By JOHN LELAND Published: November 29, 2008 Even as they make up nearly 40 percent of family care providers now, men are less likely to ask for help to cope.

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My mother spared us the "car key conversation," a dreaded milestone of eldercare, by eagerly giving up driving in her early 70s after one accident related to arthritis and a winter of unrelenting snow.

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In my work with caregivers, I often hear the lament that no matter what they do or don't do for an elderly parent, they feel guilty. As one caregiver told me after the death of her mother, "My sister says we did enough and in reality we probably did.

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An increasing number of baby boomers find themselves sharing their homes with elderly parents, adult children or young grandchildren.

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At age 82, Margot Richard, whose health is declining and who has suffered a series of bone-breaking falls, now needs someone to look out for her. Instead, the elderly Adams County mother still spends her days looking after her autistic 40-year-old son, Paul.

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Some 20 million boomers are caring for their families while trying to provide care for aging parents. Few know what they are getting into, says Donna Schempp, program director of the Family Caregiver Alliance, a San Francisco advocacy group.

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To all the families who have put their parents and grandparents in such places, I pray that we might try to let go of our guilt. Perhaps some of us are simply warehousing our inconvenient ancestors, but I have not seen too much of that.

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