Are moms held to an unfair standard when it comes to child custody?

I too have given up my custodial rights. It was a hard decision, but it was the correct decision. After my divorce I went through a hard time financially and emotionally. I felt it was better for my son to be with his father. My motherly instincts were not there. I believe just because we are women does not mean we will be good moms. My only regret is that my sons father doesn't let him call me or visit me.

MndyA...I understand your heartbreak...been there done that and still feel it after more than ten years later. One thing AI tried to do is make little routines and customs that were only "Mom& kid" things. Like a special story that comes form a long book, to be continued each time they visit. Or a silly song we'd sing while making popcorn for a movie. We had a bag full of movie suggestions that a "winner" would be pulled from. Things that are fun and ONLY at Mom's can make it better and more memorable for nth mom and children. Hang in there...but never forget who gave those children life, no one can take YOUR place EVER!

My exhusband and I had a mutual divorce, and were in mutual agreement on who should have residental custody of our 4 children. With this being said I have still lived with the harsh judgement of others around me that find out my children don't live with me. The most frequent comment is "how could you leave your children?" I didn't leave my children, we did what we thought was best for them. I still see them on the weekends and all summer. It has gotten even worse now that my new husband and I just had a baby. Nevermind the fact the my children ADORE their baby sister and harbor no ill feelings towards me because she lives with me and they don't. Again, another situation in which outsiders know nothing about the insides of a personal family decision and are quick to pass judgement instead of thinking, "Hey what a great mom or great dad for doing what was best for their children instead of being selfish."

I was four when my parents got divorced, and my dad was awarded custody. I haven't seen my mom since, and I am now 24 years old. She sent random letters and presents for the first couple years and then stopped *supposedly* because my dad was making it difficult to contact us.

tbcbaby, please don't give up. Fight to see your son. I wish my birth mother had, and I only have contempt for her now. I would never accept her back into my life, because of the pain she caused by not being there. Her absence has created negative and long-lasting effects on my entire well-being.

I too gave up my custodial rights to my children, in 2000 I moved from Mi to MN- I brought my girls with me -then 7 and 9-I was financially strapped with no family support -their father had the house and a huge network of family and friends for support-so after 4 months or so I made the hardest decision of my life- I took the girls back to MI to live with their father. 9 Years later I still agonize over my decision and am racked with guilt. But when I look at my girls I see what wonderful young women they have become and I am still their mother and they know I love them more than anything in this world. I still feel like I have to explain when people find out my girls live with their father- yet if it was the other way around - fathers are never subject to the raised eyebrows or questions. It is nice to read the article and posts and know I am not alone.

I am right there with you. I have four, and now my two older ones live with their father full time. He is just so much more able financially to support them in what they like to do. I am just like you, I miss them terribly. I know, however, that they are better off there with him for the majority of the time.

Keep your chin up! We are all in this together!

We were separated for 3 years before either of us could afford to file for divorce, and then it only happened because I filed a restraining order against him. He borrowed the money from his family to file so that he could appear to be getting the jump on me. During the first hearing, my ex got temporary custody of all 3 because I was in school for another half-semester. After that, my daughter came back to live with me but the boys stayed with him because he made it easier for them -- his 2 basic rules for them were, "Don't get caught and don't tell your mom." I didn't fight it because I didn't want openly hostile children living with me. My ex continually bashed me and my boyfriend (now husband) to the boys, and I took the high road and didn't bash him back, so our relationship was strained. Finally, when they were old enough to have some of their questions brutally answered, I showed them pictures of my bruises and the copy of a police report. It started changing things for us! I'm still not super-tight with my older son (22), because he is very like his father personality-wise, but I'm on great terms with my daughter(24) and younger son (19). The older boy is coming around more as he gets older, but I kick myself every day for not removing them from him entirely. My ex has another child by another woman, and she does not let him have ANYTHING to do with that daughter! Lesson learned too late. I'm not bashing NCM's for their decisions, because everyone has their own basis for it, but you always wonder later, "What if...?"

I myself have been the non-custodial parent of two wonderful children for 9 1/2 years and they were long and tough. Mostly criticized by family who just didn't understand that a divorced mom with no job, no home, no money and no help may have it hard to support herself and two children. For them to believe it was anything other than a sole decision on my part after three custody hearings in my favor, I had to dig deep and think of them first. Some of the things I faced! We all have overcome it and my children and I are so close now, I think despite that it was the hardest decision I had to make, it was the best one I made, we are the best of friends! All situations are different and Moms should get the same respect as non-custodial Dads.

I try never to judge anyone whose shoes I have not been in. Each situation has a different set of circumstances. There are many double standards & most of them are unfair. I wish peace to all women who have made the decision to relinquish child custody.

I believe the men always gave up the kids because then they had no responsibilities except financial, and I feel that is selfish and I believe the same about women. Its just selfish and easier. Having 2 children and 4 grandchildren has taught me that at times we must sacrifice our own dreams. It sounds to me like no one wants to sacrifice anything anymore, we think we should have it all. Sometimes you have to be happy with what you have rather than focusing on what you want. Going after what you want is good as long as no one gets hurt in the process. People need to think about that before they get pregnant. God gave women the ability and responsibility of having children, don't you think if he wanted men to be the primary caregiver he would have given them the ability to give birth. I'm not saying that men can't be good caregivers, I know alot who are but I know more who just exsist with their children. Most of the time women say its cause the men can take care of them financially. More times than not it doesn't produce a well adjusted child, your kidding yourself if you think it does. Maybe you should ask yourself who your trying to convience.

It depends on the father, or the situation. It usually depends on who has the money, In osseo wisconsin for example if you pay Judge John Damon he will give you other people's children and he will make up circumstances of law that don't exist. He will also take payments so if you have the money and want your neighbors child just get to know him and show him so good cash. Other places in Wisconsin are similiar too, if you have money, you have the rights to any children, regardless if they are yours or not, or you are an abusive father. So the constitution lies, you do not have a right to have your children without government intervention, you have a right to your children if you have large sums of money to buy the law.

I have my three kids, I know I am so blessed in that way -- if I did not have a great education I really do not know if I could have kept them! And even with my education it is NOT easy -- their dad really could give them more financially but they do not want to live with him so of course I want them. In this case I'm the better emotional parent. But when they want him - they go.

I know several women who permanently or temporarily gave up custody. Not only was it the right thing to do at the time for the kids -- but why the hell shouldn't they let the husband have custody if it is appropriate?

OMG men walk away every single day and no one thinks twice. Are you kidding me?!

Where is the idea of judge not lest you be judged and the concept of soft eyes and compassion. None of us know the burdens of another and therefore cannot judge their choices. Abuse is one thing. Neglect is one thing. Those cannot be excused. Custody is a daily matter and resolution of it -- non-damaging as much as possible -- if perfectly OK.

Why shouldn't men step up in some families?

"Let" the husband have custody ? Excuse me but mothers dont "let" fathers have custody. That is decided by a court which in fact is very biased towards women.

See ? this is what I dont like about this society and its search for justice and equality. It is not really equality . It is to give women all they want but nothing for men.

The state of West Virginia's law states that once a child reaches the age of 14, the child is old enough to decide which parent they want to live with. That is what happened to me. My 14 year old daughter decided to live with her father bc he is less strict on her and she thought "it would be more fun." I chose to let her go instead of dragging her through the courts and damaging our relationship even more. Her father can be a good dad when he chooses to be. Unfortunately, he is more concerned with himself most of the time and chooses a lifestyle that I disagree with and allowing her to do things that he never would have when we were together. Ultimately, I have become a mother that feels I have made a deal with the devil and I wonder everyday what the outcome will be.

Praying patiently for my daughter.

Most definitely, moms are unfairly judged! They're seen as unloving and uncaring when they choose to give up sole custody of their children. There's a stigma attached and in general they might as well be wearing "Bad Mom!" in scarlet letters!

I know this from personal experience and I still deal with guilt even though it's been over 15 years since my decision and ultimately my two children (a son, now 25, and a daughter, now 20) only lived with their father for 4 years before coming to live with me permanently. It's still hard for me to discuss, I still feel like I failed my children, and I know that I am being judged once again! The judging stems from my son's mother-in-law though she knows absolutely nothing about what truly happened between my children's birth father (my first husband) and me. I am blessed in that my children and I have a wonderful, close relationship and they know that I made the decision I did because I thought it would be best for them.

Outsiders need to realize that we moms make many sacrifices for our children and the decision to "leave" our children behind in a divorce is not something that comes lightly. It was only after much thought and an honest look at myself and what I could provide after my first husband and I divorced in January 1992 that I chose to ask for joint custody and allow my children to live with their father. It was NOT an easy to decision and the tears still come even now when I think about it. My son was 5 yrs old at the time and my daughter was 1. Their father lived in a rent free house provided by the state (he worked as a prison guard), they children's friends were there as was their babysitter since I was a working mom at the time. I, on the otherhand, was making barely enough to get by on my own. I had to get an apartment with a roommate since I couldn't even afford a 1 bedroom apartment on what I made! Yes, I could've taken my kids and moved to my mom's or get custody then have my kids live there while I continued to live elsewhere but I made the decision that I thought was best for my children at the time not what was best for me. That's what others need to see when they look at this situation from the outside ~ we moms are simply doing what moms have always done and that is to look out for our children!

"Let" the husband have custody ? Excuse me but mothers dont "let" fathers have custody. That is decided by a court which in fact is very biased towards women." - Guillermo-475083

This is so not true. I am a non-custodial mom. My ex and I did not go through court, we used a mediator and decided between ourselves that he would keep the children. He also kept the house and the better car which I gave up without a fight for the benefit of my boys. I think this situation is good, my boys are well taken care of, they got to stay in the house they were familiar with, their rooms, their school, their friends...I believe this was much less traumatic for them then selling the house and having to deal with moving, new friends, new school, as well as a divorce. I love my boys to no end and because they don't live with me doesn't change that fact for even a second.

One person's comment was no one can take your place, they are right, if you don't leave no one can

This was my situation too, but 26 years ago when it was taboo with a capital "T". Reflecting back, I was probably suffering from serious postpartum depression (less commonly known or understood back then and, of course, never discussed) having had 4 kids in 8 years while in my 20s. The "ME" factor didn't play a role in our decision. We realized that staying unhappily together was of no benefit to our kids. I was lucky enough to have a nurturing, caring husband who frankly was a much better parent than I was in my unstable emotional state of being. I didn't want to uproot the kids just to avoid the wrath of society, so I moved out and made it a point to see them weekly AND pay child support until they were all 18 years of age or older. My own family practically disowned me, but our family support system stayed intact despite the unusual circumstances. Thankfully, the kids have all turned out to be well-adjusted, good people with families of their own and they will never know how hard a decision it was to leave them behind in the first place.

In a perfect fantasy land where everyone has enough to eat and everyone has health care, and no one ever ever has to worry about money, then perhaps the argument of "any mother who gives her child up for economic reasons is selfish." But that's not reality.

In a fantasy world, a child can survive on love alone.

In the REAL world, to survive a child needs love, AND food, shelter, medical care and clothing. These four things require money.

Also keep in mind, depending on how old the child is, you cannot simply determine custody in the courtroom alone. Often an older child will have a preference who he or she lives with. Even if the mother wanted to retain custody of her son or daughter, if that child wanted to stay with dad, it would be cruel and NOT in the best interest of the child for her to take the child anyway.

I know a few mothers who have made this painful decision, but in the end, it IS best for their children

Mothers, Fathers, Grandparents, Aunties and Uncles...it is no one's right to judge anyone else for the hard decisions in life they have to bare. We need to be supporting those who are making the tough decisions for their children and not themselves. Support systems go a long way rather than someone sitting back and pointing the finger. Everyone's situation is unique including different circumstances. Its easy to judge when you have never been in the hot seat yourself sitting down having to make a decision like this. Some tend to forget its not about the mom or dad. Its what is best for the wee ones!

I recently went through a divorce, and have 3 small children. I was a stay at home Mom for 10 years. My decision to end the marriage has left me with tremendous guilt. My ex got the house, cars and most everything else. My kids battle me everytime I pick them up. I am filing for bankruptcy, and am struggling just to buy food for myself. We have joint custody right now, but I have gone back and forth in my mind that I have to give my kids up. I never imagined that my life would turn out this way. My husband's family think that I am horrible for not having my kids more. No one knows what I have gone through, and a lot of people look down on me. I was pleased to see this issue brought to the surface.

Excellent point, Accipiter!! Spot on!

@tbcbaby: i am going through the exact same thing that you are, except i did not give up my custodial rgihts.... my son's father wont even let me see him, and will barely let me talk to him... it hurts my heart every day... i cry alot, have many sleepless nights, and its gotten to a point of where i wish i would not have let my son live with him. financially it was the right thing to do, because my son is well provided for, since i cant do alot at the moment, but not to see my baby every day and hold him and hug him hurts deeply. the mothers out there that are relinquishing custody rights for the benifit of the child are doing a wonderful thing... fathers that do it too for that same reason are wonderful fathers... both sides get a bad rap, its not just one sided... there are great mothers and fathers out there that love their babies very much, and when things like this recession come about, and one parent isnt doing so well, and the other is, no matter what anyone says, it is the right thing to do. i see all these comments about parents making a bunch of excuses about why they are doing what they are doing, but what those people fail to understand is the fact that the recession is costing lots of people to lose housing, jobs, transportation, and many other things. things that are needed to take care of a baby.... if you dont have those things, and the other parent does, it is kind of hard to do. be glad that some parents would rather do this than do what alot of younger parents are doing.... just deserting their children god knows where. we love our babies enough to do the right thing for them to make sure they are well provided for. so to all the people out there that think we mothers are doing this for ourselves, think again. until you are in our shoes and have had to deal with what we have, keep your mouths shut and your opinions to yourself.

This topic hits a chord very deep in me...Don't ever feel guilty as I do when one of my kids acts in a way that is no way near how they were taught by me. They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree but that is a bunch of bull. I have one child who is like an alien, being so mean and disrespectful to everyone and especially family. Thank God the others are superb human beings and are excellent. You may have missed a lot, but it may have been only heartache that you missed. Thank God you have better days ahead and I wish you the best in seeing how God can change a person to be better all around.

So let me get this straight, it is your daughters and your ex-husband who are all to blame, and poor little you has done nothing to deserve it.

No relationship takes place in a vacuum and until you come to grips with that fact........

I don't know you sound like an immature child to me

Respect is earned not given, try earning it

Don't listen to others, listen to your heart and you will not go wrong. Guilt only clouds the good times you will have when your son visits. Keep it open and honest with your children. Let them know you miss them and let them talk openly to you about their feelings, even if they need to be prompted from time to time. I often used letters, seems kids can write a lot easier since they don't have us looking in their eyes and no one interrupts or cries, ya know? I know from the old "hindsight is 20/20" that we NEED to talk about stuff with kids all of the time or we ALL suffer. It is pure pain to find out years later that your child needed something or was in pain and did not tell you. Now is the time to know these things. Good luck.

I am often scrutenized by my family and my ex husband's family that I don't "fight" for my child more. Even though it wasn't what I originally wanted, it has worked out to be ok. I agree with what you said, that this will ultimately make my relationship with my daughter stronger in the long run, and she will learn to respect me more for the sacrifices I have made for her.

What sacrifices have you made? As a child of a mother who left her, I think all of you are just plain selfish. I had a hard time after my divorce too, but I did not leave my daughter, because I NEVER want her to feel the way I did growing up. You know the old saying "A face only a mother could love?" Well, by leaving your children, you make them believe they are not even someone a mother could love. So as for your sacrifice in walking away? You took the easy road. It was my father who made the sacrifice.

I think the issue here is selfishness and an inability here to realise that there are consequences to every decision you make in life.

I am the daughter of a mother who not only left my sister and I at ages 8 and 11 with our Dad but also left her sons at ages 3 & 5 with her 1st husband. I've watched over the generations now as all of my siblings have coped. The results aren't pretty, two of the four of us have divorced and also walked out on their children.

In parenting, you teach by example. What kind of example does it set when you walk out on your children? I can tell you firsthand, it isn't a good one.

Thank you for your post. I gave up custody of my first daughter at age 2...I was young and no family support. Her Dad had strong family support and lived with his parents. He went on to marry and has been married 17 yrs. My other daughter was 2 when he and I divorced but we did 50/50 joint custody for 4 yrs. He then remarried and moved out of state. I

t was gut wrenching both times but, I knew mentally and financially I could not be the best parent for them. I looked at my life being stuck with a unstable alcholic Mom and hated and still do for not letting me live with my Dad. I guess we learn from our parents or maybe try to be different then them.

My older one I did see regularly growing up and was very involved in her life and is now 22 and married. My younger one started having issues around 7th grade so her Dad cut off all contact with her and I. Things got worse and so they sent her to see me for 2 weeks a then upon flying her home he announced that she was moving back with me. It was hard on her and hard on me..we were like strangers. He ended up moving back here but left her with me. Now we are almost 3 yrs later and she is back with him AGAIN. He said he thought she was doing poorly from not being with me but, realized being with me he felt was doing her more damage then good.

I was raised with no discipline, structure, or family values. Both of the Dad's were. I appreciate your honesty and all I can do is pray that they won't pass on what they learned from me. I guess I like to think they know how much I love them and wanted the best for them.

My only visible regret I see in them is the way they loath their step-mom's. The Dad's went on to have a child with their current wives and I think that put a strain not being raised with the same parents under one roof. The younger one has had her step-mom for 11 yrs now. So, their Dad's went on to have long term marriages while I continued in failed relationships and marriages. I just wanted stability for them and a better life then I had. I guess time will prove if it was a bad decision.

What if the tables are turned and the mother is forced out? My three children for the last couple years have been living with their father who does not allow reasonable visitation I strugle to pay child support to him while he brings in four times my income and my kids are being raised to think I left them. I did not. I left their dad and they were kept from me when I made the decission to leave. I had no family no friends was in a new town he moved me to and had no where to go. I've been the bad guy and my children have been abused neglected and alienated from me. And I'm sick of it!! Talk about ridicule from others I've heard it all! I love my children more than anything in the world and I will get them back!!! Never take for granted what you have. Or your ablility to do and accomplish things you never thought you could.

lily you may want to think about relinquishing the past -- avoid bitterness b/c it clouds your future and i know it is not easy

my dad -- in my case dad in my secretary's case it was the mother -- first abused then abandoned us 6 kids and never looked back -- he went on to have 2 more and abused them too -- when he left, he left us 6 kids to an abusive mother then an abusive mother and stepfather and a 7th kid and NO money, I mean not enough money for food or clothes and worrying daily about losing the house (the man never paid child support for his 6 kids -- both my parents were very abusive alcoholics)

it wasn't about me -- their problems and actions were theirs and had nothing to do with my value -- it took me a long long long time to internalize that truth and i do not speak to either of my parents -- i am actually closer to my ex husband's mom than my own! and i'm so blessed to have 6 wonderful siblings that mean everything to me. and i have my 3 kids and God. i have it all.

did my parents' actions and my dad's total abandonment harm me and my siblings? of course. at some point everyone has to look at their baggage and deal with it and everyone has issues and burdens.

But custody is not necessarily synonomous with abandonment or abuse or neglect.

To lily and other understandably harboring the feelings of the hurt and abandoned child that was -- that child is in the past, you are an adult now -- i say this with respect and love -- get over it -- do the work you have to do to fully (or close to fully) heal -- you must, in order to find safety, balance, love, freedom and joy on this earth in thls live -- what we do not resolve in this life we carry into the next believe it

peace

remember something -- everyone -- everyone on earth -- does exactly what they want to do. i stay with my kids because i want to and am blessed to be able to. that just happens to be what i want -- that is what makes ME feel good and feel happy and useful

others want different.

we are ALL selfish.

Well at least someone was smart enough to call it like it truely is.

Start paying your support and you will not be called names. I am sure the lady on the show is paying support. If she is not paying or very little then her Ex could be earning a whole lot more.

My boyfriend & his ex have 50/50 custody, but she usually has the kid 20-25% of the time. (She hasn't had him on a holiday for 4 years!) She pays ZERO support and doesn't pay for anything more than she has to. (During the school year she drops him off at his dads in his pj's where he has to get his own breakfast & make lunch. She waits until late in the evening to pick him up so she doesn't have to provide dinner.) HE pays for all school supplies & every activity. She purposely takes off on her weekends and either calls him to say she doesn't want the kid ruining her fun or doesn't call or come around at all! If a man behaved this way people would call him names! Why not call the woman names?!

Yes, women have to pay support. I did for 15 yrs..then helped her with tuition thru college.

So it is a nonsubject as far as I am concerned.

Maybe the judicial system is different in Canada than the States, I don't really know, am no expert by any means, but in my situation, I don't have physical custody of my two boys but I DO PAY support monthly to my ex.

My boys actually lived with me for the first couple years of our separation while we were getting our divorce. My oldest was and still is very attached to me, my youngest to his father. At one point, after over a year of him begging to live with his dad, I finally let my youngest go to him once his dad was set up in his own place, good job, etc. A few months later, I found out my oldest son was being bullied at school, was scared to come home to an empty house for an hour until I got home from work, plus a variety of other factors. In the time I had the boys, my ex paid me support. At this point, my youngest boy was thriving living at dad's, better school system, more family support, etc. So I made the hardest decision of my life and asked if my oldest could move there too. Both boys are now thriving there. In fact, they are making the honor roll and have lots of friends.

I pay support monthly, am never late with it, even took a second job to ensure I had the money for them. Yet I am continually vilified by strangers and family alike. I even have a sister and a brother who haven't spoken to me in over 2 years since I let the boys move in with their dad. I was asked point blank how could I give my kids away. I wasn't giving them away to strangers for god's sake, I let them go live with their dad. And this from a brother-in-law who just a year earlier wasthisclose to sending his daughter to foster care!

You want to talk about double standards!! Anyway, back to my point. Here in Canada, when the custody arrangement is decided upon, the support payments are also outlined as well. What you pay is based on your yearly earnings, how many kids you have, etc. I'm sure there are some women just like there are some men, who refuse to pay support.

I guess I'm very lucky. I have a great relationship with my boys as well as their dad. I see them every other weekend during the school year, we alternate holidays each year, this summer my oldest came to live with me the entire summer (they are 13 and 15), plus both my ex and I are engaged to other people who love our kids as much as we do, so they have 4 parents who love and take care of them.

I don't judge men who don't have custody of their kids, why should I be judged so harshly then? Because people are sometimes very ignorant and can't or won't take the time to understand the reasons behind the situation. I do find that once I explain my situation with people, their attitudes do change. They understand I did what I had to for my boys to thrive and feel loved. Just because my boys don't live with me on a daily basis does not mean I love them any less. In fact, we make more of our limited time together and have more fun than I know we would if they lived with me full time.

And think of if this way folks, now dad has the pleasant task of raising teenagers, teaching them to drive (and wreck) cars, etc. lol I'm just kidding of course. I would take my boys back to live with me in a heartbeat, but I'm not about to disrupt all the good progress they have made living with dad. As I said before, the school system is better where he is, he has more family support helping him with the boys, etc. I am not a bad mother now, but I would be if I took them away from all of that.

I COMPLETELY agree. Women should not be treated any different than men in this situation. My sons mother left him and was required to pay ONLY $52 per month in child support. Then, when she didn't pay, they didn't do anything about it. If the roles were reversed, the father would be a "dead beat dad" and there would be arrest warrants out for him for non support. Why should women be treated any different?

It has been almost 7 years since my son moved in with his father. My son's father and I never married. I was 19 and he was 20. I quit school and worked and raised my child while his father continued his education. We had our disagreements. When he was 2 we had a custody adjudication and under Florida law, we had Shared Parental Responsibility, 50/50 with me being the Residential Parent. His father saw him every other weekend and two nights a week, and paid me child support.

When my son was 9, I lost my job, my car and apartment. I asked his father if he could stay with him until I got back on my feet. It was hard and a blow to my pride, but it was the best thing I ever did. Financially, his father had more to offer, and his father also had the support of his family and wife. I did not have a support system, I lived over 750 miles away from my family; his father was my support system. Between ourselves, we made the decision that he would stay with his father, in the more stable environment, and I would have generous and flexible visitation and pay support.

I always thought that the best thing for my son, was to be with me. Though I struggled financially, even with child support, I believed that living with me was the only way. A child should not have to worry about having power when they come home. We left home at 6:30 every morning and did not make it back until after 7:00 every night when he was with me. His father having the support system available to him, was able to keep my son from having to spend so much time in before and after school care. My son, who is ADHD, also began to improve in school.

It was not that I did not love him, or did not want to take care of him. Had circumstances been different, and we lived in my home state, and I had my family here to support me, he could still be living with me. Knowing what I know now, though, even if I could have kept him, I would want him to be with his father right now. I have seen my son and his father develop a stronger relationship, and his dad has been showing him, by example, how to live with ADD and not let it hold him down.

I did not benefit socially, educationally or financially when my son moved in with his father. His moving was not about me. The person who did benefit, was my son. If anyone chooses to judge me, let them. I know I did what was right for my son, and all those who judge, have never walked in my shoes. He does not feel like I abandoned him, and as long as he knows that, nothing else matters.

You indicate 50/50 custody but dad had every second weekened and 2 nights a week. That is not 50-50. Can you explain further.

Mike, that is a close to 50/50 as you can get! Two nights a weeks + every other weekend works out to 182 days. She'd have 183 days.

(weekends are generally Friday, Saturday, & Sunday)

It disturbs me that you gave custody to your exhusband because he made 6 figures and that would be best for your kids.  What a materialistic attitude.  Kids don't need all the things that a 6 figure income can provide.  They need their Mom.

Your Mom struggled to support you and your brother.  What a selfless gift she gave to you.

Pambow....

Have you ever had to support someone? Have you ever had to try to explain to your child why we are lighting candles, because Mom did not have the money to pay the power bill? It is so easy to judge someone when you have not walked in their shoes. If Deborah chose for her childen to not have to watch her struggle to support them, why does that make her bad? Deborah did what she thought was best for her kids. She did not "leave" them with their Dad. What you and many others fail to realize, is that just because a child does not live in the home with their parent, if does not mean that the parent is not in their lives. You can be an active part of their life, and not be in the home. Quality not quantity. Deborah gave a selfless gift to her children and they know it.

BooHoo please i raised 2 children on my own at 23 I had more than one job, my ex dissapeared out of state so that he did not have to pay childsupport, even though he was fighting for custody, i was definately not perfect and made mistakes, but both my kids turned out fantastic and respect me, We moved to Europe where they learned other cultures and also went to school there. They are both adults now and live a generous and fine life, my daughter speaks with her father once in awhile I never prevented that, he has never had a job after we divorced, he lived off of his second wife, he had 4 more children who all turned out with problems, we did not have much but the kids and i where happy.

Sad indeed. I can't even find the words. What happened to "in sickness and in health"?

here here!!! My story is exactly the same.... but it is such a differrent backlash for women!

Fair enough, how much child support do you pay.

And if you don't make the payments are you a dead beat Mom, do you have arrests warrants out for you.

Yes there are unfair judgments and double standards here, and I agree that you seem to make an effort to be part of their lives but don't cry foul when both genders have to deal with different but equally detrimental double standards

I have a friend that was forced to leave her kids, because of an abusive husband, he would never hurt his girls just the beautiful women that they came from. She was thrown out with nothing and she isn't allowed to see her girls. After a year of no contact with her girls, they finally got a chance to call her, but all the talking they do now it very secretive. I know that people see her as leaving them, I lived with her for awhile after this happened, to hear her cry for her kids would make me cry as well. I have 3 kids of my own, I love them with all my heart, soul, and mind. I couldn't imagine what it is like to not be able to see them

You say he abuses your children now, but you left because he beat you.

How can you leave your children in a situation you found intolerable to stay in.

How could you leave your kids in harms way.

I am sorry you don't make any sense to me, and it is hard for me to be sympathetic to what you are saying.

You make sense to me. You saw that you couldn't take care of your kids but remained part of their lives.

I think you are one of the few that has responded non-selfishly (i.e. my career, Dad had more money, etc.) but said I need help for the sake of my kids and they will stay with their Dad for the sake of the kids.

You got it kids first, all these peole that make excuses, rationalize and pretend they did it for their kids could learn from you!!

Dear Ann,

I decided that I would not fight for custody to protect my children from a lengthy and disgusting battle. Now I am the "doesn't matter mommy" to everyone. I am, as you are, treated like I must have been unfit to raise them. I did not have a job, a place to stay, or any way of fighting as I could not get an attorney through Legal Aid. Legal Aid my butt! They do not help anyone. Their constant reason is that they do not have the man power to help at this time. They even advised that I hire a private attorney!

I am so very sorry that you are experiencing these HORRIBLE and very hurtful things coming from the mouths of your children. All I can say is this, some day they will come around to the fact that you ARE their Mommy and that you did and DO love them very much. My exhusband told my children that the reason I left is because I didn't want to be their mommy anymore! Through YEARS of trying my children FINALLY know the truth. My exhusband and his girlfriend were defuzed and I am proud to say, that we all have a working relationship now because I just wouldn't fight them anymore. I showed my children the court papers and everything else. So, needless to say, they now know the entire truth.

Chin up hun! Some day yours will know the truth as well. Just DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Keep trying! Keep PRAYING!

In God's Hands Now,

Ms. JLynne

thank you for yourencouragement and the fact that someone else has BEEN THERE, HAD THAT ,im sorry to say to you though ,that they DO know the truth ,every ugly bit of it,,YET STILL CHOOSE TO LOVE THE ONES WHO HURT THEM AND HATE THE ONE WHO LOVES AND LOVED THEM,, but because my ways of parenting was , still is ,to be decent people ,,they are so far gone in thier thinking and instilled with hate, anger and out for themselves, take, take, take,, IM AFRAID THAT IT IS A DONE DEAL, all have banded together,,all but 2 of 4 girls have lived in my home when they reached out , doing alll i could till the money ran out,, then they did, or to have them totally disrespect me every way , and call me names and tear up my home , i RENTED, up to the point it was too much and they were asked to please TRY TO be decent, and when that was not thier choice they left ,it is solely the aftermath of the way they were raised by the very people who badmouthed me as a mom,,, when they were little they were good kids,, now they are mean ,ugly and spiteful adults,,, it breaks my heart ,, but i do pray ,and i know i did my best and hope that someday they will forgive me for however they choose to blame me , & STILL DO ,for the choices that THEY MAKE as adults, that they know are wrong,,, THEY cant keep blaming OL MOM ,WHO THEY KICKED TO THE CURB ,, FOREVER,we all leave this place one day and my judge and jury will hopefully forgive me as i have HAD TO DO,, or live a miserable life and be sad ,,knowing i did what i thought was best, but after im gone they will probably still blame me anyway,, what can you do? forgive yourself,if they wont,, thanks for YOUR SUPPORT,, it was a kind thing to do,

I wonder how it would have been had you only seen your mother during the summer?

my heart goes out to you. I turned to alcohol in despair, and now I have to fight that addiction every day. I have found some new avenues, like Facebook, to add to communication possibilities, but it hurts, every single day. The pain of the divorce has gone away, but not what it has done to the children.

You are so right! In a better world, both parents would put the children first, and do whatever it takes to keep them out of the middle, and with the least amount of their involvment whatsoever. Honestly, I don't care anything about my ex--I don't wish anything bad for him, I just don't want to be involved at all. He still puts the kids in the middle, and I still get blamed for it. I can take all the stuff that comes at me from people who judge me, except rom my children. I had to give this over to God completely, or I would have ended my life probably a long time ago. But I knew I could never do that to my children.

I have long felt that the reason the kids take it out on me is that they know I'm 100% safe, in that I could never stop loving them, no matter what they do. I'm the only person in the world that they know is 100%, not their spouses, and certainly not their father. And God is truly the only, only one that knows the truth, and what it has done to all of us.

Deep, deep down, I feel the kids know the truth, as they are all now in their 30's, but their father still has a strange control over them. Again, I have to rely on God, only He can be trusted completely.

Too bad God couldn't give you the strength or means to care for your children..

That was a pretty unhelpful comment.

Sorry it happened to you, is sad that some bad people are not known for their true nature. Personally, I have come to accept that every society has a double standard when it comes to men and women. My prayers are with you, may you finally get full justice.

The absolute worst part of all those years of not having my children live with me was the constant explaining when someone new found out. Usually I kept i tquiet since it was no one's business anyway. . Unless i ended up in tears, no nocould understand WHY. Unless it was another mom who made the same decision. Unfortunately, my ex turned out to be a very poor excuse for a father. Otherwise, maybe I wouldn't have so many regrets.

I just wanted to say that yes people judge unfairly...i had to let my youngest live with her dad when we divorced only because I had two children from a previous marriage and when we had our little baby girl , the man who had been so sweet to my two children that had no father, suddenly didn't want to have anything to do with them. He was terrific to me and to OUR daughter. I ended up having to choose between my little girl and my two children that didn't have anyone but me. I knew he would be the greatest dad ever...and he was...he is amazing. I paid child support. Had terrible people judge me...people haven't really talked about the children being judged tho..when they have to explain why they don't live with their Mom. It's hard all around. Society just feels that the kids just go with the mom..He had amazing strength and although I only saw her on breaks WE raised an amazing child that is very very much like her Momma. She sees that now. She is close to her brother and sister too. I am not saying it was easy. I had terrible guilt and I missed her so very very much. But now she is getting her doctorate in pharmacology and living on a stipend from the university. She is on her own and is a beautiful person inside and out. Have faith. Ignore stupid people. Hang with supportive intelligent people and love them every chance you get. ( When I lived in Washington state and she was in Texas I used to send her a $2 bill every week just to let her know I missed her and that was thinking of her.) There is always something you can do. We don't necessarily have the money resources our spouse do..and the state won't listen..it's very hard. I know. So glad it's over now. I feel very much for every Mom that has to do this...for better or worse. It's hurts to your core.

Thank you for this - I thought I was the only one. I'm a non-custodial parent and I did it because I wanted my child to have a stable life. I gave my ex everything - the house - cars - all belongings. I got NOTHING from my 7 year marriage except most of my clothes and one set of Target dishes. I thought by giving him everything it would be easier on our child - no moving around - no new schools - no new friends...etc. He made 80K + and I was unemployed at the time of our divorce. He was so nice during the divorce...that all changed after the divorce was final because he knew I never could afford to take him back to court. During our divorce hearing the judge told him that she couldn't live with herself if she let him take everything and gave me nothing. We agreed on $200 a month allimony for only 2 years. When my ex was supposed to give me the first allimony payment he threatened me and forced me to write him receipts for the next 2 years - I NEVER got a penny from him. The month after the "Fake Allimony" order expired...he took me to court for child support. I've never missed a payment and I pay for half of all my childs interests and activities. My child will be turning 18 in October and our relationship is AWESOME - I see my child 13 - 15 days a month and I talk to my child every day on the phone! My ex...turns out he isn't the best dad - so for that I've asked my child for forgiveness and she has. My child no longer wants to have a relationship with her father after she turns 18. He has been lying to her about our divorce and telling her that I left her...NO I left him - and my child knows the truth. For the last 2 years he has consistantly told her to move out of his house and that he can't stand her! Here is a good example of his parenting skills...when my child was 15 years old she told him that she had a "crush" on my neighbors son...My ex proceeded to call my child a "SLUT"! What kind of father calls his daughter a SLUT - for a crush???!!! He reminds her that he will never let her move in with me and if she leaves, he will call the police and have me arrested! But that is all going to change in 2 months - she is moving in with me and she never wants to see him again. His hatred towards me has never gone away - he is still hung up on our divorce over 12 years ago! If I was his current wife...I would really think about "Why" his is still hung up over me after 12 years! My child is an incredible person and student - she is on honor roll and everyone that meets her loves her! I just wish her father and step-mother saw her the same way.

I applaud you for your decision, you are an excellent mother because you thought about your child, you seem a mature individual who put her child first and not her vanity. Personally, I notice that many times child custody is about vanity (looking good in front of others), and getting back at an ex, and never about what is best for the child itself. Thank you for being a good mom to your son.

I have two kids with my husband. I agree with you 100% Joe1244822! My husband has two older children who are adults and he hasn't seen them in over 10 years because the mother left with them to Arkansas and never told him where they were. He paid child support but the courts always side with the Mother. He just got to see his son last year when he came up with his Senior class (I found him on myspace). His relationship with his daughter isn't a good one. She only calls when she needs money for college or a puppy. I could never give up my kids, I'm sorry. No matter how hard it is you can make it work. I understand you all have your reasons, financial but in the story it said one of the mother's left because she wanted an education. Get an education near home and stay with your kid! Also, I think it unacceptable when a mother feels she has to give her kids up but then gets remarried and has another? What was the point of giving up the first kids? You couldn't afford them and you go and have a new one? Did the story mention if these women paid child support? They would be all over the man for that! A child needs both parents but a child needs his mother's love and a mother needs to let her kids be with their Father and spend time with them whenever they want or the father wants. That's just my opinion. Let the bashing begin. This is all I have to say. Good day.

I have been divorced 2x and have 2 daughters from each marriage. We all live in the same town which is great. The first time I went through the divorce my attorney more or less said that if my ex wanted my daughter she would get her because of the way Family law favors the mother. I fought her and to this day have 50% custody. Same with my youngest although I never had to fight for it as I am a really good father. For all the angry men that say that the courts act unfairly...I say... YES they do. BUT...it is not without good reason. Men have traditionally been the ones to walk away from their kids. Women have traditionally stayed at home and spent more time with kids. Is it soon to be an outdated way of looking at it but after my attorney explained it to me it did little to not make me PO'd but I understood the precendence that men had set in the past and judges erorring on the side of what tradionally has been the more stable parent.

This is so true. My girls are leaving in 3 weeks mind you they are 4 and 11 months and their father is in the Army. I can not financially support myself and them. He is able to do so. I have heard it all from the world, I totally get what you are saying. What are we as Mother's supposed to do if we know we can not take care of our children they way we need to? I dont want my girls to suffer at all. Ive never been a day without them and the closer it gets to them having to leave the heavier the weight is on my heart.

oooooh men make "25 cents more than women " huh ?

Well you know what ?

Divorced women get the house , the kids, alimony , child support and with that, the ability to effectively make their ex's life miserable, so lets call it even OK ?

Guess you really screwed up, huh? lol

Yes, some divorced women may get that. But what about the women who never marry and never get a decent child support payment? It's not even. In some ways, not for women, mothers; in others, not for men, fathers.

I think that if the situation calls for the children to live with their fathers... Go for it! We have to think of the children. Children are the victims when it comes to divorce and/or custody battles. I know great fathers. I know great mothers. And I know ppl who fit the description for the opposite.

In my situation, giving up custody of my daughter was not even a remote possibility. However, I know others who's children may benefit from living with their father. It depends on the situation, the father, the mother, and the kiddos.

Give it up Guillermo. Your hatred of women is obvious to all.

Women do not always get the house, kids, alimony (rarely). If they get the kids, then child support must go along with that to be fair.

Certainly an ex-husband has an equal abiity to make his ex-wife's life miserable as the reverse. All rational people know that.

Let's not call it equal, OK? Earning 75% less than men is not now and never has been "OK."

Don't know where you get your info but you are so wrong. In my divorce he got both houses, 5+cars, and almost all of the furniture. I get a small monthly payment from his pension and my life back. Sounds like a fair trade.

you've got lucky, I am a hard working mom and got set up and kicked out of my home by my psycho ex with nothing and a restaining order filed against me for nothing, he dragged to court every other week to try to get all custody of my son from me, lied to the judge to the bone to try to prove that I am an unfitted mother while I am nothing like. and the judge in LA superior court allowed him to stay in the house while I am struggling to rebuild everything by myself. fair????? not always the case. I am a good person and a good mom and I've got screwed big time. but it's ok, I wont give up and I have faith and I will fight to the end for my and my baby's well being, bottom line is I am not going to allow my son to grow up without his mommy.....

When the kids turn 12, they have a right to decide, along with Dad and his attorney and the courts of where they want to be. Fathers are judged unfairly as for years my husband paid and paid and paid - just to be dragged back into court for more. He had no more to give. I guess she thought she could get some of my income. After years of her using the attorney general and using attorney's to which she lied to, it came crashing down. Dad is paying, Step Mom has insurance on them, they have provided them a wonderful home to live. Morals and lots and lots of love. The kids always wanted to be with us, but greed and jelousy was her driving force. The kids were just pawns in a game she was playing. Keep on keepin on because in the end, stability and a Daddy's strong heart will win - every time. She chose to give up all parental rights instead of paying child support so I adopted my kids. A court of law gave them the opportunity to choose me as their Mom. They are thriving wonderful young adults who are healthy and happy. And for those of you who think it may have been about money for Dad - try raising two teenagers.......Keep the faith