PM EDTI can't believe I'm saying this, but go ahead and have the affair! Just divorce your husband first; at the age of 54, you've still got many good years ahead of you; do you really want to spend them with someone who doesn't cherish the ground you walk on? Every woman deserves a devoted husband.
In my last year of colege, I hooked up with a girl from the old neighborhood. I was really head over heals in love with this girl as all my friends made fun of me. She left home without telling me. I really did not get over her. 24 years later, She recently found me on facebook. We talked about life for the past 24 years and I told her that I was devistated when she left and that I still loved her even after all these years. I was happy for her to see that she had a husband and three great children. I told her about my wife and her children and that I did not have any of my own. We started talking about relationships and how hard it is to connect with our mates sometimes. We shared some ideas of things to try. In the middle of this, my wife jumped in and said that I was cheating. I never have once even thought of cheating on my wife. most of what I talked about was things that I have read in womens magazines and a few things that my wife and I do together but never about hooking up for sex. She lives 1200 miles away and we are 24 years different people and both married with families. Anyway, I have been in the dog house for several months now. Going to counseling and no more facebook etc. What the heck?
#12 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:32 PM EDTbut the point is that you said you still loved her.
Your wife has the right to be angry. just keep reminding her that she's the only one for you now.
Your wife over reacted, but good for you for being willing to make sacrifices and go to counseling to console her and maintain your marriage.
I had an ex boyfriend who always got upset when I hung around other guys. The guys were people we mutually knew and they would always tease me like tickling me and stuff like that. They also used to slap my butt, but stopped when he and I got together. Was any of that cheating? He always got upset over it and I respect his opinions. I never felt uncomfortable with the teasing and such but he always felt that one day I'd cross the line. We've broken up now, but it's something that's been bugging me and I'm not sure how to approach it.
#13 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:40 PM EDTI cheated on my ex husband with my new boyfriend (hense the divorce) and we've been together for almost a year happier than we've ever been. Both our ex's couldnt care less about either of us and we ended up divorcing them both! His marriage was for 26 years and mine for a year. We couldnt be happier. I think cheating is neccessary sometimes when you arent getting treated well at home. We both felt used in our relationships. He and I both give and take equally.
#14 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:43 PM EDTHow is cheating necessary!?! You totally screwed your ex husband behind his back..
What I don't understand is... If people are unhappy with their current relationships.. and find interest in someone else instead.. WHY don't they break off their current relationships before starting something with the new person?
i agree with sseleman cheating is never right, there is no exuse, we're not cavemen are we?
if youre in a relationship its called sommitment, look it up in the dictionary!
besides if you cheated on yer husband with this new man, why are you so sure this new man isnt gonna cheat on you!?
I agree with sseleman. The only reason anyone would cheat is because they don't know what they want and don't deserve either relationship, or because they are too cowardly to end their current relationship for their new one.
I agree with both sseleman and beanybaby! I was just recently cheated on by my husband and he tried to use the same excuse. There is no excuse for cheating! if you are unhappy with your marriage then you need to get out of it BEFORE you start anything with someone else. I have no respect for anyone that cheats on a spouse.
I think the answer is that they're cowards. They don't want to lose their current relationship until they have another one to slide into. People like this don't have integrity nor honor. They're selfish and only care about themselves. If you're in a bad relationship, the honorable thing to do is to end it. Not cheat, lie, etc.--you just lose your self-respect and dignity by acting that way. Absent extreme circumstances like physical abuse where you're literally scared for you life if you leave, there really is no justification for your behavior. You do what's easiest for you at the expense of your partner. You do the dishonorable thing, but they have to heal the damage of your dishonor (learn to trust someone else again, learn to trust themselves again, fear of intimacy/loving another). You give them all those wounds when you do such things.
*commitment
i was used like that i was with a girl for almost 2 years. In that time i introduced her to friends of mine at home and afar at the end what happened was i found out from her best friend who was like a sister to me that she had used me in the end and got with one of my friends and that they had been engaged for 5 weeks. Of course she is happy and has no regrets and doesnt feel bad for have using me like she did. Ever since im scared to love another scared to share myself with them even a kiss on the cheek is frightening. I dont want to be hurt like that ever again. Alot of time and over 3 counselors later and I have still not recovered and we werent even married but had talked of such things.
While I was going through a divorce, my former secretary (who was also married) and I began exchanging text messages nearly every day and sometimes several times a day. Some of the messages were short but sweet, such as "I love you", "I miss you" and "I wish I could make you feel better". Her husband saw these messages and accused her of stepping out. We really are just friends. Now he doesn't want her to go on a vacation with me. Is he overreacting or are the two of us "crossing the line"? By the way, I'm divorced now but she's still married.
#15 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 6:08 PM EDT"I wish I could make you feel better" is a sentiment from one friend to another - but "I love you" is certainly a message that would make a spouse suspicious. As to the vacation - you're kidding, right? It's not overreacting to object to your wife going on vacation with some guy that sends her 'short but sweet' messages like, "I love you".
I may have grey areas in my relationship...but even I know that you're crossing the line.
My husband has been speaking to his ex-girlfriend on the phone and reminiscing of the "Good Old days." He had not planned on telling me but I found out because I saw numbers from her state on our cell phone account. When I asked him about it he said it was co-workers and named 2 of them. I told him there were 3 and he finally told me the truth. The reason they were in contact, according to my husband, was because she is in an abusive relationship and she told him the last good memory was with him. I told him if he had been truthful then I would have not minded him helping her but I don't see how reminiscing of the good old days is helpful? They split because she cheated on him. I feel betrayed and am considering divorce. How do I trust again?
#16 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 6:12 PM EDTIn circumstances like these it is never easy, but you have to ask yourself what is more important, your many years of happy marriage or thiis one isolated incident (if it is only one time). But you also have to take into consideration the fact that he lied to you. If he have done it once the chances are likely he will do it again. Ask your self this question, Is your marriage iworth t, at the end of the day when all is said and done do you love him enough to move past this crisis?
Almost 10 years ago, 5 years before I met my husband [Sam], I had a very brief, but intense, relationship with a wonderful guy [Rob]. We felt an instant connection on many levels - but a week after our first date, Rob was suddenly transferred across country. Two weeks later, he was gone. We decided that in spite of what we felt for each other, it was too soon to have developed "real" emotions, and decided not to try to have a long-distance relationship.
We've kept in contact through the years - not frequently, and nothing sexy - but we share the high and low points of our lives. New jobs and career changes; when he found someone, and so did I, we were happy for each other; and I was the one he called when his girlfriend broke his heart.
I have been married for 3 years now, and Rob recently moved back into town.
He's been to my house for dinner several times, and met my husband [my Sam has known about my 'friend' Rob for years], and everything is pretty much okay, but there are two problems:
(1) I have always referred to Rob as "my friend" - Sam is unaware of our past relationship, and would be really upset that I didn't tell him. I think he would be even more upset if I told him now - so my past relationship with Rob has to remain a secret.
(2) This one is even harder - Sam and I love each other, and we both made a lot of compromises to be together. I haven't really missed my "old life" too much, but seeing Rob again has reminded me of what I gave up when I got married. When he is around, I feel young and vibrant again - when I'm with my husband, I feel like a suburban housewife.
Rob and I have talked about how we both consider the possibility of being "friends with benefits" COMPLETELY off limits - we respect each other - and Sam - too much to do that. But I find myself a little bit too eager to see Rob, I'm a little too happy when I get an email or voice mail from him, and I look for opportunities to arrange events that he can attend [Sam and I have been having a lot more dinner parties and barbecues lately].
So am I cheating or not? Rob and I are not doing anything but enjoying each other's platonic company, and we're not hiding anything [current] from Sam --- so why do I feel so guilty?
#17 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 6:38 PM EDTYou feel guilty because you're emotionally cheating on him. You're really in a very grey area and if you didn't feel guilty it'd be much harder to say you're cheating since you're not hiding anything from your husband currently. Your guilt speaks volumes. Listen to it so things don't progress with Rob.
How would you feel if the role was reversed? That is the most important question a person can ask themselves when in a situation they are not sure about. Marriage is honesty, loyalty, trust, etc. How can a marriage survive without those things? That is what I ask myself everyday. How do I get through day by day knowing that I can't trust him and that he is not loyal or honest with me? Marriage is the 1st and foremost priority for ME. It wasn't for him because he let his emotions take over. If I did that I would not be married!
The same thing is happening to me. I just try to be "zen" about it, and hope that everything happens for a reason. I think if you continue to see Rob only when your husband's around, you'll be OK.
I started chatting with a girl in the UK after my ex-wife started treating me like I was no longer a person....She was telling me what I should and should not do. What I should wear....etc.etc.etc.... then she started listening to me like she would a client...you know hearing but not actually listening to what I said. I just needed someone to talk to who would listen to me and give me input. She saw me talking to my friend one night and threatened divorce if I did it again but even after I stopped talking to my friend and explained the situation to her she didn't treat me any different. So eventually I started talking to my friend again. Was this cheating even though my friend was 4000 miles away and there was never any hope of us actually meeting face to face ?
#18 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 6:40 PM EDTYour marriage won't survive unless you learn to stick up for yourself and your wife learns to mellow out. Get counseling quick.
My boyfriend of two and a half years is a huge flirt. I've caught him sending messages to women that he works with. I confronted him about it and he said it was innocent and he did it for "JOB SECURITY"I never really believed it and I dont know if this relationship is worth staying in bein I dont trust him.
#19 - Tue Jun 30, 2009 6:42 PM EDTUnless he's a working gigolo, it's not likely that his job description includes "sexual banter." Dump him.
I have cheated cheated, not a close call, a full on cheating, and it was definetly intentional. my boyfriend and i were on and off for a long time, but i always know that he truly loved his ex girlfriend, the one right before me. However, he was my first love, so i tried my hardest to get him to love me back, but he always held so much of himself back from me, and frankly was a horrible boyfriend. At the same time i had met this other guy and we talked on and off. I knew it was wrong but he made me feel so needed and appreciated, like he cared about me, unlike my boyfriend. I thought i was too in love with my bf to end it, and the pain would be too much, so i stupidly started hanging out with the guy i had been talking to and since i never told him i had a bf we started kissing, but we never went past that. This guy was AMAZING and perfect for me, but since i had given so much up to be with my bf and been through so much with him, it seemed impossible to leave him to be with this new guy even though he made me so much happier. Well the new guy i started seeing in prvate found out about my bf, and well thats the last ive talked to him, which i do deserve dont get me wrong. After this i left my bf and met a totally new guy. But I wish i had never lost that one guy that i was so close with but how can you learn without mistakes, right? So now i know to never cheat again, if a relationship is not enough, and you feel the need to spend time with another person or something and have unfufilled needs, then you need to get out of it as soon as possible.
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We chat almost every night online We know that the stuff we have shared almost always crosses into romantic dialogue.But we have never met.