— If you’re planning an awesome vacation at the lake, you don’t want it to turn out like “Shark Night 3D,” which opens Sept. 2. Before you travel, ask yourself the following questions. The answers could mean the difference between a killer weekend and weekend with killers.
Do your friends have last names?
Don’t just assume the answer is “yes.” Ask that girl in the backseat to show you her driver’s license. If the field for “last name” is blank, then you could be in trouble.
The lead characters in “Shark Night” are college students named “Sarah Houski” and “Nick LaDouca,” but their friends are just “Beth” and “Gordon” and “Maliki.” One-namers are expendable, and traveling with expendables is like inviting Jaws to your pool party.
Note: If anyone in your group goes by a nickname — Scooter, Thrash, etc. — then he or she will die first. DO NOT bunk with this person.
Are you the only person in paradise?
If you arrive at a gorgeous island and realize there’s no one else around, then you should just go to Six Flags instead. Beautiful vistas are only deserted when they’re infested with monsters, patrolled by psychos, or lacking in restaurant options. You don’t need any of that.
The kids in “Shark Night” certainly can’t resist the idea of having a lakeside mansion all to themselves, but is it really worth the consequences?
Note: Crowds are not always safe. Spring break parties full of drunk, dancing coeds may be MORE dangerous than lonely island resorts. Just ask the gang from last year’s gore-fest “Piranha 3D.”
Is someone spouting science facts?
There’s a lot of talk in “Shark Night” about saltwater lakes and freshwater sharks and other biological marvels. These fun facts foreshadow the horrors to come.
Listen carefully to your friends. Is one of them obsessed with flesh-eating ants or a new species of deadly iguana that has learned to unlock doors? They could be telling you more than they think.
Are you planning to sleep around?
That’s a terrible idea. Study the “Shark Night” trailer: The characters who talk about sex in the first half are screaming with fear in the second. In the horror classic “Scream,” we learn that promiscuity is typically a gateway to death, and that’s still true. Do yourself a favor and don’t even kiss anyone on your vacation.
Note: If you insist on having a crush, try to propose marriage before the carnage begins. At least as far back as “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer,” fidelity has been a good shield against murder.
Are all of your friends ridiculously hot?
Could your pals be mistaken for Abercrombie models? When they take off their shirts, could you grate Parmesan on their abs? They may have won the genetic lottery, but they are now prime candidates for a vacation massacre. From “Shark Night” and “Piranha 3-D” to older flicks like “Dead Calm” and “Deep Blue Sea,” gorgeous people are lightning rods for terror on the water.
To protect yourself, consider getting a terrible haircut or knocking out a tooth. You just might become the charming dork who survives.