— In two weeks, the New York Yankees will host an exclusive cocktail party so they can finally introduce ... their new DH? A formerly pinstriped familiar face? The still-salvageable pieces of A.J. Burnett?
No, no and trick question. The team will reveal two official fragrances, cleverly called "New York Yankees" and "New York Yankees for Her" (although we’d hoped for Je’Ter or Marian-eau Rivera).
Their unexpected announcement made me think what the other 29 teams could introduce:
The Baltimore Orioles will release their own black and orange logo laxative because, after 14 straight sub .500 seasons and an average finish of 28 games back, following the team already makes you feel empty inside.
The Boston Red Sox will combine a chip of Green Monster paint, half-eaten chicken wings from John Lackey’s locker and the still-smoldering ashes of 2011 for their own signature scent. It will exist solely so they can complain about how overpriced the Yankees fragrance is.
It doesn’t matter what the Tampa Bay Rays offer. No one will notice until the last week of the season.
The Toronto Blue Jays will put their new retro logo on a line of Crock Pots because, like the Jays, that appliance is quietly efficient with consistent results (80-plus wins in nine of the last 12 seasons; uniformly cooked poultry parts) even when you forget about them.
The Chicago White Sox and DH/1B Adam Dunn will develop a line of day planners. The catch? There aren’t any pages. If you’d had a year like Dunn, who had a team record for strikeouts (177) and .159 average, you wouldn’t want to remember it either. Is there another catch? There was, until Dunn dropped it.
The Cleveland Indians will work with Garmin on a line of GPS devices since every year they insist (RECALCULATING) that they know (RECALCULATING) where they’re (RECALCULATING) going. We do too: home, immediately after Game No. 162.
With the arrival of Prince Fielder, the Detroit Tigers will release — wait, Miguel Cabrera is playing third base? Miguel Cabrera is at third base! Miguel Cabrera. At third base.
After swiping pitcher Jonathan Sanchez from San Francisco, the Kansas City Royals will produce a line of slings. You know, because now they have one good arm. (IT COULD STILL BE YOU, LUKE HOCHEVAR).
The Los Angeles Angels already have a new product. His name is Albert Pujols.
Hey, have you seen Moneyball? Because it’s available to rent on iTunes, buy on Amazon or watch On Demand. It’s also a book, which you can probably get for under ten bucks and please, please do it because the Oakland A’s really want to remind you of a time when they used to make the playoffs and no, it’s not fiction, they promise.
The Seattle Mariners will offer dial-up modems, since both the team and the technology have been largely irrelevant since 2001.
The Texas Rangers are releasing a limited edition set of holiday cards featuring their new $60 million Japanese right hander. That’s right. This is a chance to tell your Valentine “I love Yu.” (Feel free to repeatedly explain that as he/she starts packing up his/her belongings).
The Atlanta Braves will stitch the Red Cross logo on their uniforms because — just like the relief organization — the team knows they’ll eventually be dealing with a disaster, a collapse or an implosion.
The Miami Marlins could offer beer-battered unicorn meat and no one would notice because WHAT IS THAT IN CENTER FIELD? DON’T STARE DIRECTLY AT THE MOVING DOLPHIN PARTS BECAU — OH GOD, I FEEL IT READING MY MIND.
The New York Mets have designed a defective Lego set of the World Series trophy so — like the real Mets — every time you think you’re close to a championship, you’ll realize you’re a couple of pieces short.
The Philadelphia Phillies will get their own signature laugh track (or Lauph Track?) since they signed September saveblower Jon Papelbon to a four-year, $50 million deal and NO I'M NOT BITTER EXCEPT MAYBE JUST WITH MY ENTIRE BEING.
The Washington Nationals had a couple of ideas but Scott Boras hasn’t signed off on them yet.
As compensation for Theo Epstein, the Red Sox get any product the Chicago Cubs release, unless it’s more futility.
The Cincinnati Reds accidentally left their ideas in their Adam Dunn day planner.
The Houston Astros will release a line of sympathy cards. Who better to say “I’m sorry for your loss” than a team who had 106 of them?
The Milwaukee Brewers will sponsor Queen Elizabeth’s diamond Jubilee, just in case she has a spare Prince they could have.
The Pittsburgh Pirates offered Edwin Jackson $30 million. He said no. They hinted they’d like to have Roy Oswalt. He said uh-uh. That explains why they’d offer a black and yellow bedspread: they’re used to being turned down every day. (NO, YOUR JOKES ARE TERRIBLE).
The St. Louis Cardinals and 3M will sell cans of Bondo. If they can fix the holes Albert Pujols and Tony LaRussa left, they can fix anything.
The Arizona Diamondbacks just want you to forget about their purple and teal years.
The still-purple Colorado Rockies will have defective-by-design boomerangs because they get close but they can’t quiiiiite make a comeback and NO YOU SHUT UP.
Only approved bidders can make an offer on the Los Angeles Dodgers’ items.
The San Diego Padres will offer a line of salad forks because, just like the team, the tables would look weird without them but you’re not sure that they serve a purpose.
The San Francisco Giants will let you keep anything you find in Brian Wilson’s beard.
We just hope it’s not a bottle of "Yankees for Her."